Hello, it's hard to know where to begin, but here goes. My fiancee and I have lived together for about 2 years. Our sex life was excellent for about 1 year of that time. As we continue our life together, there has been a noticable drop in her sex drive. She hasn't initated sex in a long time, and shows little interest in it anymore. I always have to initiate it, and most of the time I get shot down. I have to be persistent and almost beg for it. She tells me that my timing is bad, but I have tried it at all different times of the day, morning/night. I have tried to explain to her over and over that having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved. She says she understands, but doesn't really take any action. We are currently having sex about once a week, and that is only if I am persistent about it. I would like to have it every day, but am more than willing to meet at the middle and do 2-3 times a week. She makes light of the fact that sex is how I connect with her, she thinks I'm just a horny typical guy, and this kind of thinking really frustrates me. I've been trying to get her to read the SSM book, but she will only read a few pages, then it collects dust for a few months. I'm so tired of resenting her, and not getting anything accomplished. I don't want to leave her because I love her, but I don't know if I can marry her and live like this the rest of my life. I feel like I'm in a prison.
Do NOT marry her if this continues. Period. I don't care how much you love her. It will only get worse, and if you have kids... you are REALLY stuck.
Everyone here will tell you the same thing.
If you have set a date, I would call it off and tell her that until the issue is resolved, no more dates will be set. Give her six months to make up her mind, and another year on top of that to prove to you that she actually means what she says, before you EVER walk down that aisle.
I know this sounds really harsh, but what she is doing to you is no less harsh.
I think you should order a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy and do the exercises, too.
My stomach just sank. I'm literally sick over this ordeal. I'll have to talk to her again, and let her know its more important than she realizes. Whenever I try to talk to her about sex, she says to stop making it such a big issue and maybe we can do it more. But, when I back off it's usually several weeks before she needs it, and that really puts a strain on me.
Maybe, instead of YOU talking to her - you should see a counselor together? I'm thinking it's too easy for her to push it off on you - you're too horny, too needy, too pushy, whatever. Maybe in front of a third party she'd have to deal a little more with why and how she's withholding from you?
Now - on the flip side - how's her health? Does she have any medical issues that would make her fatigued or just not that into it? Does she take any medications, have a history of depression or thyroid disease?
And how's the rest of your R? Does she have any reasons to be holding onto resentments towards you? Does she have any past sexual abuse issues?
I agree with the other posters, I wouldn't marry her until this is worked out; it's not likely to get better otherwise. And sex in a marriage should be joyful, not fraught with tension.
Ya I have to exhauste all options or I will second guess myself if I broke it off because of the sex issue. I will look into getting that book also. Thank you all for such support, its nice to get this out.
KML- I think her health is ok, although she is underweight (85 lbs, 5'2 inches tall) and tired a lot. She has had her thyroid checked when she was younger and it wasn't a problem. Only meds she takes is nuvaring birth control. And unfortunately she has had some sexual abuse in her past, which I'm seriously thinking is one underlining cause to our problems. We definetly have a long struggle ahead to resolve all this. The hardest part is trying to talk to her about it without pushing her away further, she doesnt take me very seriously, and if I make it a "big issue" it turns her off even more. I'm on chapter 8 of the SSM book, so I'm learing ways to discuss it with her without putting her on the defensive. Thanks a lot guys.
- When I talked about it she became passive aggressive (clamed up).
- I had to come up with all the attempted solutions. Her deal was 'To NOT make such a big deal over this!'. I guess to her it was not a big deal.
- Mine had abuse too. I don;t think it was sexual but abusive.
You have to make her view this as serious. I know that is easier said than done. For me, I felt guilt that I focused on this issue. The No. More Mr. Nice Guy book talks about this.
I sum up my stitch like this:
"It was too painful to stay emotionally engaged with her. Withdrawing was the only way to protect myself."
And This:
"I will not remain in a marriage/relationship where my partner is not interested in meeting my ENs!"
It took me 16 months to get there! After reading a lot of other forums (Mis-matched Libidos, this one), some people have been stuck for 10+ years in this living hell!
I have a good friend who is 65 and he married the same women twice! The intimacy was a constant battle with these two.
He finally is in the process of the divorce and has counseled me MANY times on this situation.
Thank you for sharing your story with me AdviceNeeded. I'm in a similar situation that you were once in. Goin on here has legitimized the feelings that I've been supressing.
