W came over to the house last night to pick up a few odds and ends. She moved out three weeks ago, and is still getting the last 1% of her stuff. (for the record: I'm fine with this ... it's not easy to split up your stuff after living together for a decade).
Anyways, W scurried around the house and got what she needed. AS she was getting ready to leave there was that awkward moment of "should-we-talk-or-should-I-just-go", and I asked her if she wanted to sit down and have something to eat. She reluctantly accepted.
W started off by saying that she *wants* to talk, but it's just so hard right now. She said that it's hard for her to put into words what she's feeling, and that I have to be patient with her.
This gave me the opening I had been waiting two weeks for. I asked her if she minded me jumping in with a few thoughts of my own. W looked relieved that I was going to talk for a bit, and nodded.
First, I told her that I was extremely angry right now - and that I had gone to the gym for almost three hours before she came over so I could make sure I was good and tired. I told her that I hope she *never* had to experience what she's put me through - it's been the worst hell a person could ever imagine. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I told W that I wasn't so much angry with her, as I was disappointed in her. A few weeks ago she got angry at me for asking about OG, and told me that by asking I was "pushing her towards him", and that I had to "trust her". I looked W right in the eye and told her that this was hogwash - that the only person who wasn't trusting right now was her. I told her that SHE needs to trust me with the truth about what's going on - especially when it's so bloody obvious what is happening.
At this point, W was looking at the floor and probably feeling rather sheepish for this chiding. I told her that she *should* feel ashamed about what she did, but that she should be even more ashamed that she lied to her friends, to her family, and to me about it - and that she continues to lie to this day. I told her that the lies are already starting to unravel, and that three of her friends have already confronted me about their suspicions that she's having an affair. These are people who have no knowledge of what's actually going on; they are just perceptive enough to read the situation accurately.
W started to get defensive at this point; she told me that the kiss wouldn't have happened if she wasn't already feeling lonely in the marriage. True, I replied - but the kiss was still an egregious violation of trust. Two wrongs don't make a right, and I told her that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, regardless of what "pushed" her towards them.
She's not the only one in this marriage who has had the opportunity to be with someone else. The difference is - I never acted on those impulses.
We also talked about friendship. I told her that the ball is in her court right now. She wanted separation and space, and she's got it. I told her that she feels uncomfortable around me not because of the awkwardness of separation, but because she knows that I know what's going on with OG. As long as the lies continue to be told, it will be impossible for her to let her guard down with me and be herself.
Now, the important part. I looked her in the eye and explained to her that I forgive her. I forgive the egregious violation of trust and the continued lying, and I even forgive her for initiating a separation without giving *us* the opportunity to work on the marriage. I told her that it's up to her now to find forgiveness for the wrongs that I committed over the years, and that we may find a new friendship in the spirit of that forgiveness.
Again - the ball is in her court. I told her that this separation was instigated by her, and that she needs to make the opening salvo towards friendship.
The conversation went on for a bit longer, and she finally told me that she needed to go home to feed the dog (this is true - our dogs demand their dinners on time). She got up and told me that she loved me, and gave me the first "real" hug we've had since we separated.
I walked her out to the car and apologized for "laying into her", even though she deserved it. I also told her to call me sometime - "don't be a stranger".
She even waved to me as she pulled away.
The funny thing is - I felt really good after our conversation. For once, I felt like I was in control of the conversation, and I think she may have actually listened to some of what I had to say.
I slept like a rock last night, and didn't dream at all.
-- Mike
Mike is Hurtin': Me: 32 W: 32 No kids M: 8 years, T: 10 years Bomb: ILYBINILWY: 9/11/07 Seperated: 10/13/07
W still states OM is just a friend, and the kiss on 06/2007 was a one-time thing.
WOW!!! Dude... that read right from my sitch in the early goings.
Don't be surprised if she avoids for a while. Not sure what all issues you guys have had, but that scenario did not work for me. She has always maintained that I didn't treat her like an equal.
Man.. it's scary how identical this is. I hope this works for you!!
Sounds great and just keep it up. My W has not moved out, but it is amazing how the logical or caring stuff doesn't work and they truly are in a different world where even a conversation such as yours is hard to take. My wife will not talk about anything that happened and I figure she is stewing on the pain and the quilt, the lies the broken trust and all that.
The affair does end, and the excitement around it.
Ironically we are together much thanks to our 2 dogs,
Sounds great and just keep it up. My W has not moved out, but it is amazing how the logical or caring stuff doesn't work and they truly are in a different world where even a conversation such as yours is hard to take. My wife will not talk about anything that happened and I figure she is stewing on the pain and the quilt, the lies the broken trust and all that.
Thanks for your kind words, Henrik.
Last night was the first time in our separation that she would acknowledge (with some affirmation) the idea that there was even an affair. There's still a tremendous amount of denial at work, but I see it as a small, positive inroad.
We'll see what happens from here. :-)
-- Mike
Mike is Hurtin': Me: 32 W: 32 No kids M: 8 years, T: 10 years Bomb: ILYBINILWY: 9/11/07 Seperated: 10/13/07
W still states OM is just a friend, and the kiss on 06/2007 was a one-time thing.
I guess many of these situations have similarities and common situations and feelings.
I think my W knew and knows how much she has betrayed me and also the marriage in general. She always maintained a very idealistic view and a romantic one and now she has done something that as you say she cannot take back, and the denial and the parallel universe or existance is quite remarkable.
I am doing very well for myself, and for the dogs, so hopefully that will radiate and trickle down to my W as well.
Seems like you hit an opportunity where she was willing to listen to you. That's great, usually these aliens avoid any type of talk that would make them uncomfortable. I am sure you gave her a lot to think about, also I agree, she might avoid you for a bit.
... I had my first DB phone coaching session on Tuesday morning. Won't go into a lot of the details for a few reasons, but I'm taking a "new" approach to things this weekend when I hopefully get some time with W.
I'm crossing my fingers so tightly, they're turning blue.
-- Mike
Mike is Hurtin': Me: 32 W: 32 No kids M: 8 years, T: 10 years Bomb: ILYBINILWY: 9/11/07 Seperated: 10/13/07
W still states OM is just a friend, and the kiss on 06/2007 was a one-time thing.
