Okay - Anyone Else Feel Crazy????

[oh_guy]

Okay... I wanted to start a new topic. Since I'm new here, I hope I'm not stepping on any toes, or seem like I want this to be all about me. So, in advance, I apologize if it's coming across like that.

As I mentioned before, I spoke to a coach on Oct. 31. We had trick or treating that night, so we had family over with kids. We all walked around the block... had a few adult cocktails to keep us warm, and did a lot of laughing and enjoyed the night.

After everyone left W got ready for bed. I sat down and started reading a mag.
She came out and started talking about family stuff. Thanksgiving at my dad's, a small bday thing this weekend and stuff. We go to bed and she snuggled with me.
Of course, it was all I could do to not take it to the next level. But she snuggled into my chest and just laid there for a few minutes. We said good night and then went to sleep.

The next day, she was busy at work. No emails. My coach said, stop the emails, stop talking about the marriage... just act like nothing is wrong. Do things I want to do...
But it was funny, I emailed her pics of the kids from the night before, and she didn't even respond. Her later response was, sometimes it's nice for me not to worry about answering.

I'm just so confused. Then last night at dinner, I just couldn't eat. Kids were out for a few minutes. W asked if I was talking to someone, as I had mentioned I wanted to for my own sake. I said yes. She asked if I had to pay for it. I just changed the subject, as my coach seemed as though I shouldn't let on that I'm taking this approach.

I went up to the school for a meeting she signed up for, but didn't feel like attending... she said she would go, but I thought it was a good way for me just to get out for a bit. Then a vendor from work was in town and I met him for a drink.

I got home at 9:30 and went down to the basement to watch tv. She was surprised at that. Another recc. from the Coach. I went up to bed and she was asleep.

But I'm just soooo confused. When do you draw the line? Do I show her some sort of contact? She initiated the kiss goodbye this morning. Just a peck. But I stopped the hello I'm home from work kiss. Does this become distancing yourself? I'm just confused and feel like I want answers, but I'm taking up too much of all of your time.

It feels so good though to have you all... I just can't say that enough.

If anyone knows what I'm feeling let me know. Since I found out about the OM... she said it's off. But they see each other at work. That makes me so nervous. She said it was just a one time thing, but thinks she has feelings for him, but it's done.

I wanted to also bring up possibly attending Retrouvaille - a spiritual marriage counseling session. But not sure when or if... I know it's only been a day... I'm just confused... and don't want to f anything up.

Thanks so much for your time... anyone willing to read ALL of this.... LOL!!

Peace.

[Ohio_Mark]

First off, you are doing a good job. What you are doing is demonstrating that you are an independent person. Doing your own thing is good.

Maybe next time, toss in a twist: Go do something but don't tell your wife what you are going to do (and don't volunteer what you did when you return). I'm not saying lie, but stop thinking as if you have to be accountable to her for everything you do. If she asks, by all means tell her the truth. But, just for kicks, say, "I'm going out tomorrow night." And leave it at that. As my DB coach says, create mystery about you. Make her wonder about you.

Regarding Retro weekend, not sure if you have seen her posts, but there is somebody who regularly posts here who attended Retro. She is a huge advocate, and she is willing to share her experience with anybody. She goes by the name Sara and is often found in the Playhouse or Sandbox threads. If you pop in there, and ask her to take a look at your thread, I'm sure she will.

The bottom line here is that you are making progress. Stay focused. You are doing well.

One more thing... you wrote:
If anyone knows what I'm feeling let me know.
Um... we all know what you are feeling. Most of us here live it every day.

[hopeforfuture]

Okay... I wanted to start a new topic. Since I'm new here, I hope I'm not stepping on any toes, or seem like I want this to be all about me. So, in advance, I apologize if it's coming across like that.

NO apologies necessary. We are all here getting loads of help and are very willing to provide guidance and advice.

I'm just so confused. Then last night at dinner, I just couldn't eat. Kids were out for a few minutes. W asked if I was talking to someone, as I had mentioned I wanted to for my own sake. I said yes. She asked if I had to pay for it. I just changed the subject, as my coach seemed as though I shouldn't let on that I'm taking this approach.

But I'm just soooo confused. When do you draw the line? Do I show her some sort of contact? She initiated the kiss goodbye this morning. Just a peck. But I stopped the hello I'm home from work kiss. Does this become distancing yourself? I'm just confused and feel like I want answers, but I'm taking up too much of all of your time.

If anyone knows what I'm feeling let me know. Since I found out about the OM... she said it's off. But they see each other at work. That makes me so nervous. She said it was just a one time thing, but thinks she has feelings for him, but it's done.

Unfortunately, we are all feeling the same confusing feelings. The more you read these threads, the more you'll realize just how similar most of these situations are.

It sounds like you are doing a good job in following the coaches' advice. Just keep doing what your doing. I know its hard, but let her make moves. As difficult as it seems, keeping your distance works.

I wanted to also bring up possibly attending Retrouvaille - a spiritual marriage counseling session. But not sure when or if... I know it's only been a day... I'm just confused... and don't want to f anything up.

Thanks so much for your time... anyone willing to read ALL of this.... LOL!!

Haven't done Retro yet, but would love to. Have heard lots of great feedback on it. Understand that it is more than just one weekend. There are several follow up sessions that are involved. Not sure if we are at the right point just now. I know there is one coming up in my area for January. I guess I'll see where we are at that point. Could still be an option.

[fightingirish]

First, Sorry you are here, but this board is full of wonderful people and they will help you best they can.

Im not on every day anymore, just check in every couple of days to see how everyone is, so If I don't respond right away, I will get to it. Trying to work out my own issues.

You are doing great, you really are. I would not pursue at all, this will only drive them further away. As for her saying it is over, I would just try not to dwell on it. and dont' snoop as you know it will cause more heartache..

This will be one of the most hardest things you have to do, detach. As mark said, don't offer any details if you are going out. Continue to gal... I know it feels like you are going crazy, but we are all here with you.

Also don't worry about screwing anything up. Everyone makes mistakes along the road to recovery, nothing is perfect and you will have some back slides now and then, the important thing is, is that you work on yourself and doing what makes you and your children happy, the rest will come.

Take care~

Tal