Hi, new here and my H is in MLC at 32.

[Beth 83]

Hi Butterfly, I definitely think that further NC would be beneficial for you. And I say for you because you will finally see the things that YOU will need if/when you two get back together to rebuild your marriage. NC for me, was/is so hard, but really brought me into my own emptiness and what I would need from our relationship. So yos, NC is going to be hard, but I think it is worth it.

In re to the move, considering how he is crying, I wouldn't anticipate him "living it up". Is it possible? I guess so, but it seems to me that is something you won't be able to control so try not to focus on that negative possibility.

Keep your head up. It seems to me that the fact your husband continues to say he loves you is something big to hold onto.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

TB,

I'm scared, though, that once he finds a place and gets moved there that he will feel excited about it & that he'll interpret his feelings of excitement to mean he should leave me for good. I know when I moved I sortof felt like that, so I am worried.

Any advice is appreciated, he moves late Nov. and I know if he's excited it will be hard for me (I experience it as further rejection, and worry he will meet someone else b/c of the area he's moving to has lots of single people our age).

What you are doing here is worrying about things that may or may not happen and it is scaring you and...look, worry sets up a cycle, it forms a circle, and it keeps going around and around.

It is one of the hardest things not to do, it is sooo damn hard to accept a come what may attitude, but it is vital.

Do you worry about getting into a car crash on the way home? I mean it could happen. And yeah...I put that thought in your head...but you aren't going to obsess about it.

Doormat - (him)- "Hey thanks for dinner I'm going to the OW's house now, can you do my laundry before I get back tomorrow?"

DB - (you) (unsaid)- "I'll be here for as long as I am able while you go through this."

Extreme, but a decent example.

[txbutterfly]

Thanks all. Yes, I am worrying. About everything, and I know I shouldn't...does me NO good. I agree Beth - the "i love you" comments sure sound promising, don't they? Hard to understand why someone thinks you should get a D when they still "love" you. He says "not sure that's enough" and says how "platonic" we are, etc. Ouch.

My DB coach was *concerned* about the NC deal b/c she said it's important to maintain a connection/friendship for something to build on. Which makes sense.
Who knows if "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "out of sight, out of mind" would be more true in our case.

But I do also see the potential value in more severe separation/NC because H and I are SO dependent on each other (C calls this a "fused" relationship)...even though living apart we still talk almost daily & see each other every week outside of work. We own a business together (trying to get out of that) so for now it's impossible to have ZERO contact. We'd have to make big effort to really limit it.

Being so "Fused" (immature relationship) it's hard to get a sense of who the other person really IS (especially if one of us is having an identity crisis!)...which makes it hard to treat each other with respect, not take for granted. Could show how we might relate differently to each other if we had a break from the R and each other to "come into our own" and each relate from a place of maturity and self-sufficiency. H doesn't sound interested in this, he wants to get on with coming to a decision, not drag it out longer. I'm curious to hear what C thinks.

It's hard to know if H really IS going through a QLC/MLC. He says he is not (I know, they don't admit it) but he has all the classic markers, at least he did when the bomb dropped (EA, big weight loss, new taste in food & music, wants sportscar, even going by his middle name now)...which did calm down after about 2 months. My DB coach said she thought it was *some* type of crisis (identity or MLC) but C hasn't confirmed to me either way.

[txbutterfly]

Well, I snooped his work computer again. I've done this about 4-5 times since the "bomb" 5 months ago. Did it 2 times in the last month, tonight being one of those times. I know it's bad, but we own a business together, and over the last 5 months, he has been dishonest with me (since the EA)...so I snoop occasionally just to see what he's up to...b/c I want to know what I am dealing with to protect myself financially, emotionally, etc.

TURNS OUT:
• He went to a "singles over 30" social mixer 2 weeks ago. He told me he "went out to a bar with a guy friend" that night...of course he left out that it was a "mixer" for SINGLES over 30 (nevermind he isn't single). I've asked him if he is actively trying to meet women and he says "No, I'm just making new friends". A**hole. I've told him that if he is out there meeting women then he should tell me and I will cease the MC (which is not inexpensive).

• I noticed a note in his calendar to "text Blair" and later that night "Blair" appointment at 8:00pm...later in the month "Blair's birthday". Who the heck is Blair? He has not mentioned this person to me. Could be a guy's name I guess, but gee, he is sure trying to make sure not to forget to contact this person or remember their important dates...sounds like new OW to me.

• I logged into our old joint credit card (my login still works, even though its his card). Wanted to see if he took "Blair" out for a date on that night in his calendar...figured I could tell by the restaurant. That days' charges are not live on the website yet. But I did see a HOTEL charge on another night, 2 weeks ago. I called the hotel & they said that is most likely NOT a room charge b/c of the amount. But accounting dept was closed so I will be able to get confirmation tomorrow of what that was exactly.

I don't know why he keeps lying to me. It seemed like he had come back around more, being more loyal to me again, etc...and really over the last few weeks he is exhibiting the old "early bomb" attitude, more anger toward me, blaming, and now lying. Like his MLC is picking up steam again...him wanting to move forward faster to a decision about the D. He is cake-eating for sure. Buying time.

Anyone have advice for me NOW? I'm tempted to hire a P.I. and get back on my attorney's appointment schedule. I feel like I am being played. And I am scared.

I noticed in the last 2 weeks that our MC's *tone* about our relationship seems to have changed, since H started seeing him individually. My last private appointment with C, he sounded as if trying to tell me to start accepting D.

[txbutterfly]

Still feeling really upset about the lying. I can't really confront him about it b/c then he'd know I snooped in his computer. I know it's hypocritical (my lying to him about snooping, but being mad at him for lying to me)...just not sure what to do about all the lies in our relationship now.

Right now I really hate him for putting me through this. I haven't been a perfect wife, and sometimes downright terrible...but I always have been devoted and committed and loved him.

I know, I need to concentrate on myself. I do pat myself on the back b/c yesterday I finally took another step in getting my new apartment decorated!! I've been here 4 months now & that time has been spent grieving & surviving. I got some new furniture and it will be delivered this week, I'm so excited to start putting this place together. Just the few little accessories I got yesterday are reminding me:

There is a life up ahead for me, with or without him. I just have to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other...even tiny steps will keep me moving toward a better relationship, a better life than what this is right now.