What do I do with her?

[Mike is Hurtin']

I've just started this, and it's hard. It's hard to "find" the things you like to do - alone.

Actually, every passing day makes it a bit easier to find things to do alone.

Something that has really helped me is http://www.meetup.com. I regularly do searches for things going on in my area, and I've met a lot of great people and had a lot of fun doing things rather spontaneously.

Being alone is something we choose for ourselves. There's a world of people to meet and things to do - we just have to look a little harder than we're used to. :-)

Good luck with it. Believe me - I know how hard this is.

-- Mike

[Larrynarry]

Mike... I apologize, but I've been off and on quite a bit recently.

If you guys haven't talked about the event, is it still understood that it's a date?

I think lwb has the right idea. Me personally... I'd invite a friend.. make them pay their half so it's not a "date" if it's a female.

My W supposedly has some symphony thing to go to.. she asked if I would take her. That's come up a few times, but I don't push it. If she wants me to take her.. I'd probably take her.

She'll have to ask though. Not the other way around.

My 2 cents.

[Mike is Hurtin']

If you guys haven't talked about the event, is it still understood that it's a date?

I suppose it is technically still a date, since I bought the tickets (she's well aware of this fact).

I think lwb has the right idea. Me personally... I'd invite a friend.. make them pay their half so it's not a "date" if it's a female.

This is exactly what I thought about doing - I'm just nervous because I know I'm in the "angry" stage right now, and I don't want to do something just out of spitefulness or vindictiveness.

Right now, I'd like for nothing more than to rip into her with a sound verbal thrashing about what she's put me through for the past two month. Unleash a torrent of expletives describing exactly what I think of her. It's taken incredible restraint to *not* do that, and I'm pretty sure I can get through this stage without doing that ... it's just so hard to know what's right, and what simply feels right at the time.

-- Mike

[LL44]

Right now, I'd like for nothing more than to rip into her with a sound verbal thrashing about what she's put me through for the past two month. Unleash a torrent of expletives describing exactly what I think of her. It's taken incredible restraint to *not* do that, and I'm pretty sure I can get through this stage without doing that ... it's just so hard to know what's right, and what simply feels right at the time.

I know!! Sometimes, I want to ask him when its MY turn to share MY grievances??? They know this, and are expecting it. One book I read said there is a time and place for our complaints and worries, and that is during reconciliation. Makes sense, but not fair, huh?

[Mike is Hurtin']

I know!! Sometimes, I want to ask him when its MY turn to share MY grievances??? They know this, and are expecting it. One book I read said there is a time and place for our complaints and worries, and that is during reconciliation. Makes sense, but not fair, huh?

In an odd sense, it is fair. I could unleash a torrent of expletives on W right now, but it would wash off like water on a duck's back. In fact, it would probably make things worse, since (as Theo explained earlier in this thread) it would make the A seem all the more dangerous and rebellious and "fun".

If we never reconcile, then there's no point in wasting my energy on her. I'll go to the gym and get my frustrations out physically (and legally). If we do reconcile, my words will have the most impact when she's actually listening to me and thinking about what I have to say.

Fairness went out the window when she cheated on me, unfortunately. All we can do is the "right thing" - to make sure we can look at ourselves in the mirror every morning and know that we're being the better man/woman.

Cheers,
-- Mike

[LL44]

If we never reconcile, then there's no point in wasting my energy on her. I'll go to the gym and get my frustrations out physically (and legally). If we do reconcile, my words will have the most impact when she's actually listening to me and thinking about what I have to say.

Fairness went out the window when she cheated on me, unfortunately. All we can do is the "right thing" - to make sure we can look at ourselves in the mirror every morning and know that we're being the better man/woman.

WOW!!! So true, so very true. Thank you for spelling it out for me, seriously. I told H that until he wants to recommit to me, I won't be able to work through many things that have happened, because why bother if he isn't staying? I told him for ME, I am working on forgiving him and letting this go, while admitting the fault I have in making the marriage what it was, but never taking responsibility for his physical affair. Beyond that, yes, they aren't listening, so why bother?

[Mike is Hurtin']

WOW!!! So true, so very true. Thank you for spelling it out for me, seriously. I told H that until he wants to recommit to me, I won't be able to work through many things that have happened, because why bother if he isn't staying? I told him for ME, I am working on forgiving him and letting this go, while admitting the fault I have in making the marriage what it was, but never taking responsibility for his physical affair. Beyond that, yes, they aren't listening, so why bother?

So very, very true.

It's a slippery slope to blaming yourself for your spouse's affair - and it's one I have come close to more than a few times.

I keep reminding myself that two wrongs don't make a right ... and the culmination of every mistake that I made doesn't even come close to justifying her affair.

I'm not a religious person by any means, but I'm quickly learning the power of forgiveness - and no so much for my spouse, but rather as a mechanism to let go of unnecessary anger and resentment that I'm carrying. The sooner I free myself of that, the sooner I can make trails down the long road to recovery.

Cheers,
-- Mike

[LL44]

My friend said anger/resentment is like a handful of snakes. Keep it close to you, and it only hurts you, and will keep biting and hurting you. Getting rid of it (handing it over to whoever, your spouse, God..) is helping you.

And yes, I have come VERY close to taking the blame as well, that is what they want us to do.

[Mike is Hurtin']

My friend said anger/resentment is like a handful of snakes. Keep it close to you, and it only hurts you, and will keep biting and hurting you. Getting rid of it (handing it over to whoever, your spouse, God..) is helping you.

Good analogy.

I'm having a weak day today. Want badly to call her. I know I can't - and I won't - but it doesn't make it any easier.

-- Mike

[Larrynarry]

Best thing I've found in this spot is to make myself busy. Work, working out.. calling a friend, whatever.

Just find something to take your mind off of her.

It's not easy, but it works.