From the sound of it, and those of us who follow stories on these boards, it's pretty clear your wife is having an affair. Often when a woman falls in love with another man suddenly they become "clear" on how unhappy they have been in their marriage. The affair is the catalyst for what is called re-writing the marriage story. And guess who the villain is in the new story? You. How else can she cope with the guilt and outrageousness of an affair? She has to paint you as a person who is worthy to be cheated on. Now this doesn't mean that there were not problems in the marraige that led to the affair, but, often these get magnified way beyond proportion once the affair is under way.
By the way, the whole re-writing the marital history is rather unconcious. The affair must be rationalized and, in the fog-induced state of an affair, the mind will natually seek a reson for that the heart is doing. It's almost biological. There's an adrenaline and endorphine reaction in the person who is in the early stage of a romance. Your wife is literally in mating season, to use a crude term. Her biological makeup is gravitating to the Other Man And, since you only mate with one person at a time, all intruders, (that's you) get crowded out. She crowds you our by painting you as an inferior mate.
In addition the separation gets sold as "needing space" and "figuring me out." Sometimes that true. Often it's the pretext for setting up a love nest.
In addition, the "I'm not happy in the marriage" speech, is almost always 99% the first thing you hear and then, they just happen to mention there might be someone else in the picture. They minimize the Other Person's role. Then, as the evidence pours in, you see a different picture.
What's your biological reaction and chemical make up during this whole crisis? Naturally you percieve a threat so, unless you can go out and beat the crap out of the OM and get your wife back, those chemicals start back firing in your system. Without the fight or flight response the body starts turning stress in on itself. Then depression sets in. Then comes sadness, grief and anger. Your biochemical state is this: anxiety, depression, obession, grief and rage. Hardly attractive is it?
Dude, this is textbook.
Sorry for the bad news.
The only evidence you have is massive phone calls and internet correspondence. I think your gut is right, however.
Often, for some people, an emotional affair is as potent a marriage destroyer as a physical affair. So whether there is sex or not, she's given her heart to someone else.
And the more you try to stop/fight the affair, the more power you give it. Your interference will give it a romantic, forbidden and exotic flavor. Look at Romeo and Juliet.
It has to run it's course.
If you haven't read the Divorce Remedy, do so. Fast forward to page 124 and read the Last Resort Technique, then start readong the whole book.
Basic rules of engagement.
1. Don't chase. 2. Don't be desperate or needy. 3. Give her space. 4. Get a life. That is, focus on yourself. Your joy, your hobbies, your call to adventure. 5. Get regular excerize. IT's nature's anti-depressant. It's also help externalize the fight or flight response your body needs to offer this crisis. 6. Generally most affairs burn themselves out. When they do, the person needs time to grieve the loss of the affair partner and then only starts to come out of the fog. The question is, what kind of person will YOU be when she comes out of the fog? Being physically fit, happy, grounded, self-confident, non-needy and warrior-like, will be very attractive to her. Possibly this is the time you tap into that part of you she's been waiting to see.
Listen and absorb theo, mark, and jar. I know the ladies are full of it (knowledge, that is), but I am sure the male perspective is so important to you right now.
Welcome, and yes, not the place to be welcomed to. But, its been tremendous support for me. I come online shaking with bad news and feel much better after I come here.
You are doing everything you can. The fact that you have already started to improve yourself is a great sign. There are no 'fireworks' or bad fights, it doesn't seem you are begging or pleading (a no-no, makes us look weak), so really, time is your friend and enemy at the same time.
Its hard, beyond hard, but you are doing very well.
Welcome. I originally wanted to add a few things but then realized that all can be said (to this moment) has been said.
I'm so sorry that you had to come here, but lwb is SO right. We all come here to vent, cry...etc. and leave with a better feeling. I don't mean to be a smarta$$, but we also come here to laugh and lift our spirits too. I see it this way........
Your S is having an A:
Paying a Counselor - $125/hr. Buying Self Help Books - $100+ Being able to get incredible support from people on the DB boards that you've never met and feeling better about things - Priceless!
Have a great day. Check on you soon.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Thanks, everyone, for the kind welcomes and responses.
I'm doing my darndest *not* to seem desperate. Since she moved out I haven't called her (except to pass on relevant information like mail she should know about), haven't made any unexpected visits, and I don't act all "chatty" with her friends. It's killing me inside, of course, but I'm doing what I think needs to be done.
It's also difficult to know what to do with the feelings of having been violated and lied to. There's a side of me that just wants to lose my temper with her and tell her *exactly* what I think about her actions. Again, I know this would be entirely counterproductive for both of us, but the urge is still there. That will hopefully pass with time.
Anyways, I'll look forward to talking more with this group - you all seem like a wonderfully supportive and thoughtful collection of people.
Cheers, -- Mike
Mike is Hurtin': Me: 32 W: 32 No kids M: 8 years, T: 10 years Bomb: ILYBINILWY: 9/11/07 Seperated: 10/13/07
W still states OM is just a friend, and the kiss on 06/2007 was a one-time thing.
Reading your sitch, apart from a few minor details...I could have wrote it myself, your's is very simular to mine.
You have got some good sound thoughts & advice already & even though our sitch's are simular I don't think I can add to much to what you have been told here. I will say that you are doing what I have did in the early stages & I say it's the right way forward. Give her the space & don't chase, but also if you can, keep what ever contact you have to your advantage. I guess I mean, if you have buisness to disscuss then use it to shine with confidence & brightness. Like my wife & I, you don't have kids & most see that as a God send in seperations, I agree to most. However, without kids the face to face contact "could" be minimal & I think most would agree that without some sort of contact, you lessen your chances of breaking through to your wife. With that said please don't look for any old reason to call etc. Use what ever valid reasons you do have, and make the most out of them.
The pain & hurt will pass believe me, it will. It's been six months for myself & i'm now at a comfortable stage. You will too, maybe not as soon as you would like, but you will be fine, trust me.
If I can give you any advice that I would say is good advice....That would be to begin by remaining friends with your wife, even though it's hard at times. Try to maintain a friendship but do not make yourslef a doormat. From the start I deciced that I would try to keep all contact cival & friendly & I can tell you that there was not much contact at all. At the moment, contact is semi regular & phone calls have gone form what were a few seconds to a few minutes, not much, but the difference is there & it's important to take note of the little changes in your wife & her attitude towards you. Face to face contact has gone from zero to her been in no hurry to get me out of the door & the last time my wife came here she was here 1.5 hrs. So again look for the little changes along the way.
Be happy with you & it will show. Be friendly, carm & confident in yourself.....It may not win your wife back in an instant or even ever. But one thing, it will not make your sitch any worse. I strongly believe that my sitch has improved & your's will too. Time & patiance or such key factors mate.
I swear that you are writing about me! Experienced the same reaction from my wife about 6 years ago...secret cell phone, txt msgs, email accounts, time unaccounted for while all along indicating that we could work things out.
What she was actually doing was stringing me along because I truly cared for her and my family and wanted things to work out while all along continuing her relationship on the side. So I paid the bills, went to counseling, "dated", read the books....but it didn't matter one little tiny bit as far as the rejunenating the relationship...
Anyone in and extramarital affair is having a ball and they can manipulate the pants off of the left-behind spouse because he/she is dumbfounded and totally lost because his/her world had been turned upside down.
Get a private investigator today...very expensive, but very valuable. Seal the deal. Go to your attorney Monday....get legally separated after you prove the affair is ongoing. Better yet, document that she left the home without your permission or any agreement. Close the accounts. You are off her list. Get her off of yours. She will be nice and seem to cooperate as long as you keep the $ flowing....shove her into her lover's arms with reality that you create. I know you are miserable, lonely, stressed, tired and looking for all the answers you can to unlock the door back to her heart.
Do not act nice. Do not go on dates. She doesn't want to be there. Create the reality for her that is she is gone, so are you.
I wish I had listened to my friends who could see my situation from the outside. I unfortunately became the great enabler instead of the ender. She left the marriage, you didn't want her to go, and now you have the great pleasure of putting an end to it all because she won't, for whatever reason.
She has her lover. She has you...if it doesn't work out with Bozo then she'll just come home and treat you poorly because you are now her last choice and she'll be very unhappy that now she's stuck with you and her lover is off with someone else and she'll be depressed because she just lost her Lover...blah, blah, blah.
The info on the web site is awesome. The coaches are great. But, a woman who is gone is gone and will most likely never come "home" again for many reasons, even if she decides to live with you again at sometime in the future. Cut you losses now. Please. Yes, you can get back together but it will always be difficult and stressful wondering when the next bomb will drop.
Check out the web site, Women's Infidelity.com The information there will help you peer into the mind of someone in the throws of an affair.
I am a better changed person because of the events in my life but if I can help spare another man from years of trying when it won't matter, then that's all I can do.
Strange and NCplayer, thanks for your responses. There's a lot of food for thought in both, and I'll address a few points in each.
To the point about money and lawyers and such - the joint accounts are already closed, and I spoke to a lawyer last Wednesday. We're not quite at the point of drawing up separation papers (for a few reasons I won't go into), but rest assured that there is no financial support going back to her. She works and is supporting herself, as am I.
Friendship. This is a complicated subject, and one I'm still struggling with. At the outset of the separation, it *seemed* important to remain friends, but it's been tough. We had our first "date" night last Thursday, and it was just awkward and difficult.
That said, I have made a resolve to keep our contact (telephone and in person) as cordial as I can make it. No desperate ploys or long talks about what went wrong, etc., etc., but rather that I'm pleased to see her and hoping she's as happy in her new situation as I am.
Something else I'm learning to do is to "keep control" of our contact. Without being rude or obvious, I make sure I'm the one who ends the phone call, or brings the visit to its logical conclusion. Again, the key is to do this politely and respectfully, just as one friend would do to another when a visit has come to its logical conclusion.
I'm doing my best not to think about reconciling at this point. W has a long way to go to prove that she can even be a friend to me. Until that happens, I don't think it's necessary to speculate any further.
Cheers, -- Mike
Mike is Hurtin': Me: 32 W: 32 No kids M: 8 years, T: 10 years Bomb: ILYBINILWY: 9/11/07 Seperated: 10/13/07
W still states OM is just a friend, and the kiss on 06/2007 was a one-time thing.
Get a private investigator today...very expensive, but very valuable. Seal the deal. Go to your attorney Monday....get legally separated after you prove the affair is ongoing. Better yet, document that she left the home without your permission or any agreement. Close the accounts. You are off her list. Get her off of yours. She will be nice and seem to cooperate as long as you keep the $ flowing....shove her into her lover's arms with reality that you create.
NCplayer, I'm struggling with this decision now. I've only been at this for three months, but it seems like an eternity. It terrifies me that I could keep this up for years and still not get the results we both desire. She has been really distant for the last few weeks and I suspect that she has started talking with the OG again. I'm on the fence as to what my decision should be, but I'm starting to lean towards filing.
