You don't want to see him or talk to him, but you hoped he would want to come to dinner with you guys and you continue R talk with him? Makes no sense. I would hope that he would want to see D8 of course, but wouldn't it be tense for you all to do it together?
Isn't the time apart from him less stressful than attempting faked family stuff? I think it is. I understand you miss him, want him back, but your H isn't the one you love anymore. Take care, go dark, and enjoy your children.
I said that I had hoped he would join us for dinner. Not now. Oh, and I wouldn't have talked R. Just dinner. To please D8 mostly.
Yes, I do think time apart is sometimes less stressful. But not necessarily when I am alone. I am working on finding things to occupy my time. Redoing my home once I get all his stuff out. Perhaps even rearranging rooms. I have lots of ideas.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Dinner was nice w/the kids. Actually was able to smile for once. The b-day party will be tough, but I will persevere.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
My son tells me he is "being fair" and trying to split his time between parents. 2 days here, 2 days there. And that he is "trying" to get us back together. If he is I haven't seen it. Except him consolling me when I am upset and crying... ========================================== Don't know if this is still the case, but for heavens sake, do not put this huge burden on your son! he needs to know it is not his reponsability at all, he has no business being in between, tell him you'll handle it. Please dont' let your kids see you cry anymore, wait until they are sleeping, you are the only responsible parent they got now, if you are in shambles they will feel their world coming down on their heads, you are their safe place now, you have to be strong for them. BTDT.
About your H and the kids school work, if it is suffering he needs to know, has nothing to do with being his secretary, he needs to know if there is a conference and be there when the teacher tells him how his d needs help, dont' let him off the hook, he needs to know. If it pertains with the kids it is your job to let him know, because it is about the kids. IF he doesn't show up then that's on him, but you would have done your part as a parent.
Gather your kids together and tell them that despite what's happenening that you all will do JUST FINE, that you are happy to have them with you and that no matter what happens dad and mom love them.
No more calls to your brother, no matter how awful your H behaves, they are not a good source of encouragement (but you know that already) , rant here or at your support group, I dissagree with all they've said, it is easy to say "dump him!" when afterwards you get to go to your unbroken home. I told no one ( and I have a huge family) asides from a cousin who also went through the same thing and my sister, who would tell me "dont' cry ok?" how coudl I tell her I cried myself to sleep and cried at work? I would just say "ok" and not tell her anymore. Had I told my other sis and brother they would've want to dismember my H and would've fill me with the same negative stuff your brother is filling you with.
Your H is going to say lots of things, all your past has been a lie on his eyes, remember the methapor about the colored glasses? my H was the same, he never was happy, he didnt' really loved me, yada yada, he had a lawyer and wanted a D right after he left. I stopped the pursuin and after I told him we both needed space and time he cooled down and was actually somewhat civil with me, I stopped pushing him and convincing him. He's in the anger stage, and that will last at least 1-3 mths, trust me, nothing you could say will make a dent. Work on you, make your home a safe place for the kids, go out with them, fill your time, study with d7 and have time alone with s11, they really need you.
I'm sorry if somethings sound too rough, but you have to do the best with what you got now, you can do it, your children are very vulnerable now, I know you are too, I am glad you have a support group and hope you keep going, I have been there and know that the only way to survive a S is to accept that you will be alright even if he never comes back.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you for the good advice. And yes, I have told my son that he is not responsible for what happened and it is not his responsibility to be "fair" or try to get us back together. Not sure that he believes it though, but working on it.
D8 just had a breakdown minutes ago, ran crying into the bathroom and said she hates her life. I took her to the sofa and made her talk to me. First she didn't say much but finally opened up that this situation has really upset her. She said when she is sleeping over there all she can think about it wanting to be with me. I told both of them there was nothing we could do about him leaving but as you said make the best of it for the 3 of us in the situation. I had her call and talk to him. She asked him if he would sleep over here on xmas so all of us would be together xmas morning. He only said we'll see.
One thing I did get upset over and told him so was her party yesterday - he left before it was over. In my mind nothing could be more important than that. He disagreed, of course, and said no matter if he stayed the night I would complain about something. That is not true but he would not believe it. And I am sure he left and went out partying and drinking. I guess more than anything I was disappointed. He just blew it off and said I am just a bad parent. No real answers you know. I wanted to see I have to expect it now but bit my tongue and said it to myself. I also expect that from now on we will have 2 parties every time which I hate. The kids mentioned it to me as we just went to a friends kids party at their fathers that the mother and family did not attend. Both of my kids said they do not want that. I told them to let him know of their feelings, I can do no more. He will think I put every idea in their head from now on. And I did not. I just hate how bitter it has become. LIke you said, maybe after a few months it will settle more. But that seems worlds away.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
You talked of disapointment and expectations in your post. They go hand in hand. Have no expectations when it comes to H. Worry about yourself and your children. It leads to less disapointment.
Good advice but hard to do, you know? I am doing my best to disconnect and not to think about things. I just keep chugging along. Hard when I am alone, it brings it all up, especially in the middle of the night when kids are away. That is the hardest.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Well, I have read some of your posts and have been through the same emotions myself. First thing, get tested for clinical depression...very common when you life is out of your control. There are many good web sites where you can test yourself. The best thing the antidepressants do is take away the wild mood swings that normally accompany these life-changing experiences.
Please seek professional help if you think you are depressed, otherwise you will not be able to think clearly about any of the issues you will be forced to face over the next few months to years.
For me, it has taken about 5 years to get over the shock! Eventually, you realize that there is nothing you can do to change how things are and then you will begin to think as how to protect yourself. How long it takes to get over this varies widely and there is very little that you can do to change the time frame as to when you will feel better. One day you just will, but you will be wiser and better. That I do promise.
I eventually felt better when I could finally look at my wife and feel no emotion at all. Neither love nor hate not anything else. That has been very helpful because I stopped trying to put a broken egg back together and therefore simply had more energy for living my life as it should be lived.
I hope these thoughts help. You are in the middle of a very difficult time and you are simply seeking a quite place in your life away from the "mess". That day won't happen overnight. Instead it will happen slowly and incrementally in very, very tiny steps and eventually one day you will feel human again.
ditto about expectations, have none. You must respect his desicion to leave the party early as upsetting as it might be. I'm telling you this because I used to be a control freak, always thought what was best and what my H should or should not do. It is a way to show you respect his opinion, he doesn't want to stay, well, he misses out, don't get upset about it.
About the parties, just do your preparations as usual, and let him know he is welcome to come, period, if he wants to have a party on his own for them then that will b on him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
