He left 10/2 and I can barely function-at home or at work. I am bitter and resentful. Kids have been shared - pretty much 2 days home 2 days away. I am so upset I sometimes get the shakes. I cry every day. I barely speak to H when he is at our house. I just can't face him anymore. Neither of us has the $ for divorce. So limbo continues. He has barely taken anything out - just clothes he is using. I have packed some of his stuff but he doesn't take it. I don't bring it up for fear of confrontation. As soon as I get home he leaves, if it is a night I have the kids. Otherwise I come home to an empty house. He still brings them over every morning as I am before school care and he is afterschool. Everyone keeps telling me to "get over it" which is BS, like I could flip a switch after 24 yrs together. Or that it will get better. It has been completely unbearable. I don't even have the strength right now to fight--to bust. I did that already and it didn't work. Is this really what life has become??
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Start by reading Michelle's books Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting and read them over and over. It is very hard and I have been in your shoes. The hardest thing to do and yet the one that seems to work for most people on here is give him space. I was so guilty of crying and begging everytime he came by or called. I am finding that the more I act like I have moved on the better reactions I get. I am dealing with a mental issues with my husband in the fact that he is bipolar and has a bipolar girlfriend so I know it is totally different but I do know that in most of the cases I see letting go seems to bring them back the fastest.
I wish I had some great advice to fix all of this for you but I don't. Read these boards, listen to the advice you get here, read the DR and DB and apply what you learn, take care of you, GAL and start doing things for you. I know this is hard in the beginning it has been 11 weeks for me and I am just now able to start eating but I just enrolled in college and I am taking steps to try to move forward.
Hugs to you and keep us posted.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
HI Sorry to see you on this site but you are in the right place to find some help and meet some great people. I agree with Amy get the books and read them over and over.
So what led to your S? Can you give us some background on how you got to where you are right now?
if you are not seeing a C get one pronto, you will need it as this sitch will streach out for months. It is unbearable and I also cried at work, but it will get better, you must tell yourself that you CAN make it on your own. I know it is a thought you can' bear, but for your own sanity you must have plan B "what if he doesn't come back" , figure out how things would be, financially, about the kids. Once you make a plan you will feel better, I promise, it will set you free.
Focus on yourself right now, do things to make you happy, give your bedroom a makeover, make plans to go out with friends when the kids wont' be home, WORK OUT, it willdo wonders for you. I started by buying used tae bo tapes and working out after the kids went to bed. I droped 17lbs and my body felt good. Join a reading group, keep busy, whenever your mind is idle is a perfect ground for depression to spread, don t let that happen.
You can make it, and you can become a better person in the end, you will be ok, you did just fine before you met him, find that strong independent woman you were before you knew him, she is there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have read divorce remedy twice. Started again but couldn't finish. Need to start over again. I just have no strength to do it right now. Can no longer act "as if". I do not beg at all, I guess that is one good thing. Been trying all week to get an appt with my counselor, no luck so far.
Amy, I love you closing statement about God and the window!!! Thanks for the cyber hugs!!!!
Lately I have had no success with this website and was ready to give it up for good but decided to hope for one last try.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Hang in there; I'm sorry to see you in this situation, but this is a ride you nor any of us signed up for. You've been getting good advice so far; follow it and you will see improvement. It will take a while, but I've been on this road five months now and I'm a lot better off than two months into it.
Read all you can; focus on yourself. What can you do to grow as a person during this time? It's really true--we are responsible for our own happiness. Volunteer. Get a new hobby. Try new things. Rekindle old friendships. Meet new friends. I've learned so much about myself, love, and relationships through all the pain. Maybe W and I will have a new, better marriage. Maybe not. But I do know one thing: I'm a better person for whomever I am with next, be it W or a new wife. You must make changes for yourself, not for your H or anyone else.
Don't try to read too much into actions or words. Oh, I know it's hard. It's real hard. But you will drive yourself crazy trying to determine what his feelings and motives are. Detach, detach, detach. Be there if you want to be when he needs you, but live your life for yourself. You cannot depend upon him for now.
He controls a lot, I'm sad to say, but you control how long you are willing to stay on this ride. Don't let anyone here or anyone else tell you how long to ride. You must make that decision for yourself. I'm amazed at how long some people on this board have stood for their marriage. They are truly courageous people who have endured horrific pain. Some have gotten a new, better marriage. All have become better people.
Hey HSS, Just wanted to buzz by and let you know that I am also married to my high school sweetheart. It is very difficult to see them making obvious mistakes. It is hard to know if it is a pattern or a sickness, so by all means get thee to your C right away. If you have the funds, I hear that the phone counselors on this site are also very knowledgable and insightful. I am also sorry for your kids. They are at a crucial age but I guess it is rotten at any age and you have already been through the ringer a few times. Seems tough to hear unsolicited advice from others so maybe it is best to show PMA and reserve the rants and vents to only a select few trusted pro marriage people. Of course you can't flip a switch. My parents have been divorced more years now than they were married and my mom still calls him her husband. She never says exhusband. They still love each other after all these years! I do meet less and less people actually married to their prom dates, seems rare in my circle. People think it is so charming and romantic. That is what makes our sitches even more tragic. BUT there is an afterlife to all this separation. I am happier the way things have turned out but I do have resentment and anger and I have to walk on eggshells all the time. Just as BRUCE said, we all have become better people thanks to DR. I know I have.
You mentioned sometimes things got unbearable. At those times I drove, went to the library, bought gossip magazines, went on the elliptical, watched one safe movie over and over (Something's Gotta Give), got addicted to a new TV show (Gilmore Girls), went out to dinner, took up yoga, unfortunatley took up wine tasting-hee hee, bought Serious Skin Care on QVC, oh yeah, became Super Mom!!! and thank goodness found this forum.
Notice none of these things have anything to do with the H? They are just about decompressing.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/25/0705:45 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I am so glad to see some good advice on here and not lecturing and forcefulness like I had been getting. I would go on here and be afraid and cry. I was in this forum. I have been on the whole site since 05 when he left the first time. When I first started I was mocked for my name choice-Ed'swife. Someone didn't like it and I was told about it. So here I am now.
We were engaged at the prom FYI. Ah, memories. Thought it was a fairy tale. Everything since then however has been a fight to get to fruition. Nothing came easy. But in my mind it was all worth it. I am just so sad it came to this. I would do anything to keep my marriage intact for myself and for my kids. They are innocent bystanders. My son tells me he is "being fair" and trying to split his time between parents. 2 days here, 2 days there. And that he is "trying" to get us back together. If he is I haven't seen it. Except him consolling me when I am upset and crying. I have been quite a wreck I am afraid to say. My group was good last night. However, they too want to see me out of the gloom and back on my feet. I am just not there yet. I need time. I am however detaching.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
