22 years and no communication

[Goingdownhill]

Hi there,

I can't believe I found this site and Michelle's books. Somehow I entered the right google search on saving my marriage versus the rest of what is out there. Having spent endless nights reading so many of the posts, I know I came to the right place.

I've been married for 15 years and we dated for seven during college. We now have 2 kids - ages 8 and 11. Both are wonderful children and I'm not willing to throw in the towel because of all we built together.

He however has had enough and has threatened to leave, walk out several times. I walk on eggshells not knowing when the real time will come. Our biggest issue is communication and constant fighting and yelling. I can't tell you the last time he agreed with me on something, anything.

We still live together, still have intimacy, etc. Its just outside of that we argue constantly over everything. We both work with high pressure jobs and both provide fairly equal amounts to income.

I've been keeping a diary of the episodes and encounters lately. But only when they are major. I think when time passes my memory fades because I don't want to remember what happened.

I'm not infallable, believe me. I've recognized my weaknesses and am trying to correct them as best as I can. We both are contributing to the problems in this marriage. I think I just have to be the one to take that high road like the book says.

He basically says he's "done", "burned out", "worn out", and "depleted". He has admitted that he has intentionally withdrawn all attention to me since he knows that is what I need. He says he isn't going to be sucked in. So does that mean I'm getting the 180? However, I think his indifference to me and this marriage has been around a lot longer.

Any advice you have, I'm listening with ears wide open.


Me: 42
H: 44
K: 8 & 11
Living together
Never married before
No step kids
No EA's to my knowledge

[cat03]

would he go to counceling? an obvious question, but I wonder if you guys considered it. If he doesn't want to go you would benefit greatly if you go, seems there is a lot of bad habits to break.

I've realized the main reasons my M's communication went downhill was because I'd use sarcasm a lot, if there was 2 ways a sentence could be interpret I'd choose the offending version (always think the best, give the benefit of the doubt), was too quick to defend myself and jump up inmediatly when I didnt' agree with my H.. which lead to him just bottleing everything up and just exploding one good ol' day.
Body language and how loud you speak also play a big part, you could be saying the right thing but if you are doing it through clenched teeth it comes out the wrong way.

[Goingdownhill]

Hi Cat - Thanks for the great advice. Yes, we have talked about marriage counseling. Problem is I suggested one and then he got offended that I picked one out that had religious beliefs. Although he believes in God. He was also a man so maybe that made him feel threatened. I have no idea. But I then said, "fine I'm okay if you pick one out". I've left it in his court to move forward with the counseling together but deep down in side I know he'll never make the move. We went to one many years ago and all he does with it is use it as more ammo against me in arguments. I frankly have forgotten what she told me to do other than she said we should write down our goals. We never got to that and now its been 10 or 11 years later.

I've considered going it alone with the religious guy although he does both non christian and christian counseling. And I've also considered contacting the hotline here. But I got confused by Michelle's books. I think in the first chapter she said sometimes therapists just focus on getting you to "happy again" and not trying to save the marriage. If happy is divorced then that might be the answer for some therapists. So I got concerned and started reading more here. I don't want a divorce. I just want to try to find out how we can fix what is wrong. What real life problems we all are struggling with? I know I'm not alone anymore so that is good. But I just have so many questions and need guidance.

[cat03]

about the C, pick a secular MC then, it's better than no C at all, chances are he won't find one himself.
As far as how badly it went on your last C session, chances are the C was no good if nothing good came out of it. Even though C is not a silver bullet, a good C makes a big difference, if you dont' feel you've done progress nor feel any better after you leave the office then it means you need another C.

Keep reading other posts, you will learn tons here. The first time I posted back in 2005 no one responded (I was in another forum) but I stuck around and boy am I glad I ever did, there are wonderful people here with lots of wisdom. Come here to vent and defuse when you feel it woudn't be productive to do so with your H.

I also suggest you read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" which taughts me lots and lots. Also, the "men are from mars women are from venus" book teaches you about the different styles of communication men and women have. I've been married 10yrs and was totally ignorant of many things and did damage to my M without intending to.

[ediemarie]

Welcome to the site! There are a few of us on here that have gone to Retrouvaille. All of us sing its praises. Check out their site: http://www.retrouvaille.org and check out this link

Retrouvaille vs Counseling

Retrouvaille is a program that is "run" by the Catholic church but has minimal amounts of religious material. They teach you how to communicate with one another and take the anger out of your conversations. My H and I are just finishing up our sessions and it has done wonders. They don't solve your problems, but they certainly provide a vechicle for the couple to solve their own.

Good luck!

[Goingdownhill]

Thanks Cat! That is good advice. I do see a ton of wisdom. Its more than a gripe session too. There are lots of real people here it seems working on real problems that are similar to mine. So I know I'm here to stay.

I will look for a nonsecular C. Your absolutely right when you say he won't. I know that. Which is exactly why I left the ball in his court? Maybe the wrong thing to do if I want to fix this M.

I'm going to start to look this week.

[cat03]

praying for you, good luck)))))))))

[Goingdownhill]

Hi and thanks for the advice. I looked at the site and it looks like there will be a class in town near us. I don't know if I could convince my H but I guess it won't hurt to ask. Since there is no cost maybe that might be a good option to try at least something. Right now we are just swirling.

[RedHeadWife]

I heard the "I'm done" also and now we're doing really well.

I would honestly sit him down and let him know how sincere you are in wanting to work your M issues/problems out. Let yourself be vunerable during this convo. Show him how much you love him and are willing to do the work it takes. I never realized how much effort it actually takes to keep an M on the right track. Then get busy showing him w/ your actions how serious you are about it.

[Goingdownhill]

Hi RedHead - Well I think tonight he realized I'm trying to find answers. He found me reading the DB book and I carefully placed it back in my nightstand. He opened the drawer read the title and get this "laughed". That was within an hour after he launched into me about a bowl of ice cream for our daughter the night before. He said he was right that she shouldn't have had it before going to tumbling. I let her have it.

I know I shouldn't be hurt by his laughter. I was just suprised of his reaction after all we've been through. I responded by saying I'm just trying to find some solutions and answers. I didn't offer the book to him or anything but he knows it is there now. He's seen me on this website too. I've been very low key about it.

I know I was supposed to sit down with him and tell him what I want. But I'm scared really. I know he'll just launch into me about all the things wrong with me. I don't think I can take that right now.

I'm also confused about the showing him I love him vs. the 180. The 180 is the stop nagging, etc. Also distancing yourself. I read on these posts don't give gifts, etc. or tell them you love them. Don't engage in battles. We are still intimate so I'm finding it hard not to tell him I love him even though I hear it rarely. So I think my confusion might need to be supplemented by counseling even if it with Michelle's counselors.

What do you know about the struggle between the disconnecting or 180-ing versus being the nicest you can be. I don't want to be a pushover either.