More complicated than I imagined...

[LL44]

Maybe a quick "glad you are feeling better today" would be in order. By that you are avoiding the fact that her actions were inappropriate (she knows this, I think), but you are wishing her well.

[hopeforfuture]

Crap MCC!

You have much more will power than I think I could have exhibited (with regards to the ML)!! I think you did the right thing with drawing the line.

[frank_D]

Agree with lwb, do not make it into an issue.

While living in the same house, you should not 'go dark' right now. My counselor always told me 'Nurture what you have'.

The 'intimacy' thing: If she offers, do it. Never 'debate' or question like you did the other night. All you're doing is showing her how much she doesn't have 'those feelings'. And how much of a waffler you are. Women want men to be decisive.

In fact, don't debate anything any more. Listen and validate while also being real, and setting boundaries.

Don't become her 'girlfriend' by letting her talk to you about everything. As we like to say, 'man up'

Go to 'makingherhappy.com' and sign up for the free e-mails. There are also some links to free e-books. They are usually at the end of the e-mails. He also has archives online. You need to understand what a woman needs to feel 'that feeling'.

regarding the anniversary:

I bought a 'write your own' card and wrote the following:

"I will always cherish the memory of this special day 15 years ago. You gave me two beautiful daughters to love for the rest of my life. I'm eternally grateful for all the good times we spent together. I hope we both find the life we are searching for"

[Michael Mc C]

I've taken the recommendation and simply told her that I'm glad she's feeling better. No discussion about what occurred, nothing about whether it was appropriate or not.

'man up' - i love it

I was her 'girlfriend' when she first tried to end the relationship with OM. Kicked myself for a while about taking on that role. Our 'girlfriend' relationship only lasted for about an hour but the idea of it stuck around for weeks. Nuts.

This time though I think I got it right. As much as she may have needed comforting last night, when it comes to THAT, there isn't anyone who could convince me that it's my job or that it would be in my best interest. In fact, I don't believe it would have been in her best interest either.

Reading your story really got me thinking about an anniversary card. I don't recall, however, if you ever posted anything about the impact (other than her thank you). Since you began 'piecing', has the card ever come up in discussion? Simply curious, not trying to be too strategic here!

[frank_D]

Reading your story really got me thinking about an anniversary card. I don't recall, however, if you ever posted anything about the impact (other than her thank you).

Everything you do has an impact. She had to deal with the results of her actions and how she was destroying her marriage.

She was totally confused about her life at that time. And I was able to keep my emotions at bay whenever I was around her.

[Michael Mc C]

...and I was able to keep my emotions at bay whenever I was around her.

This is an important point. I let the "crazies" out when I'm alone but when I'm with her, or with the kids, I do my best to be a pillar of emotional strength. It's actually very refreshing to be able to keep the positive attitude even when she walks around the house dragging all that emotional baggage. Not that I take pleasure in seeing her like that, it's more about my realization that I am overcoming her ability to drag me down with her.

[fightingirish]

mcc,

Just took some time to read through your stitch...You are strong and that's a good thing, although im sure there are days you don't feel like you are.

Definately don't mention what happend, good choice. She's lost right now, but I give you a lot of credit for not "giving in" its really hard I know.

her seeing you with a positive attitude is only going to make you more appealing to her and if it doesn't its her loss.

Keep up the good work.. hugs

tal

[NCplayer]

I think you did the right thing about ML.

From what I hear, she is still deeply attracted to the OM and can't get him out of her head.

From my experience, sometimes a spouse will actually let you have "sex" just to get the pressure off of them, but you can easily tell she don't want to be there....and that's no fun at all.

A think she's still talking to him, emailing, or however they communicate. The crying comes from the guilt they are experiencing. There's really nothing wrong with you...they are the one with the issues...trying to lead a double life wondering when it's all going to collapse.

[Michael Mc C]

Okay, had a bit of a backslide last night. Wine. Sucked. Started getting needy - idiot!! Should have gotten up and walked away LONG before that started. I tried making a point about how she gets sucked into her online world. First of all, I never should have even bothered, secondly, after a couple glasses of wine, it was exactly the wrong time to do it.

So she ended up exploding a bit. Told me that she feels like i'm trying to suck up all of her attention and energy. I tried to calm things down but it didn't work - I kept as calm as I could and when I realized we were headed for battle, I got up and walked away.

It's been a while since we've had a blow up. Tensions run high sometimes and I guess it's to be expected. God I hope I learn from this one!!
============
So, she was invited to go spend a few days up at a friends cabin in Hunter (NY). It's supposed to be a bunch of women going to relax, drink some wine, etc. I've been encouraging my wife to go because I think it would be good for her to get out for a couple of days/nights and interact with the real world again. She's been hesitating - I am 99% sure it is because she's concerned our situation may come up in discussion.

Last night she said she may go tonight and just spend a single evening. I'm all for it. I want to pack her bag and get her directions. Anything to get her back out with people.

Here's the hitch - All of the other women that will be there are happily divorced and either remarried or engaged. However, I'm not going to stress about it. Even if they help validate her feelings and plans, in the end, it his her choice.

When she comes back tomorrow, I'll just act as if it was a relaxing time out with friends - and it may very well be just that.

[Dr LOve]

Here's the hitch - All of the other women that will be there are happily divorced and either remarried or engaged. However, I'm not going to stress about it. Even if they help validate her feelings and plans, in the end, it his her choice.

.

MCC Dude,

This is may not be a bad thing. A lot of divorced people regret what they did. I am sure with a few women there one will tell her she wishes she worked it out.
As for pushing her to go......I don't know. I would let her know it is ok with you but packing her bags and directions can make things more confusing for her.
Don't worry about the back slide. the important thing is that you see it was your doing.

Time away is good but be carefull. When My W said she was spending the weekend with her GF "she" had a penis

Husband