More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

HFF - just saw this one. You may be right. I wonder is she "wants" to go just because the rest of my family has no idea what's going on (except sister and BIL).

That's very interesting now that I think about it. If she stays here, I sure hope nothing "happens" to that damn computer of hers while I'm gone!!



Thanks. I'll have to keep an eye out on this one. I don't want her to go if she doesn't want to be there. Very awkward and damn, it's a 10 hour drive (going through her X-OM's town too!!)

[Michael Mc C]

so, does everyone here find that they spend (or have spent) a lot of time coming up with theories as to what REALLY happened? I mean we've all read the books, we've read these posts and we've done non-DB'ing research as well.

I found myself raking leaves tonight with D11 (wife was invited - one of her favorite kid activities, but declined). I had another 'ah-ha' moment in which another piece of the puzzle finally came to me and helped give me a clearer picture of what got my wife and me here.

So I've been piecing things together but have realized that there really isn't too much I can do with this "information". She doesn't want it. I can't do anything about the past. I guess it will help in the future to help keep me from repeating past mistakes but really, the "why" doesn't seem to be nearly as important now.

Just curious.

This stems from a conversation W and I had late this morning but I'll have to post that one later. In essence, she doesn't care why we're here.

[Yoyowife]

MCC,
I know exactly what you are talking about. Things have just popped in my head that helped piece the puzzle together. I just wish I had paid more attention when the puzzle was being laid out.

[hopeforfuture]

Too much time. Way too much time.

Had a conversation with W last night very much along these lines. A lot of "I've been wondering about why you are doing this now" and "I've suspected that you and OG were here or there". She gave me a lot of answers to questions I've suspected the answers to already. I've been correct on all.

Lots of puzzle pieces fitting together now.

[Michael Mc C]

Can any of you other DB'ers share what you have done when your anniversary rolled around while still DB'ing? Ours is on the 6th and I'm trying to decide what the best approach will be. Obviously no one will be able tell me what will work best in my sitch but I'd like to get some feedback on what others have done and what, if anything, was the impact.

I want to do something, probably just a card. I hate to let it pass without any kind of acknowledgement. It would have to be worded carefully so as not to seem hopeful - she's heard enough of that over these past weeks.

But then I imagine it could have the same impact as me telling her "ILY". Not supposed to say that because they are then faced with the fact that they do NOT feel the same way. If I give her anything mentioning how happy I am that we have had these past 14 years together, she may very well just think "glad you're happy, i regret it!"

Thanks for any feedback!

[hopeforfuture]

Can any of you other DB'ers share what you have done when your anniversary rolled around while still DB'ing? Ours is on the 6th and I'm trying to decide what the best approach will be. Obviously no one will be able tell me what will work best in my sitch but I'd like to get some feedback on what others have done and what, if anything, was the impact.

So for me, initial bomb was on 7/15. Our 13 year anniversary was on 9/17. PA had been ongoing for about 1 month (didn't know the extent at that time). I thought we were in the initial stages of patching. I bought 1 dozen roses and a card. Went over like a dead fish. Probably would have been better in my case to do nothing.

[NCplayer]

I went overboard, unfortunately, early on with these events..bdays, wedding ann., etc....probably best to only acknowledge the day with a simple card. No ILYs. This will send a clear message to her that you know she isn't taking care of you or the relationship and you acknowlege and therefore, no fanfare over what in the past were important events. She's on another planet....a sweet, loving card will most likely just make her feel bad because it will show her you are clueless as to how she is treating you. She knows what she's doing. She probably just wishes she were somewhere else right now.

For me, it was so important to find out about the EA so then I could simply stop doing anything for the relationship and make plans to move on......everytime I think about asking her to dinner or call her, I think of the information that I have on her activities and just go do something else because I am now a nobody in her life and that's just fine with me.

I hope he gets her! Then he can deal with all the trouble and deception and bad attitudes!

[Dr LOve]

MCC,

Ask yoyo and saffie how long it took me to figure this one out....
Now I don't know your sitch but I do think you need to do something. At the very least get an annaverery card. Not the husband or wife kind but the kind you would get a friend. And then just sign it. No ILU's


Husband

[NCplayer]

I agree.

[Michael Mc C]

Thank you all for your comments. The last thing I would do is give her an ILY, she is well aware of where I'm at with this ("I'll have hope until it's dead inside of me").

And I know where she is at. What I'm thinking is that I'll do the card, maybe somewhat sentimental because she has admitted that at one time our marriage was a great thing. I won't make it sound like a loss though. Maybe there's a way to work the kids into it...

Anyway, I'll get the card but wait to see how the day goes. I don't mind throwing some money towards Hallmark and never delivering the message - I mentioned it once before in an earlier post - I would much rather 'forget' our 14th year married, 20th year together (the week after ann.) and be able to celebrate 15 and 21 with her in 2008.

Think I'll be prepared for the day but follow her lead.

thanks again!