WAW + MLC = lots of pain

[Bill_S]

My waw is in the middle of a mlc that started about 4 or 5 years ago. Motorcycle rides with men, drinking, tattoos, 2 PA, jealous of her sisters lives etc. Shes said and done almost everything possible. How do you handle the swings? She says its over and has been for 5 years (when she said she "shut down")but says another time it was decided the day she asked for a D. She claims shes heading in the D direction (and DOESNT send different signals) but says things that just dont make sense. Limbo says:

Someone who is in MLC or WAW are classic for the mixed signals, they don't know what they want, and so this is the worst part, and that's why its referred to as a roller coaster ride, because it truly is!

So what do u listen to? The negative "I love you but Im not..." or the "I know what Im losing and it bothers me....".

How do you stay sane enough to apply DB? Whats the best approach to deal with feeling like a yo-yo?

Bill

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You listen to the confusion. The conflicting messages is the answer, in my opinion of the MLC.

If your wife left and never looked back and never contacted you, I'd say listen to that.

It is the conflicting messages that should strangely give you hope, if it is an MLC it should end one day.

She says she is headed toward the D, but yet has she done anything to make it happen or is it just alot of lip flapping?

How do you stay sane?
Distract yourself from her drama. Get a Life (GAL) this means doing things for yourself, things you have an interest in but lost or didn't do because she wasn't interested in them, or you didn't have time being married.

Not feeling like a yo-yo:
keep your expectations from her at zero, expect nothing good or bad from her.
The only thing you can control is you, how you act how you talk, when you act and when you talk, that type of stuff.

Do not talk about your relationship.

Check out the resources at the top.
Do Not try to follow the timeline.
Do Not try and figure out the non-linear stages.

[Bill_S]

Thanks Jack.
I spent 4 years analyzing every word, look, tone, movement etc, and I nearly went crazy. Everytime she dropped a "hint" that this wasnt what it seemed I fell...only to get crushed the next day. Seems she has a pattern,almost. Several bad days followed a good one. Then back to the bad. I guess as long as she gives the mixed their is hope she will come out of this.

I dont expect anything but confused action/statements. I shut the door to everything else finally. I never bring up R with her..nothing. I just listen. Its almost 10pm and Im betting she wont come home after being here the last three nights. She sleeps at a "friends house mostly.

The other strange thing is she dropped her last husband pretty quickly and she didnt have a job. Now she does and Ive gotten several excuses as to why she hasnt filed. No money, No time etc. 2 weeks ago she swore Id have papers to look over by a certain date and I got nothing. She said she just went and got a new credit card last week and got a cash advance to pay the lawyer.Shes not making smart decisions now,money or otherwise. But still...over a week later and nothing. For someone so desperate to get rid of me she isnt moving very fast. Its been 7 months since she first said she wants a D and wants it asap.

Ill focus on GAL,thanks...high time I focused on me.

[whitelight]

Her jealousy of her sisters can work for you.

If you start living a really fun and interesting life, she will be jealous of you and essentially what is supposed to be her life with you...

What is she jealous of in her sister's lives?

[Bill_S]

Hi whitelight..you name it and thats what shes jealous of.

She always felt (even b4 me) they had "perfect" lives. Good husbands, nice homes and cars, money, vacations, looks.....she has VERY low self esteem. She wanted a husband that was like her dad. The whole unconditional love thing (like being forgiven for 2 affairs!!). I wonder if (mlc) she thinks I have nothing to offer her. The grass is greener,maybe, but the yards she ends up in are always full of weeds.

Her sisters didnt always include her in their parties so she felt left out.

She still carries the guilt from her last divorce...did almost the same things to him(he was a jerk) but worse. And now from what shes done to me. Hey..why deal with your problems when you can just get rid of the focus of your guilt.

Can guilt actually cause you to get rid of someone who stuck by you for 5 years of hell?

[Bill_S]

She said shes going to see tomorrow(19th). Dont have a clue what shes up to. Went out and got dinner for the family(including her). She hurt her back so Im being nice....why doesnt the good get noticed !!!!! If she sees that Im so great now why does she still want to leave. My Story has the details of what shes said to me.

When a wife "turns off" and doesnt love you anymore....is it gone forever? I believe it isnt. If you truly love someone it never dies.....it may scab over....change a little.....get buried or turn into something ugly...maybe even perverted....but its still there.

Hope or stupidity....guess Ill find out soon.

[Bill_S]

sorry last post ate a part....seeing her lawyer tomorrow. Now back to the reading...

[braveheart]

Bill, rule #1, the nicer you are, the meaner they are. My advice, totally ignore her.

[theforlornhope]

Bill, I read your threads, they are a lot like mine. The only (sort of,) positives I've heard for a long time are things like "I'm making a mistake," "I'm bringing this all on myself." I don't take that as a hopeful sign anymore. It's just her being her "I don't know what I want" self. She feels different the next day. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

Read Jack's reply, and read it again. The only way to stop that awful feeling when the rollercoaster drops is to GAL. When this started for me about 2.5 yrs ago, I started spending more and more time at home. I thought that would help our marriage, and I wanted to spend every minute with my boys. I quit hunting, shooting competitively, and my woodworking hobby. I stopped working late and doing extra duties for work, which only happened in spurts, but I stopped altogether.

There are 2 problems here.

1. These outside activities that I was good at and enjoyed were things that identified me, things she was proud of her husband doing and being good at. By trying to spend more time at home to "fix" my part of the marriage, I was becoming less like the man she used to love, and more of a needy person that she couldn't respect. She used to be very proud of me and my job and outside abilities. She lost respect for me, and once made a comment to her co-worker about my job, "He just sits around all day." You can't love someone you don't respect.

2. You lose all external "happiness." There is nothing to bring you up when you get down from her antics. The rollercoaster is now drop after drop. You end up depending on an alien for all interactions, mostly hurtful.

Read the resources. Esp. read midlife for dummies. I needed a laugh, and that helped.

I expect nothing good, but I am standing for my marriage. I should be divorced in about 2 months. My expectations are that it is over, or over for now with any possible reconciliation far in the future. That smooths out the ride.

The thing that made me start to detach was thinking about her I,I,I, me,me,me behavior and realizing that I was acting that way in wanting to convince her to stay. My boys deserve better.

Keep your head up and start GAL.

[inmyplace]

Bill,

To be honest, as I read through your stuff, the problem with your wife isn't MLC, it is LC. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Quite franky, your W needs a lot of help. This is not a good situation for you or your son. You need to do a 180. She knows she has you wrapped around her little finder. She has no fear of losing you, so she really does't have to do a d@mn thing to help herself.

Now to you. What are you doing to protect yourself and your son? It seems to me that a woman on her third marriage (if I read things correctly) and has 5 children with 3 men is not a stable person, has had at least 2 affairs in the last 5 years and probably some before that (did you have an affair with her while she was married). And now she is getting a credit card to pay for a lawyer.

Seriously, Bill, all I can think is RUN AWAY and take your child.

IMP