Hello to everyone...First time that I have been here and could use some advice and support. A little background info: I am a 45 y.o. male, W, 43, been married nearly 3 years(our anniversary is 10/31- Yup! Halloween!) and we have been separated on and off for 6 months with the most recent being about a month ago. No papers have been filed although D has been mentioned by her a couple of times in the heat of verbal battles. We have no kids together, and she has a D, 24. This is the second marriage for both of us. My first lasted 8 years, no kids, hers, 1 year. I know: Not a good sign. W and I met at a reunion and fell in love FAST and we were married in a year. The last 10 months have been REALLY up and down and alot of the trouble centers around time together: I think she does not make enough time for me and she says I am too controlling and insecure. I do admit that I have those issues, yet not as bad as she accuses me of. I will post more info later, but for now, I could use some quick advice: Her birthday is this Saturday> Not sure whether to get her a card or not or just stay below the radar. I have read the DB book and I have not pursued her or done any begging or stuff like that. Too much pride. Feel free to ask me anything and would appreciate ALL input! Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Give her a card and flowers. IMHO it is the best bet because if she resents it then that is her issue but if she resents not getting something then that will be your issue! If you will not see her in person then have it sent to her. I do not think a bouquet and a card looks like pursuing if it is on one's birthday, only if it is after a fight.
Holidays is a difficult theme in Limbo Land, along with anniversaries and birthdays!
Take care and keep us posted ASAP.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Well, when we have been separated after a fight, I will usually go dark. It allows me to cool off and get my head together and the same for her. Usually after some time, I start getting texts usually saying I miss you, love you, etc. She has been complaining about wanting more space and when an argument erupts, she will play the D card saying she wants her freedom. Couple of weeks ago she sent a text saying how strong and confident that I USED to be. Can't disagree with that as I definitely HAVE lost confidence and admittedly have been laying guilt trips on her for lack of quality time, and uh, other things. When not together, and I rented an apartment 4 months ago, I leave her be. It has worked well in the past and then things go good again, then same arguments. Wash rinse. repeat.
A little more history: Now she has had a rough life: First H cheated on her, rough childhood, has always had money problems- most her own doing. On the other hand, I have been all over the world, have had alot of enjoyable experiences and although I won't die a millionaire, I live decently. I know that she has wanted to catch up on stuff that she has wanted to do and even commented that 'you have been there, done that". So part of the problem is that I have slowed down while she has been doing alot of different things. Pretty sure there is not AM, although anything is possible although right now I'm confident that there is not.
Thanks for the replies so far. Oh, I do have another question that I need some opinions on: when she threw the D word around, I told her that I will not stop her or refuse to do it although I did tell her that the only thing that I would do is fill in the papers and show up in court. I would not do the footwork or help out monetarily since she is the one that wanted/wants it. Anyway, I'm asking if this was the correct way of addressing the subject??
Before you were separated, did you tend to withdraw after a fight? Did she always have to aproach you first afterwards?
As far as D. If you do not want a D, then make that clear without begging her to reconsider. Make it clear that it is her choice and that you will respect her decisions. Try to do it in a loving non-hostile way. I know, easier said than done. It sounds like you handled it just fine. The ball is in her court if she chooses to go that route.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Our fights have been pretty nasty lately and yeah, I would withdraw to a point. More or less because I would feel down about the fight and would want to cool off. It wouldn't last long- a few days at most. I really don't hold extended grudges and I don't play head games either. An update to this is that her and I e-mailed back and forth today and it was civil. We both were honest in that the fights are mentally draining and they have gotten out of hand. No physical stuff at all btw- verbal stuff. No talk of D today although she believes its best that we do our own thing for now and see what happens in the future. So, its uh, DB time. I feel lousy, yet I'm not panicky or ready to jump off a building...yet LOL! We let our guards down and she did say that she hopes to run into her best friend (me)again and that she will miss me alot. She also said that we need to get our lives together and of course, that all too famous word- space, came up. This could be rough holiday season, but at the same time, I agree that at the very least we need to 'back down' for now. Please feel free to ask me anything else and also keep the advice coming. I have done some homework on this stuff, but I still could use all the help that I can get!
Oh! Forgot to add this: Her moods have been swinging wildly lately- Several weeks ago, it was "love you very much, only man for me" etc. Then, hostile a few weeks after that. She's turning 43 and she did mention that she wants to live her life. Read some other posts that sounded familiar to this, but forgot what the reasons or reasoning was. Like I've said, I've been no angel either- I had been putting alot of heat on her to free up more time and was growing very resentful which I did not make much effort to hide.
Could be hormones, could be regret, could be MLC and she is just lashing out at you. I did all those same things! Then I did think about the ramifications of divorce and realized I was actually anti divorce. She may not really want a divorce. She may just not see how else to change things in her life. That is why 180's as Neph mentioned are so crucial at this point.
I had an uncle win his wife back by becoming a dancer. yes, a real kansas city beef eater dancing to the latin beat. It totally worked!
I am not sure about the pursuing thing. If you always gave her space then doing it now is not really a 180. But it is you that wants more quality time. Maybe the best thing is to act liuke a beginner. Go back to the beginning when you first dated.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
