Kiki, thanks for showing up, old fool, myself and some of us old guys were wondering and hoping were well.
I'll write more in detail later but thanks for your kind support and the words of advice.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
I can't really add to anything they've said. I'd agree to proceed cautiously. She just got kicked hard and knows she can turn to you. Hopefully with this step you can rebuild your marriage. I'd also agree 100% with getting a counselor involved.
I know it hurts to think of her having sex with someone else. That pain, like all other pain, subsides with time until it gets to the point where you practically forget it ever happened.
Good luck.
Also, Kiki, glad to hear that you and H are still working on things. I think anyone who has been on here long enough knows that piecing things back together is extremely difficult.
Yeah I guess her apology and regret help to ease my immediate pain. She does seem genuinely sorry. Now I'm dealing with understanding how our sex life will change forever due to the consequences. So far what I've read it seems it's very easily transmitted so that's depressing. They say one out of five people in the US have the virus, most don't even know about it. That's a lot, I never would've imagined.
Well she keeps saying that she's committed to making things work, all she wants is her family back (things I used to say to her when she left) but in the end the ball is in my court and ultimately the decision is mine if I want her or not.
This is something I've been waiting for for almost two years but this incident has changed so much. She insists it was a one time incident only and she felt horrible immediately afterwards and the following days before she even found out that she'd contracted the virus. Which apparently the scum bag told her about a couple of days later via email.
She doesn't know why she did it. She says she's trying to figure that out and will let me know when she finds out.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
SR remember one thing, love is a choice that each of us makes every day. All during this process you made the choice to continue to love your wife and stand for your marriage. She unfortunately was lost in a fog and made a bad choice. Don't let all that you have stood for be ruined by a one time bad choice. We all have made bad choices and one thing that love truly represents is the ability to forgive for a bad choice.
As Gandhi said "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Another quote to remember from Mother Theresa, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive."
Good luck my friend!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Do you guys know where we can find a third party help with our situation? So far, the typical marriage counselors have done nothing but dig into our wounds of what happened in the past and then led us both towards divorce, I learnt this early on but now even she (surprisingly) said she's lost faith in the marriage counselors and every time she comes out of there she feels worse than before.
I was thinking of DB counseling right here but I don't know if they specialize in reconciliation type of counseling.
I'm open to suggestions, thanks.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
Yeah I guess her apology and regret help to ease my immediate pain. She does seem genuinely sorry. Now I'm dealing with understanding how our sex life will change forever due to the consequences. So far what I've read it seems it's very easily transmitted so that's depressing. They say one out of five people in the US have the virus, most don't even know about it. That's a lot, I never would've imagined.
Well she keeps saying that she's committed to making things work, all she wants is her family back (things I used to say to her when she left) but in the end the ball is in my court and ultimately the decision is mine if I want her or not.
This is something I've been waiting for for almost two years but this incident has changed so much. She insists it was a one time incident only and she felt horrible immediately afterwards and the following days before she even found out that she'd contracted the virus. Which apparently the scum bag told her about a couple of days later via email.
She doesn't know why she did it. She says she's trying to figure that out and will let me know when she finds out.
Romeo, I am going to try to not be negative, but I would be VERY CAREFUL. Look at your stich, until this happened to her, she was full steam ahead. I would ask this question; does she really want me, or is this her best option? I don't mean to hurt your feelings by saying this, but its funny to me that she is so open to reconsiling now that this has happened. I'm just trying to help you keep your guard up.
braveheart, thanks for the suggestion and you won't hurt my feelings, I appreciate all your guys feedback.
You're right, I've thought about this too but I realized that sometimes we all need that 2x4 hit on our heads to see things clearly. Maybe this event made her realize that the grass on the other side is no greener.
She still is not saying that I have to take her back. She says it would be nice and that's her wish but she would understand if I didn't. Really my options are to either tell her no which goes against everything I've done and wanted for almost two years or give this a try at the risk of her leaving again if she's not serious as well as other risks too now. It's a tough choice.
I guess my plan is to just go slow and see if she's making the right efforts. Actions speak louder than words. I've asked her to buy and read 'five love languages', 'light his fire' and an e-book I found about affairs and how to make it right for the partner that's suffering from what happened. So if I am her 1st priority as she says then she'd read the books, she'll appreciate me and over time with our actions towards each other we'll heal and reconcile. So far she's saying the right things lets see if she acts on them too.
Again, I feel we need to find some professional help.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
SR- i too have become very discouraged by marriage counselors. i did use the DB counselor 3 times (mine was jodi) and found it helpful. i believe it's worth a shot, and if you and your wife could counsel separately and together, your wife might find being honest with an annonymous person very comforting. i know i did.
when you are ready to see someone in person, i would highly recommend a Christian counselor, even if you are not a religious person. i've found that they are the only conselors that will truly work with your goal of helping save your marriage, and most will leave out the Biblical stuff if you ask them too.
SR, MWHGC, Old Fool, it's good to know you guys are still out there. i had to leave these boards alone for a while and GAL
First, a shout out to kikisum...good to hear from you. I'll pop over to your thread tomorrow.
SR...I'd lost you when you switched to a new thread. I've got so many threads I try to keep tabs on, I pretty much just rely on my watched list to let me know when there's something to check on (of course, when a thread goes dark, that doesn't work so well).
At any rate, let me just start by saying, "Holy cow!" I can't believe everything that has transpired in your sitch. Talk about a good news/bad news deal.
OK. So where do you go from here. Well, I agree with pretty much all the advice you've gotten. I think this would be a lousy time to abandon everything you've worked for up to now so I think you ought to hear her out. Take it easy, listen, and let her take the lead (that last one is important for both of you).
That having been said, you also need to be cautious. There's an old seaman's phrase that goes "Any port in a storm". The point is, no matter what can be otherwise said against it, you go for any safe harbor you can when things get tough. This may very well be the case with your WAW. Of course, it may also be that the Herpes 2x4 has knocked some sense into her (tough way to learn) and the ugly realities of the singles life have finally set in.
Trouble is, from where you're standing...and for the time being...you have no way to tell which it is. Thus, you're left in the awkward position of having to play both sides of the fence: Leave the door open in case it's one without leaving yourself completely exposed in case it's the other. I don't envy you. However, with care, patience, and gritty determination, I believe you can pull it off.
I think you are on the right track in expecting more than just words. Now is the time for action on her part and if she can't make even the smallest concrete steps toward you, then I think you need to be doubly cautious. The definition of manipulation is "exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage". Before you jump, make certain her statements are being consistently backed up by her actions.
As for the OM/PA, I am so very sorry for you. As others have stated here, this may or may not have been a "one-time" shot and I also suspect that it wasn't just last month. But if she's been lying for months (whether to herself, others, or both), it's gonna be hard for her to just cut to the cold...and very ugly...truth right out of the gate. As a result, you probably won't know the whole story for some time.
The betrayal of a PA, and the deceit that is part-and-parcel of it, are so painful and damaging. Trust is shattered (in the fullest sense of that word) and it seems like you'll never get beyond it. However, let me assure you that it is possible. Like everything else, it will take time (are you sick of hearing that yet?). Don't believe me? Well, consider this...
Just before my WAW left, I discovered a journal outlining the awful details of her three-month (at least according to what was documented) PA. This, of course, exposed all the lies she had told over the course of the A. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't eat for 72 hours and ate very little over the next couple weeks. I dropped 20+ pounds and was already thin to begin with so I quickly began looking like I had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.
Oh, and let's not forget about the mental images. I was afraid to close my eyes or go to sleep. Picturing them together in all the places described in the journal (including our house!) nearly drove me to madness. Perhaps the only thing that kept me from going over the edge was the fact that I simply couldn't figure out how to puke and run screaming from the building all at the same time.
However, as horrible as it all was, it has been 13 months since that fateful day and I can honestly say that it no longer haunts me. So, there is hope. In the meantime, however, you are just going to have to permit yourself to feel the pain and anger (it's OK, really). Personally, I let it all out while I was in the shower. I'd lather up and get lathered up...railing away at the horror of it all. You'll have to do what works for you. My point is that you can't avoid the feelings, so you need allow yourself to feel and release them in a constructive (perhaps non-damaging would be a better word) way/situation.
Of course, your case has the added twist of a permanent reminder of your W's infidelity. Sadly, this will always be a painful reminder (for both of you). The only silver lining is that you haven't been ML during the separation (as others like kiki did) so at least you won't have to directly pay for your WAW's egregious lack of good judgment. Yours is also a good example (a cautionary tale, as it were) of why continuing to ML during a separation when one party is clearly not committed to the R is so very, very dangerous.
It's way too early to call anything one way or the other (as kikisum quite properly points out). However, of all the things that have transpired in the last several months, this is perhaps the only one that can truly be said to have positive potential. Sure, it's a small victory...but it's still a victory. Don't break out the bubbly yet, but give yourself permission to be pleased...if only for a minute.
