opinions on "small separation"? Read and respond?

[stubborn]

Stubborn rises again! wow. Haven't been around for a few months and many new names. Sad,really sad, that so many people get stuck in this sitch.

Brief overview: Spouse began affair with OW about 18 months ago. (ick I HATE writing that)They "break up" about every 3 months and spouse has already told me they cannot have a "long term" relationship. (I know, it seems obvious, doesn't it?)I have worked my butt off and made clear that I will do all I can to bring us back from the edge. Spouse is finally seeing counselor again and trying to make a "decision".Spouse has problems with "sacrifice" due to bad childhood and therefore should never have to "give up" anything because has already suffered enough. (It's like greenstamps, when you fill up your book you're done and can buy a prize)


So, I'm looking for opinions on how to handle a small "trial separation". Spouse is going to "housesit" for SIL for a week in order to try to clear head. I asked if she intended to do w/o seeing OW as well. No. Hmmmmmm.....ok.

My questions:
1) what to tell D8? Anything beyond "she's housesitting"? Spouse was talking about D having a sleepover and I'm thinking she needs to do w/o daughter as well to see what it's like.

2) Anybody done small separations and how did they work for you? What did you do that was particularly effective? Make any mistakes? Advice please from others who have experienced it.

3) I'm thinking spouse needs a big dose of reality, ie: no me, no daughter. See what you could end up with...Opinions? Don't want to just alienate her but...hey, welcome to potential reality.

Please RSVP
Stubborn

[whatisis]

Stub, a week away for S might be a good thing but I wouldn't consider it a trial separation unless that is what she is contemplating here. Time to clear her head without you and OW around may be helpful. I would support her in doing so. As far as D8 why not just say "S is housesitting for a week for a friend", D doesn't need to know anything else.
I found your comments re S and sacrifice to be similar to my sitch. My W resents having to care for me because she got so little as a child! She hasn't figured out that the way to get more of what you need is to start giving it! Your S needs to figure that out to, that it's not all about her. It's not a lesson we can teach, sadly and, in my case, separation is basically the result.
Hang in there Stub, you've outlasted me and that's apparently quite a feat! I'll keep checking in on you.

[inspiredjulie]

Maybe I misread, whatisis, but I don't think stubborn's S is going to avoid contact w/ OW during this sabbatical. I think she's going to be playing house w/ OW. Am I right, stubborn?

Honey, I'm sorry you're still in this sitch. No one deserves to be treated like this. How are YOU doing? How's YOUR self-esteem? What are you doing for YOU? Do you remember how great you are and what wonderful attributes you bring to the table? Are you letting 'S w/ head up a$$' affect your confidence and hopes and dreams? Put yourself first. Do what you need to do. Set some boundaries. Your S does need to see what life is like w/o you. Does that mean she'll come home? Maybe not. But, you deserve to not be in this limboland forever. I'm sorry that hurts. But, enough is enough. Stand up for yourself. You're a wonderful, kind, smart woman who is putting up with more than anyone should ever be asked. I was there so I can understand and relate. But, honey, it's time. There are no 'mistakes' if you are acting from your heart.

So... tell D8 that S has been needing some time to herself and will be house-sitting. Let her know that she can talk to S every night if she wishes as S is not trying to get space from her.

She needs to live reality. And this is your chance to breathe again. TO live again w/o having to watch your words. To be able to let down your guard just a little bit. So enjoy that. You're doing great. But put yourself first. Love your girl. ANd breathe.

Julie

[RedHeadWife]

Would you have full custody? My first thought is maybe she should take D8 w/ her so that she would see the FULL reality of being a single mom.

[stubborn]

I don't think she'll be playing house but she won't be doing without her either. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

I try to look at this as a positive. I'm positive it's time for her to see what it's like. We actually had a "good" conversation about her possibly "not lasting the week". We'll see.

I have been doing OK on taking care of me...adequate, not great.I have put some boundaries down and made some points with spouse about what the future may hold. Again, we shall see. We all just had dinner at SIL and I got a hug when spouse arrived. But now I'm home and ain't nobody here but us DB'ers...no chicken$hit note, no nothing. I invited a friend over to visit. Wish I had a Julie Margarita to visit with!

[stubborn]

RHW - I'm the only "legal" parent so...confusing ain't it? As to letting her see what it's like "full time single" right now she'd probably take some liberties I disapprove of so I'll stay in charge for now.

[stubborn]

knowing how people react to being told what to do I'm bound to get feedback on this subject line...

Spouse just left with D8 for the first time to be gone all night w/o me...horrid feeling. It's night one of the "experiment" to see what it's like not to live at home. She made D give me a kiss and then embraced me as I tried to gag down my tears. ICK!!!

I will try to look at this as a good thing where spouse can see that she just might miss me...JFC life is insane. I'm going out with some friends tonight so will be distracted. Spouse had her own sleepover last night and for the first time I got no info ahead of time. She just left and was gone all night. gutless, that's how I like 'em! I hate that my family is possibly going to be ripped apart.

[LL44]

She just left and was gone all night. gutless, that's how I like 'em! I hate that my family is possibly going to be ripped apart.

I have had this happen. Its awful isn't it, waking up and realizing they haven't been home. Our worse, hearing the garage door at 4am, and being so ticked you can't go back to sleep. You used the word 'gutless', I use the word 'pathetic' when my H does this. Not to his face, but in my mind. lol

I hope your night went well but I know you will miss D8. Good job holding back your emotions. I am so sorry.

[stubborn]

I just hated the thought of watching D go off with spouse to some other location to spend the night. This shouldn't be happening. But it is and my job is to keep D safe and sane. I can't imagine spouse telling D "I'm not going to live at home any more"...the whole thing makes me sick and it may well happen and I may have to live with it.

pathetic is a good word, not to mention "thoughtless", "narcicisstic", "INFANTILE", "self-centered" and a myriad of others...gutless covers all of those for me! I was talking to a divorced friend last night about how interesting it is to find out how weak our spouses really are. All that bluster and so little real content...infantile...oh well...

I know it must suck to have your husband "foggy" but I'd sell my soul for the OW to be persona non grata...good luck to you, lwb!

[stubborn]

"Boundary Woman" bounds into action today! I was lying on the couch listening to the tap-tippy-tap of email chat between spouse and I assume OW. I went in and said "I have a request - please don't email her while I'm home" Spouse tried to play dumb and I finally said "I think you understand what I'm asking" and walked away...

I feel a ridiculous thread coming on where we all share our most unbeliveable spouse responses. Things like "what do you mean you feel strongly about me F-ing someone else?" I'll work up a good name for that thread since I'll have free time and access to the computer!