I have been noticing that a lot of WAS speak as if the things that they were doing were somehow beyond their control. Valeria's h spoke of 'wanting to be stopped'; divorce is spoken of as if it is the logical conclusion of what is happening - not anything they could influence.
My h said to s2 that he 'finds it peculair that they don't have a relationship' - not that he is sad about it.
It is if they cannot take responsibility at any level for what they are doing - and then this translates into blaming everyone else.
Has anyone else noticed this very odd linguistic usage? Am I right in thinking it is symptomatic of a disordered state of mind?
My Ex left with OW yet he continually told me how he never wanted a divorce and " our divorce will be very messy". NO matter how much I told him that what he was doing was extremely hard on the kids - he just kept saying "they'll bounce back, they'll be fine".
When ex moved back home for a week (3 months after he first left), I asked him to read "After the Affair". WHen he left again, the book was on the bed. He had highlighted ANYTHING he could find that supported HIS version of things. Stuff that didn't make sense without the follow up sentences - I doubt he read that far.
I could write volumes about the crazy things he has said and done. So yes, I think it is all about the crazy MLC mindset.
When I asked H if D is what he wanted, he said "it's what's happened to us".
Yeah, because of HIS actions! Took absolutlely no responsibilty.
When I said that reason for D would be adultery, H said "That's what it is" as if it was nothing to be ashamed of. Amazing.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
I'll have to agree, my W told me two weeks ago while she was crying to me over the phone that she was confused about "us" two days later when I asked her about that conversation it was almost like it never happen. She said that it was the old me that she talked to and couldn't love with. Door open then slammed shut.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
In the case of my xh, I think he abdicates responsiblity not just because of MLC, but because of the extreme passivity he has always displayed. So, things just happen to him, he does nothing to stop them, just goes along with things. Never his fault because never his "choice."
He just drifted into his first unhappy marriage, then he stayed in it due to passivity and admittedly, the responsibility for his children. We met after his first wife (God rest her soul) died aged 34. He certainly seemed to love me whole heartedly in the early years, but who knows? His two boys loved me though, and the life we had, and I'm proud of that.
The only time in his life he didn't just let things happen to him was just after he hit 40. Then he wanted out of all responsibility, including to his motherless boys. Thankfully, he didn't abdicate all responsibility to their welfare though.
I eventually left him, to save my own sanity, after OW1 dumped him and we had tried to reconcile. He was so conflicted and clearly still loved me so much, but could not fight off the urge to be free to find excitement. He found 0W2 and is still "dating" her, but not committed to her, almost 3 years on!
He has always kept in touch with me, can't quite let me go, says he would "hate to lose contact" with me, but alway "goes along with" the reductions in contact I suggest.
Still just letting life happen to him, just going with the flow. Still miserable - but none of it is his fault of course. I left him, after all.
He often says - in e mails, the only communication I allow these days - that he remembers so vividly all the good times we had, but has never done anything to retrieve them.
Passivity means never having to say you are sorry!
Jaybeex
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Wonderful post. This aspect of the MLCer has always frustrated me the most since my H was so wonderful at steering his life the right way before all of this.
He takes responsibility for nada.
He has no control regarding his spending, OW, what he says, etc..
It is almost like they are looking at themselves from above the clouds.
To me so much of this is them playing the victim. It is almost like they are so attention starved they will do anything even for the most negative attention. It is so odd to me that they throw away their integrity and character.
It is a self-sabotage which comes from an unbelievable low self-esteem. It is a "living suicide" so to speak.
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
Isn't that the truth! In fact the only real pre MLC hint that I had was a tendency to self destructive behaviour! It is now a self destructive streak 10 miles wide!
And did your exes also seem to have such high principles and be so very proud of them?
Are there other common factors in all of this? Passivity, high principles, low self esteem (cos xh had that too) and what else?
The common denominators. Bring 'em on!
Jaybeexx
PS I had forgotten the pleasures of posting here. I used to be such a regular poster, then it comes to seem time to move on. But sometimes a thread just calls out for a post or two when you think you are just lurking!
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Oh, yes, high principles. In fact that is one of the issues with his kids - he brought them up to have high principles, and they are now measuring him against them. He used to despise moral relativism . . .
