Need a pep talk

[BryanS]

I'm flying to TX to have dinner with my W tomorrow (wednesday). A little bit nuts but it's not something I would normally do so I thought it would be a good surprise. I told W about it last week and it seemed to be good but in the past couple of days, it feels like she's been pulling back emotionally from me, farther than normal. My friend thinks it's because she (W) is scared that I'm going to pressure her for some answer on the marriage so W is gearing up to shoot me down. Puttin space between us so it's easier for her to do because I know W still has feelings for me but she doesn't want to lose her resolve for the D because it still seems like the only option in her mind.

I'm nervous as hell about this. I know what I need to do, I know I need to just take her to dinner have a good time and not talk about the R. I've been over it a hundred times in the past weeks, I'm just worried that when push comes to shove, I'm going to make a mistake like I always seem to. I'll say something I shouldn't or lose my cool and come off needy or something. I know I can do this, but I've put my foot in my mouth twice in the past week so that's eroded my confidence a little.

[Lissie2414]

Just keep breating and let her lead the conversation. That is what I am going to do from now on and if there is silence let there be silence. It is better to have nothing said then to say something to make it bad. That is what I am figuring. You can do this I have faith in you. I can not wait to read how it went. I am sure it will go great.

I have the same problem I can not just let it all go and not say anything. This was disasterours for me this past weekend so I am going to just keep remembering the bad I did and how it set me back so I do not do it again. I am seeing a MC today so hopefully she can help me with this.

Good luck on your dinner date. I will be thinking of you and remember you can do this

[Nugget]

Bryan, it will be hard to do, but you have got to turn off the husband relationship brain and make sure you are not it that mode. Think friend. Keep it a conversation amongst friends. As mentioned by Lissie let her lead the conversation.

[Nugget]

Bryan, it will be hard to do, but you have got to turn off the husband relationship brain and make sure you are not it that mode. Think friends. Go have fun night out with your friend. Keep it a conversation amongst friends. As mentioned by Lissie let her lead the conversation.

[BryanS]

Thanks guys, I do appreciate it. I was talking to my mom the other night about my anxiety over the coming visit and she said something that I thought related to my sitch and most peoples sitch who are here. She said "You've got nothing to lose" and it's true. If I do nothing, I'll lose my W. If I keep doing what I was doing I'll lose my W. So, trying something different, even if it doesn't come off as seemlessly as I would like, is still a winning move because I've got nothing else.

I think I saw you mention the friend idea before in another thread, Nugget. Seemed like pretty sound advice so that's how I was planning on approaching it.

[Lissie2414]

Hi Bryan
Being a friend is important as Nugget says. I think that is great advice and I am going to use it myself. He is my best friend and I have to remember that. Maybe if we can keep that thread open the rest will follow.

Your Mom is a very smart woman. She is correct what more do we have to lose we have already lost them so trying something different can only make it better. Very good advice.

[BryanS]

Just got a late call from the W. She called to see what time my plane gets there and would I want to meet for lunch? I said sounded good. That sounds very positive to me, she sounded genuinely excited about it. I didn't ask about the dinner plans as the thought did cross my mind that she's using lunch to get out of dinner but I'm going to press on like it's still a done deal. After lunch, ask her what time she'd want to go to dinner. I think she might be pre-screening me with lunch, trying to get a read on how I'm going to be. I think she'll be ready for needy Bryan, but not friendly Bryan. Thanks everyone for the good advice.

[Nugget]

Stay the course brother and be strong, for you and for her. Leave that needy guy at home he is not invited on this trip. Be the strong, confident guy she feel in love with.

Best wishes.

[BryanS]

Well, Thursday night and things have gone well. Dinner Wednesday went very well, no talk about M until she initiated something riding back to the house. I answered her question and cut it off. Watched a movie at her house and ended up staying over (nothing intimate). This morning she called and said she enjoyed having me there in the morning and we made plans again for dinner tonight. Dinner went well although she was a little distant, distracted from work she said. I think she felt a little remorse/confusion after asking me to stay over last night. I think she talked to her friends (they want her out of M) and they changed her mind. Said she had to go back to work tonight so I said goodnight and went back to my hotel room. When she came to give me a hug goodbye, she looked up like she was going to kiss me but then turned away. Said something about being confused. I took this to be yet another good sign, at least she's thinking about it, but left it at that and said I'd see her later.

So, overall I think it's going very well, better than I had hoped in some respects. I've made a couple of mistakes, maybe pushed a little when I shouldn't have, but as a whole, I'm happy with how I've handled this. Without Michele and you guys, I wouldn't have stood a chance to save this marriage. By focusing on saving myself and my dignity, I may be doing just that. Thanks for everything.

[Nugget]

BryanS glad things are going well for you. Things are going well. Stay the course man. No R talk on your part, just be her friend.