I've become 'semi-comfortably numb'

[Kim07]

Well folks, haven't posted in quite awhile!

I've been very busy trying to GAL and live it up,,some of which I did during the Denver DB event! Have to say GALing in person w/others on this board, is exciting, fun & 'eye-opening' to say the least! We definately need more of these events everywhere around the world to help others see that they are indeed NOT ALONE!!

To ALL my fellow DB'ers on this board in lands around the world:

Altho we all speak different languages, live by different laws in different cultures,,this 'human nature' is universal & IMHO inevitable! There is only one universal language we speak in- mathmatics,,BUT WHEN IT COMES TO 'FEELINGS' OUR HEARTS WILL ALWAYS BEAT THE SAME, BREAK THE SAME AND HEAL THE SAME!

My sitch,,I am getting thru this grieving process as best I can. I figure I am in the 'anger' portion of it now sometimes crying by myself late at night only to realize it will all be over soon! The next & last stage will be 'acceptance' and I already want to be there. Sadly I have to say, that with time this gets easier and easier, less painful. There are moments; an old song, a smell, a taste, memory of a happy place, happy events documented in a picture or video when we were a family all tend to sneak up on us every now and then,,thats' when I get tearful for a bit but that too slowly slides away.

I want so much for all this to be over so we can go on with our own lives. My children are suffering more, IMO, from parents who realize they had made a terrible mistake and can't get past it rather than dealing w/it civilly, learning from it and moving on.

Like my H has said to me on numerous occasions,,"Everyone deals with loss differently.",,this is the response I have gotten all along when I had inquired why it was so easy for him to get thru this difficult time w/o as much as shedding one tear and being able to get over it so quickly w/a smile on his face. I do believe that now I have realized that i'm the type of person to cry, moan & complain about the demise of the current sitch for awhile then move on, thats' me & thats' o.k.,,,,all people are different & from what i've learned on the boards & from the books I have read, 'opposites attract'. Meaning, we will seek for what we do not have or possess to feel whole.

One of the interesting things my C said the other day during our session,,"After knowing who he was & what he was about in the beginning, before you married him, did you honestly think that things would of worked out?" I can now honestly say,,,no,,,I realize now that for the last 19yrs I have put myself in the position to be the 'enabler' and the 'fixer'. That if I just tried a little harder at being prettier, smarter, sexier, happier, richer, mommier, housemaidier, chefier I could fix what ever was wrong with my H and our M. If I would of just instead been myself & not ignore or make excuses for his 'true colors' I would of:

A.)Never M'd him in the 1st place.
or
B.)Would've set my boundries long, long time ago & preserved my self-esteem.

Hind sight is always 20/20 right? Well, I think it is but for some of us, we chose to look thru 'rose-tinted' glasses back then to which our view was somewhat altered & askewed, ignoring the risks of giving the most precious traits a human can bestow upon another,,,LOVE & TRUST. Sometimes its' a gamble, a risk worth taking. In my sitch I did just that, took a risk then crashed & burned. I wanted my children to see me get up, brush myself off and try again,,for they will live by my example and I, under no uncertain terms, wanted to teach them how to 'quit'!
They know how hard I have tried and that it is time to 'let go',,that I cannot control this sitch, therefore will muddle thru the best I can & w/the utmost respect towards all involved.

I hope you all have a productive & prosperous week!

Kim

[mkultra]

Thank you for the words of encouragement, especially about showing our kids how we get back up and try again!

[mkultra]

I love Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb song. Can I marry David Gilmore after I am single?

[Kim07]

mkultra,

Heck, I don't see why not,,altho w/him he may still be going thru a MLC, he he. Thanks for the kind words

What was that song actually about? My thought,,drugs. Boy, those were the days, in a lot of ways don't miss em much.

Kim

[Dr.mom]

I'm right there with you. You posted some really good stuff.

With counseling, I am able to look back. H's behavior patterns were always there. I just chose to overlook them. He never changed. Should not have married THAT. But hey, we are all young, and at least in my case, I thought, "Well, he'll grow up, he'll learn about relationships".

I went through the same thing. Tried everything I could, to be perfect, to make a wonderful life as a wonderful wife. Lost myself in the process. Still working with the self-esteem issues. That one is gonna take a while . . . . .

Should have set those boundaries a long time ago too.

No longer Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" but trying on
"Shine on You Crazy Diamond" now . . . .

[Kim07]

ponygirl~~Whew,,glad i'm not the only one is how I feel sometimes but thats' getting better as I realize that I had isolated myself for too long. Couldn't see the forest for the trees type stuff.

Its' amazing how many ephiphanys' one can have in a matter of weeks even days. My latest struggle w/my C is to figure out how to NOT pick alcoholics as mates, this is the 3rd.

Neither one of my parents are alcholics or were even close so dunno,,will have to ponder that one for some time,,on the other hand, IC also said the other day, "But Kim thats' how most people meet & get involved, when they're drinking." And "Everyone drinks." I said but BF#2 died 6yrs ago@age 36 from cirrhosis of the liver, doesn't that account for anything when trying to determine what & who i'm attracted to?!" IC said, 'no'.
I DO NOT agree,,and I certainly don't think that EVERYONE drinks, do you?

Self-esteem issues, yeah I hear ya there,,I think I will be dealing w/that the rest of my life,,at least we're working on it! It'll come slowly but surely we just have to learn to be patient,,i'm a Taurus, I should know what that means!

It sucks being the 'fixer' doesn't it? But you live and you learn and life will go on,,or so i've heard, he he.

I loved, The Wall, Pink Floyd,,introspective at times and very manipulative of young minds at others.

My personal favorite at this moment in time;
'Its' my Life' by Talk Talk,,great lyrics

Cheers, Kim

[mkultra]

I love the Talk Talk version too. So much better than the No Doubt version. Is Gwen deaf, why did she even try?
My favorite lyrics right now are The Man Who Sold the World by David Bowie, but I listen to the Nirvana Unplugged version. I don't know what it means, but I like the guitar and I think it means someone has sold their soul quite selfishly and realizes it too late.

[forever21]

Hi Kim!

You are sounding really good! It's great to see. I think you're doing a wonderful job at moving forward. Keep it up. Hope you're having a great week yourself!

[Kim07]

Hey Guys!

mkultra~Sounds like that song is very appropriate for a lot of us here, lol!

Forever21~Thanks! I'm trying, really I am but it is so hard to not blow up on the phone in front of your kids!

I got a note at my door that since i'm behind on my gas payment they shut it off,,just not the electricity~long story. Then I go to my L's office & she will not be ready for me until mid-Oct.! Meanwhile, STBXH is now insisting we do mediation~thru his L, which is fine w/me as long as I get what I discussed w/my L (doubtful) then today I asked STBXH who his L was, he says its' none of my business & that we will be forced to go to mediation(which I knew already) 1st so it can be resolved there before it goes to court(all stuff I told him before),,,the new twist to the saga,,I think he is trying to have me served but i'm being elusive so I can get my ducks in a row since L cannot do anything til mid OCT! Knocks at the door, phone calls from pay phones, strange cars circling my house, etc. When it doesn't happen he TM's me back something angry & says, do this, do that or hmmm,,,H: I thought you said you were home,,ME: well the last time I asked if you were home you said it was none of my business so,,,,DITTO!

I'm so glad hes' gone to Vegas for 5 days, altho my boys are acting up probably b/c our lives are a mess,,we're so stressed! I think we need another appt. w/their counselor!

Don't know how much more I can stand of this! 1st hes' nice then hes' mean,,back & forth!

Oh, and did I mention that hes' being an A$$ to me about EVERYTHING re: the kids & money?! I asked H last night about S13's school pics day(today), ME: Are we gonna split it later(pics&$) like we did last yr & just order the big pkg for both kids tomorrow?,,H: No, I'll get my own order form for both, then we can order whatever the hell we want! ME: Okayyee? Have a nice night! I know, I know this too shall pass,,just not soon enough!

Girls,,,I'm trying to remember the part that Goldie Hawn plays in the movie "First Wives Club", where she is so nice to her ex when he calls her after losing the Lambourghini! Happy place, happy place, happy place.....

Not on the 'country fair' rollercoaster anymore,,,I'm on the 'Kennywood' Steel Phantom now!!

Kim

[mkultra]

First Wives Club! Doesn't Bette go back with her guy?

Don't ask H about kids' pics. Make all those decisions on your own. You will need to be a lot more independent now. He will see all those previously normal honey dos as neediness. Yes, he will be hot and cold and it will seem out of the blue, apathetic, cruel, cold, then you will get a glimmer or ray of what it use to be like. Just keep pushing through the fog and know that deep down in his core is your old H and he is not completely lost. His self esteem is so low he is not choosing to show you respect because he does not respect himself. Does this make sense? He will blame you for making him feel like crap because he is treating you like crap. Oddest rationale ever but it is a MLC. Is there a pill for this terrible crisis?