Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

I'm doing much better today. I called H's C. To set the context, I found this C for him. I had the initial conversation with her, and at her suggestion attended his first session with him. She has also suggested that I keep up periodic contact with her.

So, this week I was struggling so much with what to do, how to move forward, meds, no meds, etc... So, I went to see her. I am at least clear on what my next steps are.

She asked me about H's family and said she didn't get a good sense from him. So, I told her. She wasn't surprised that H didn't have emotionally available parents. She basically said everything I've been thinking... that H didn't have any guidance growing up, that he didn't have enough limits growing up, that he learned at a young age to bury pain and not feel things.

Here's an interesting point... I told her how H was when we met... caring, sensitive, thoughful, very in love with me, etc... she was at first surprised. But then she said that what happens is that in someone like this, when they meet someone and fall in love, it brings a lot of those emotions to the surface... those feeling. But after a while, the R is not enough. She said that he needs to find it within himself.

She said that he's a self soother. He gets uncomfortable with any pain or thoughts that might hurt, so he finds ways to sooth it away. She siad he's like a child who is acting out.

She warned me that this is a long road. She does feel he's being honest with her. She said that she will continue to impress upon him that if he doesn't fix this, he WILL lose me. She wants to make sure he gets the consequence.

As for my role, she said that I need to start holding him accountable for things without being a mother. She said when he's not engaged with the family, I need to make sure he gets engaged. I need to make sure he's pulling his weight. Basically, h needs to learn how to grow up. And if he can't grow up, he'll lose his family.

She told me that if I don't see significant improvements in him in 6 months, then I need to seriously consider getting out. But in the meantime, to let it go so I'm not constantly swaying back and forth on what to do.

As for the meds, this was interesting. First she said that Depakote actually subdues people. So, that's not what I want to see in H. She said that in bi-polar, people get manic out of nowhere. With H, he does these things to self sooth. It doesn't come out of nowhere. Therefore she doesn't believe he does them out of mania, but more out of pain avoidance. She doesn't want him to be on any meds right now, becuase she wants to get at his true emotions. She doesn't want anythign supressed by medication. Then down the line, she will think about what she'd recommend. But frankly, she sees him on an AD rather than a bi-polar med. Wow, this stuff is very tricky.

Frankly, there's not one thing she said about what she's observed in H that I disagreed with. She hit the nail on the head to a tee. So, I feel like I'm just going to follow her direction. That will keep me from spinning so much between the psych, my therapist, her, etc... When it comes to H, I am putting her in control of his mental health. And I am goign to do my part in holding him accountable for being a grown up.

She did suggest that H sign a release for the psych to call her to discuss.

She said that what I've overcome and how I faced my anxiety when H left is amazing. She said that it's really something to be proud of and that I've clearly flourished. It was so nice to hear that. It reminded me that this whole thing was a necessary part of my journey to get to a more stable place in my own life.

So, she thinsk that H does not want to lose me and the kids. But is he willing to do the hard work that is necessary to get through this? That is the question.

Now that I have a direction... a path... I am feeling more clear. I am taking some of this burden off of me and putting it onto her. She is the professional. And now that I am thinking more clearly, I can detach and focus more on me.

Thanks for all your support over the past few days. It helped me to know that so many people care.

[princess_nic]

PS,

I'm happy to hear about this talk.

She told me that if I don't see significant improvements in him in 6 months, then I need to seriously consider getting out. But in the meantime, to let it go so I'm not constantly swaying back and forth on what to do.

Now that I have a direction... a path... I am feeling more clear. I am taking some of this burden off of me and putting it onto her. She is the professional. And now that I am thinking more clearly, I can detach and focus more on me.

This is very valuable information, and it sounds like it will be helpful to you. I'm glad you've found such a good C.

Love,
Nicola

[always_14]

PS - I am so glad you're feeling better and had a good interaction with the C.

Let everything simmer for a few days, and let it be, as your C advised.

Now, take some rest and enjoy the kiddies!

[peaceful_spirit]

Nicola and Always,
I do feel more at peace today. I had a nice evening with the kids and now i'm tucked into bed watching "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton and Mandi Moore. Tomorrow, my parents are picking up my kids from school and I'm getting a mani pedi.

Thanks for checking in on me, girlies!

[peaceful_spirit]

I had a few epiphanies today. Well, one in particular... I was asking myself why when I feel like I've gotten so strong do I continue to hit these moments of such weakness. So, it came to me... to become strong, we have to allow ourselves to be weak.

I was thinking about why I have become a stronger person. And it's because I've lived through such pain and I've hit those moments of such weakness. And it's in those moments of weakness that I reach out for help - to family, to friends, to a C, to God... and it's when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel that pain and to be so weak that we don't know where to go next, that's when we ultimately move to the next level. That's ultimately how we move to a new, more profound place in our lives.

Look at our spouses... they are running so hard and fast from feeling anything but pleasure that they are going backwards in their lives. They are throwing away everything that means anything. They are making really poor decisions. And it's all becuase they don't want to face pain.

In order to be strong, you must go through moments of weakness
In order to feel true joy, you must feel pain

This stuff sucks. But I am better for it.

[inmyplace]

peaceful,

It was a little funny reading this. I was that thoughtful, caring, loving guy. I was one charming son of a gun when I met my wife. Then I reverted to my old habits. I was different in that my parents did nothing but set limits on me. And in effect, I did the same things, bury pain and not feeling things. My soothing technique was to smoke dope 24/7. But believe me, getting dumped after 15 years of marriage, made me feel.

When my counselor brought up meds, I said it probably would be a good thing to do without. He said...yes, you have a point.

Good luck.

IMP

[MissH]

PS, that was a beautiful post! It's so true! ((((hugs))))

[Lissie]

In order to be strong, you must go through moments of weakness
In order to feel true joy, you must feel pain

This stuff sucks. But I am better for it.

This is the PS I have grown to luv.

That no matter what brings you down, you ALWYAS climb up.

Thank you for showing me this.

[kikifree]

Look at our spouses... they are running so hard and fast from feeling anything but pleasure that they are going backwards in their lives. They are throwing away everything that means anything. They are making really poor decisions. And it's all becuase they don't want to face pain.

In order to be strong, you must go through moments of weakness
In order to feel true joy, you must feel pain

This stuff sucks. But I am better for it.

That is very true!

[peaceful_spirit]

Thank you all for your kind words.

IMP, the thing about my H is that he had lots of rules and restrictions put on his by his mom. I just don't think she had any clue how to enforce them when she wasn't looking. Not sure if I mentioned it above, but his brother left to live with his dad at the age of 13 because of too many rules. So my MIL became scared that H would do the same thing. So, I think she started looking the other way. There was no accountability.

I think rules are meaningless unless one understand why they are being placed on someone.

Anyway, I am feeling better. Although, I've done some more bad DBing, but I don't care. H has been withdrawn again. He got home from his biz trip and on the surface, things seem find. But I know they're not. he's not "happy". He's just there. So, I had another chat with him. I did all the talking. Basically, I said that I am tired of him treating me so indifferently, tired of him not thinking one iota of my needs, tired of us both putting his needs firs, tired of him shutting me out. I asked him how he felt about the things I said... he got up, put clothes on and said, "i'm done talking about this". I found this funny since he didn't say a word.

Then I said to him that I was only communicating how I was feeling and that I wished he would do teh same. Still nothing.

So, we're whatever right now. But I'm feeling whole. I feel okay. I'm working on me. I'm just wanting this whole thing to be overwith. I am losing those feelings of love for him. Does that sound awful? I just can't stand to even be in his presence when he's like this.

And the gambling is not getting any better, that's for sure.

He's on his way home from his C now. So, I will ask him if he wnats to share. If not, then so be it.

I deserve better.

The good news is that I really do feel whole. I do feel good. Except for all this M crap, I feel good about me and my life. I like my home, I love my kids, I have good friends and great family, I kind of like me as well.

I'm so tired of not being treated like the gold that I am (not to sound high on myself or anything).