Are you saying that when my wife does or does not do something that makes me upset, that I should basically block out any emotions
No. You don't block them. You are going to feel them. For example... JUST AN EXAMPLE
Let's say you initiate sex. Your wife says no.
Let's say, for discussion sake, that your first emotional response to that is hurt. And just for discussion sake, let's say when this particular cycle happens, your hurt prompts you to become angry. And when you feel angry, you might yell, you might get sarcastic, you might leave the room. You have all kinds of choices, right?
And this is where you have to really pay attention to what is going on inside of you, and in what order.
No one likes to feel hurt. However, at this juncture, if you actually stop and 'feel the feeling,' decide where it is located in your body, focus it on it, concentrate on it, and the LET IT GO... you've stopped the progression and escalation of the emotion into anger. So... you are not stopping yourself from feeling... you are not detaching from your emotions... you are monitoring them very closely, actually... and you are managing them. Instead of them managing you.
See, while sitting in her C.U. chair, you getting angry is what your wife is banking on, because if you get angry, now it's all YOUR fault... at least in her mind (you are angry at her, she must protect herself).
Can you see how becoming better and better at this would be an a huge advantage for you... with her? Most especially?
I think another way to look at it is that when you are letting yourself be controlled by your emotions you can't be empathetic to somebody else. It's just like when you are thinking about what you are going to say next in a conversation you don't listen as well. One exercise to be a better listener is to repeat what the person who is talking to you just said back to yourself silently. You can kind of do the same thing with emotional reactions. Instead of a knee jerk reaction based on your expectations of what might occur you can observe or be curious about what actually does occur or get communicated and then have a more thoughtful response. You are more "detached" when you are up in your own head or your own emotional state then when you are actually more actively experiencing what the other person is conveying. Your knee jerk reaction might be "I'm hurt" but your more connected response might be to think "She seems anxious."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Let's say, for discussion sake, that your first emotional response to that is hurt. And just for discussion sake, let's say when this particular cycle happens, your hurt prompts you to become angry. And when you feel angry, you might yell, you might get sarcastic, you might leave the room. You have all kinds of choices, right?
And this is where you have to really pay attention to what is going on inside of you, and in what order.
No one likes to feel hurt. However, at this juncture, if you actually stop and 'feel the feeling,' decide where it is located in your body, focus it on it, concentrate on it, and the LET IT GO... you've stopped the progression and escalation of the emotion into anger. So... you are not stopping yourself from feeling... you are not detaching from your emotions... you are monitoring them very closely, actually... and you are managing them. Instead of them managing you.
I didn't see what you were driving at before, but this makes *perfect* sense to me. It sounds like freedom ... not freedom from emotions, but from being a slave to them.
Also, freedom from how you think you "should" feel or react --"She turned me down AGAIN! I have a RIGHT to be angry!" You may have a right to be angry, but maybe you don't *have* to be angry ... and wouldn't that be better?
I think it's kind of like what I try to do (when I remember) with pain or itching or cold or some other unwelcome physical sensation. "Hmmmmmmmmmmm. That hurts. It is a sensation, it's a distinct throbbing ache in my temples. I can't really do anything about it, so I'll just accept the experience until it passes." Does it still hurt like hell? Yes. But somehow refusing the script that says, "oh my god oh my god make it stop now!!! it's so unfair, I can't take advil or my stomach will kill me, WHY does this have to happen today I'm SO FRUSTRATED and I'm going to kill the next person who makes a sound!" brings a certain tranquility and relief all on its own.
Could I do it through a migraine? doubtful. But then again, these are learned behaviors, so you never know ...
It's not always the right choice ... who would advocate trying to do pain control only through a rotting tooth as opposed to going to the dentist and getting it taken care of?
But for the stuff we can't control, like everything our spouse says and everything they do ... developing the skills to manage our emotions instead of being managed by them sounds like deliverance. Much easier in theory than practice, of course, but how nice to have the theory.
Thanks for articulating this so well, Corri.
Hey, question .... does the "concentrating on exactly where you feel the emotion" part serve mostly as a stopsign, to make you really halt the progression and focus on the original emotion?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Oh hey anger what are you doing here? I totally didn't know you would show up oh and I see you brought shame and self doubt nice of you to show up as well. I'm just talking to confidence and pride, man are they ever full of them selves and just won't shut up. Anyway guys make your selves comfortable it looks like there's lots of room and I would just ask that you could keep it down because I just put the inner child down for a nap and he gets kind of cranky if he gets woken up.
See, while sitting in her C.U. chair, you getting angry is what your wife is banking on, because if you get angry, now it's all YOUR fault... at least in her mind (you are angry at her, she must protect herself).
Can you see how becoming better and better at this would be an a huge advantage for you... with her? Most especially?
OK, now that you've pulled in the bigger picture I see where you're gong with this. I sometimes refer to this as disarming your opponent, making changes the other person wants so there is nothing more s/he can complain about. Then the focus rest squarely on him/her. What you propose is along the same lines, except rather than making specific changes, you take away that person's excuse to deflect the argument back on to you.
I have done some of this at times, and it does help. But I see this as a means for delivering a message without all the distractions and deflections that always arise. It is a more effective delivery system. My problem in the past was trying to understand exactly what message needed to be delivered. That meant knowing what was my crap and what was hers, learning to spot a deflection when I saw it. These issues are beginning to come into better focus for me lately, so I can turn some attention to the delivery method.
That's because I don't do it to be mean or to retaliate (most of the time). If I DO do it to be mean or to retaliate, it's either because I've mismanaged my own emotions or my own intent. And in my imperfection, well... it happens, and I show my azz.
If I do it on purpose (which I have), it's usually because I have picked up on something, and I start poking and prodding to verify what it is I **think** I'm reading.
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and most of us need that pointed boot in the ass anyways to help wake us up and get us on the right track.
Hm. I'm going to save that one to show you if I ever piss you off.
OK, now that you've pulled in the bigger picture I see where you're gong with this. I sometimes refer to this as disarming your opponent, making changes the other person wants so there is nothing more s/he can complain about. Then the focus rest squarely on him/her. What you propose is along the same lines, except rather than making specific changes, you take away that person's excuse to deflect the argument back on to you.
Well... you are getting the concept better, at least, but no, you don't manage your emotions to give yourself a tactical advantage (although, you can). If you are managing your emotions to gain tactical advantage, you are doing so with the intent to manipulate (either the person or the situation). And that isn't good, bad, or otherwise, so long as you are very clear on your own intent (this is where you could enter into the realm of being a very evil person).
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My problem in the past was trying to understand exactly what message needed to be delivered. That meant knowing what was my crap and what was hers, learning to spot a deflection when I saw it. These issues are beginning to come into better focus for me lately, so I can turn some attention to the delivery method.
Uhm. Okay. I kind of get that. Seriously, if you get the chance... take a look at that link I posted. It's really worth the read, and it's pretty quick.
