OK, so my story is on another thread, I won't waste space here retelling it. I do have a question about phone calls. I have tried to back off but still find myself speaking/e-mailing W almost daily, mostly about dissolution paperwork or selling the house. It occured to me after reading multiple threads here for the better part of the afternoon that I always answer the phone when she calls, that I always respond immediately to her e-mail.
Tonight she called and I wasn't feeling great (allergies) so I didn't answer. Truthfully, another part of the reason I didn't answer is that I don't want to feel like I'm always waiting on her to contact me; don't want to give her that impression. I know she wanted to talk about the house because we had some folks look at it this afternoon but I had sent her an e-mail earlier on detailing what happened and what I thought. Figured I could talk to her tomorrow. About 20 mins ago, she called again and I decided to answer it. First thing she said is "I thought you were avoiding me" somewhat accusatory. I told her I wasn't feeling well and that I was planning on talking to her tomorrow. She responded, sounding kind of hurt, and said "You couldn't call me?" and then "Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow" and hung up as I was saying goodnight.
So my question is, what's everyones guidelines about contact? I think it's good that she still wants to talk but I don't think it's good that she assumes I'm waiting on her all the time. Literally, there was a 3 hour window between the first and second calls (didn't leave a message the first time around either) during which she concluded that I was avoiding her.
This is part of my 180. I would normally jump at the chance to talk to her but I'm trying not to. Am I just pissing her off? Or is this a healthy thing to try. I still want to keep communication open, I just don't want to be looked at as always there because I have nothing better to do. Do I apologize or just maintain that I didn't feel like talking about it and felt I had already covered the subject in an e-mail she never responded to? I'm confused. Thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Hi BryanS, It certainly wont hurt her to stew a bit will it? I think that you did well, like you say, you don't want her thinking that you are at her beck and call all the time. You have your own life to lead and she needs to start appreciating that. If she gets pissed off about it well tough. That's her problem and you unsettled her. A bit of mystery never hurt anybody really did it? She may just realise that she can't always control the situation. I say keep it up and good on ya. Laurel.
Appreciate the feedback. I got an e-mail reply to the one I sent about the house last night. Pretty upbeat. But I know her, I know what I heard from her last night and I know it hit a nerve in some way, good or bad.
She also threw in something about tonight being crazy because she's throwing yet another pool party. This has always been a jealous point for me because many of her guy friends do not respect our marriage, as strained as it is, like I think they should. Throw bathing suits, beer, water, and low scrupples together and it makes me nervous. My W recently (past 8 months) lost 20 lbs. I never thought she needed to but she feels a lot better about it and has started wearing bikinis as a result. So, when she mentioned this in the e-mail, I replied with "Have a great time, show off that new body". It's something I would have never said to her before and it was hard to do but I'm hoping she'll notice because it's so far out of line with what I would normally say.
Still would love to hear feedback from anyone still communicating with their S and how they handle it.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
You are doing great setting this as a goal. May I suggest something a bit technical that has helped me not check my messages every hour or wait for contact? I let my message box get full. Anyone who calls will hear a message saying mailbox is full. I can call back people from caller ID until he gets the hint. Now I don't worry if it is H. Second, I added his number to the reject list on the cell phone. My mobile will never ring aloud if it is his number on caller ID. It will go straight to voicemail. I will only check the cell three to four times if at all. If he does call, I let D6 answer until he has something to say to me. Otherwise I text him any info on the kids from a free computer widget so he cannot text back. It has made my life so much better!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I am also in the Going Dark, but heading towards the LTR.
What helped me 6 months ago was the following: Answer every third phone call. Or let them all go to voice mail. Respond to emails 24 hours after they were received. Agree to 2 out of 3 meetings.
This did seem to drive me nuts. It was SO hard to do. But it felt good, like I was getting back some control. I would fell empowered that he had emailed me, but I would have to restrain myself from responding back immediately.
When I did talk, or more commonly email, I would try to flirt. If you are not on it already, try instant messaging. Much better mode to flirt in, more immediate.
I have purposefully Gone Dark and do not initial contact anymore. The few emails I got last month from WAH always had a line thrown in that was flirty, or some inside joke only we knew. I do not know if this is a good sign or not.
I know right now you are jumping at every contact you have with her. Stop. It will help. I remember the feeling well.
You need to draw THEM out, have them seek you out. However, only you know to what extent to do this. IF you wife starts getting hysterical, or really mad, or freaking out, you have to back-step a little. Tone it down to what works for you guys. Remember, the 180 can be tweaked. Push the envelope as far as it can go.
Last edited by ponygirl; 08/26/0712:05 AM.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
Thanks for the advice. Have a small update. Talked to W again today abotu the house and she started asking about what I had planned for the rest of the day. I gave some vauge answers and then basically got off the phone on what I thought was a pleasant note.
Came home late (played cards at friends house) and got an e-mail from W saying that it's great that I'm seeing her side of the past arguments but that she has doubts about what would happen in the next fight. She stated that she believes I can change but that it won't happen over night and she's not willing to wait for the possibility that I keep up with it.
Two observations: indication of looking towards the next fight as if the idea of us being together is being entertained. And the statement that she now thinks I can change but that it will take longer than she is willing to wait. I took those both as positives even though I'm sure she meant them negatively. Thoughts on this?
Second para in the e-mail went on to say that she won't be talking to me as much anymore. Said that sometimes I sound really happy to hear from her and sometimes I sound annoyed and can't wait to get off the phone. This is the 180 I started just a day or two ago. I stopped being gushy and falling all over myself to talk to her and started being polite but more to the point, not many wasted words. That was a quick reaction on her part. Said that she doesn't want the ups and downs in the conversations, that she deserves to know when she calls what I will be like on the phone. Said that if I can figure out what is wrong and work on evening the convesations out a little, she would love to keep talking to me. Said that she likes hearing from me, that's why it hurts her when I've been more short these past couple of times.
This last part, her statements about the recent conversations has me stumped. I don't know whether to respect her decision to cut back on the contact and continue the 180 or if this is far enough. I wrote an e-mail in response to her (didn't send it) telling her that I was thrilled to hear from her each time but that I had been disciplining myself to respond cooly and politely instead. That's why the perceived up and down. I could really use some advice here. I don't know if this is one of those situations where I should stick to my guns and we'll come out the other side or if I'm pushing her away with the behavior I instituted to bring her closer. HELP!
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Oh, just to clarify, I'm not close to the going dark step yet obviously. I just wanted to draw her out enough and do enough different so that she might notice some of the work I've been doing.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Your tone on the phone is everything. Not annoyed, not detached. Just present an air of calm, zen-like serenity. Your Wife should leave the conversation feeling calm, soothed and happy.
Don't be excitable or puppy-dog happy when they call, but don't seemed pissed off. That is not the point of 180 or GAL.
I would write these words on my desk near my phone to remind me;
"Zen-like happiness" "Calm" "Placid" "Agreeable"
No, you should be nowhere near the going dark stage. You need to work on YOU and she needs to see/hear it as much as she possibly can. Some of us are just a little further down this road than you are (unfortunately) and have to take more extreme measures.
Get ready to expect the following comments from your wife (I think we all got these in one form or the other):
"I see your changes, I hope they are for YOU and not for ME"
"I see your changes but I don't think they are real"
"I see your changes but I don't think they will last"
"I see your changes but it is too late"
Keep working on you, your goals, and stick the course. Don't work on them for the results alone. Keep working.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
Gosh, that's a tough one. Personally, I would stick it out. I think that it will get to her and she will start thinking more about the prospect of losing you indefinately. That's what I've been doing with mine. I've not called and when he's called, I answer, but on the 4th ring or after the machine picks up, or sometimes, I just call back. The conversations we've had have been a lot more productive, a lot more meaningful... I think that (as much as we don't like it) people need space to think about what is truely important to them. But you come to a point, which is where I am at, when is enough enough? I think it'll take more than a couple of conversations. If she's still bitter, your email probably won't do any good at this point.
