Pushing for Dissolution

[BryanS]

I've been married for 3 years. It's been pretty rough most of the time with lots of fighting and threats of divorce. 3 weeks ago, in the midst of a bad fight, my wife and I agreed to a dissolution of the marriage which in essence is a cheap and easy divorce. I was immediately remorseful but didn't know what to do. 2 weeks ago, I found this site and started reading the books.

Here's the catch. My wife, K, is in Texas and I'm in Ohio for work. She took a job in Maryland so she's not coming back here and because of work, I cannot go there. We've been down this road so many times that she doesn't believe anything will change if we "work on it" and I am mostly to blame for that. Every time this happens, I make promises to change and then break them. Now I've found this and I know in my heart that it can help us but she's locked into the divorce mode of thinking. I don't know what to do. She told me two nights ago that she doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't see an alternative as she believes we'll never change. She told me today that she got her copies of the dissolution paperwork notarized and mailed them out to me to file in the courthouse. Final dissolution hearing takes place 30-90 days after I file them. Every part of me is rejecting the idea of filing but I don't want to antagonize her anymore by stalling even though I know I can change and she will see that with time. I'm at a loss.

I'm flying down to visit her in two weeks (she doesn't know it yet but I will tell her before I show up) to tell her in person that I want to reconcile. I will have to file the paper work before then (variety of reasons but I will have to) and I'm afraid that this will only cement the idea in her head.

I know she loves me, she hinted very strongly at it two days ago, and I know she doesn't want this divorce, she just wants out of our "unhealthy relationship". That felt so positive and then two days later she tells me about the notarized paperwork. I'm trying to be positive and keep the faith but it's very hard. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and come back? I'm looking for some hope. I feel like there's nothing I can do, everything I want to do (tell her I love her, beg her, promise to change) will only push her away. I want this marriage more than anything and I'm angry with myself for only now seeing that.

[BryanS]

I guess the real question is, does anyone have any advice for this situation? Wife pushing for divorce although she admits that she only wants the unhealthy interactions to end and divorce is the only way she can see that happening. Additionally, there is a relatively fixed time table of 5-7 weeks with which to work, during which time the divorce paperwork will likely be filed. And, we live 1200 miles apart. Please help.

[Dr.mom]

I am muddling through Dissolution as well. Although husband really wants it, it is not just a threat.

From what I have heard, things can move pretty fast with a dissolution, as opposed to filling for divorce. Once you agree on things and set the paperwork in motion, it gets finalized very quickly.

I stalled husband from going forward with paperwork until the 2nd week of September. I am trying to buy as much time as I can, waiting for him to come out of the haze and realize we can work this out.

Not getting much positive response lately, so I fear the inevitable. On pins and needles until September.

I have talked to lawyers about what would happen if I really "stalled" the dissolution, not handed in papers, etc. etc. They said it might make husband mad, and he might get fed up and file for divorce.

Right now I stand to lose a lot financially. Lawyers tend to think husband may feel very guilty, and try to offer me a better settlement through dissolution. Better than any judge would award me if he filed for divorce. So, I have to "play nice".

I have yet to see any paperwork. He has not even mentioned discussion of lawyers, settlements, etc. etc. I am afraid to bring it up.

My advice to you is buy time. Time is your friend. Have you read the Divorce Busting /Divorce remedy books?

What would happen if you stalled on the paperwork?

I would also recommend making some "conditional demands" on your wife. Like going to a marital retreat, to give it one more try. I highly recommend the Retrouvaille (Retrouvaille.org) weekend for troubled marriages. A really fabulous experience. This will be very good for your wife, to see that you, and the marriage really can change.

You have a shred of hope. The fact that your wife would "want" the marriage, if things could change.
My husband can't see change, nor does he want it. He just gave up. Nothing else I can do.

I know you are in Ohio. They are having a Retrouvaille weekend in September. You can also see which weekend they may be one in Texas. I needed to get H to one right away, we went to a weekend in a neighboring state.

Get her to commit to going, then back of and leave her alone. Read DB/DR and work on yourself. They WILL see the changes, even if you don't live together.

[NikB]

Agree with ponygirl - you do have some hope, but be prepared that it's going to take a LOT of time, patience, and work on your part. Also agree to check and see what you can do in regards to stalling the paperwork.

Then read DR, work on your goals, your changes. I like the idea of Retrouvaille if she's willing. But then definitely back off - way off - and leave her alone. No other R talks, begging, pleading, etc.

Be prepared on your trip to be cool, confident, strong - breaking down crying, pleading, etc. is not going to help your case at all. Be prepared for all possible outcomes, even flat out rejection, finding out there's an OM (other man)... anything. I know it's painful but the more you prepare for the worst and hope for the best, the better you'll handle things when you visit.

[Dom R]

She told me two nights ago that she doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't see an alternative as she believes we'll never change.

I think this is the biggest thing in play.

i'm not a counsellor. I've just been on the "separated" train for a long time, and done a lot of reading (and taken some MC, too)

big things:

1. she "doesnt want" it.

2. doesnt "see" anything changing


Hmm.. i was going to say something else, but i think a bigger issue needs to be tackled first.

Why do you think this time is any different, for YOU?

There's a difference between "trying to make things better, but not knowing/being able to",
and making SPECIFIC PROMISES to make SPECIFIC CHANGES, and then welching out on doing them.

If you made specific promises, and then broke them... then you are a man of no character. Odds are, you will do exactly the same thing again. make promises.. maybe keep them for 6 months... and then stop them once you dont feel pressured anymore.

Are you claiming you have suddenly acquired morals/character, and if so, how and why?



Obviously, you have majorly screwed up and broken her trust by breaking them.

[BryanS]

Dom: That's a fair question and one I need to be able to answer. I think this is a little different because of the approach being offered here, that of SBT. We have done some counseling in the past but we've never stuck with it long enough for it to work (her and my fault). So, I think this is different for me because I want to do something about my character defects and I feel like I have found a tool to do that. In the past, I have been more focused on making her stay just to stay. Now, I'm more focused on becoming a more loving person which I believe will make her want to stay if she has time to see it.

I did make some specific promises in the past but I kept them or most of them. I'm sure she could provide an example where I didn't because I'm not an angel. I did not make promises to not see people or stop drinking or anything like that which I later welched on because those have not been our issues. I think where this is coming from for her, and only she could tell you for sure, is that we have both renewed a generalized commitment to change in the past without any real idea of how to do that. I'll be nicer to you, I'll work less, I'll be more affectionate, that kind of thing. These inevitably failed because neither of us fully understood what it was we're supposed to be doing. We didn't have a plan.

I'm not claiming to have suddenly acquired morals. I'm claiming to have suddenly acquired direction and purpose. I am not perfect nor will I ever be and I screwed up plenty along the way. Thing is, I didn't like screwing up, I didn't like what I was doing but I didn't know how to do it any better and so I got frustrated and stagnated. This, I think, is what she sees, me acting the same as I always have because I haven't, until now, been able to find a simple common sense approach to changing that behavior.

I appreciate your candor. In truth, I could see my wife writing many of these same thoughts down and so it's helpful to me to have to think about and address them.

If I'm missing the point or this sounds like complete BS, please tell me. I want to do this right and if I'm not on the right track, I'd like to know.

[Dom R]

I appreciate your candor. In truth, I could see my wife writing many of these same thoughts down and so it's helpful to me to have to think about and address them.

yup. it's why i asked.

So. you are being unclear and vague.
this morning, you said that you "made promisies to change in the past but didnt keep them".

when i confronted you just now, you changed your story to, "well, I made promises, and I kept most of them".

This sounds Quite Bad.
This sounds like you are still playing games of avoiding responsability for your part, in what you need to change.

So, rather than describing (in a very general way) the promises that you DID keep... how about describing the promises that you did not keep. Why you made them, why you didnt keep them, and how, if at all, you are different now?

copping out and saying, " I'm sure she could provide an example where I didn't because I'm not an angel. ", is saying,

"well, gee I must have done something wrong, but either *I* dont think I did anything wrong, or what was important to her, just isnt important enough for me to think about it".


It's not looking good for you, until you are serious about doing some SERIOUS work on yourself (with both time spend, and effort), ADMITTING where and how you screwed up, specifically, and understanding whether or not you are really emotionally ready to change your behaviour, for the rest of your life.
If you're not.. then better skip making fast but empty promises to your wife that you're not going to keep.

Your exact words, above:
"Every time this happens, I make promises to change and then break them. "

If you dont even know specifics about how you "broke them", but you still said that....
It just sounds like you are doing exactly the same thing, desparately saying "I'll change! I'll change!" without having any clue what you are talking about, let alone commitment to enact any meaningful change to positively influence your relationship.

I'm claiming to have suddenly acquired direction and purpose.

What direction? what purpose?

The only direction and purpose I've read from you, is,

I WANT HER BACK!!!!

Doesnt sound like you know why, or what you would do if she came back.
That's no reason for her to COME back. Sounds like you'd be just as messed up as before. both of you.

Maybe you should just stick to the "try retrouvaille approach", like ponygirl suggested.
So that, rather than making desperate promises "to change", when you dont even know if they are good changes to make...

Go find out what has worked for many many marriages, and then after listening to whatever it is that they say for a weekend... talk with her about whether it is something that both of you are willing to try together.

[BryanS]

Yes, things do move fast with a dissolution, that's part of deal with them. 30-90 days after submitting the paper work, you stand before a judge and it's over.

I have read about half of both books, still working my way through them.

I appreciate your comments on the conditional demand. Something I hadn't thought about before and I'm not sure it would have a positive impact but it could work. Thank you.

Obviously, I don't know you or your H but is it posible that he has not "given up"? I mean, is it possible that he's lying to himself about this and how he feels about it?

[Dom R]

oh, ps: enough of the "can't do anything" attitude, reguarding the work situation.
that's the biggest issue between you right now, and its the biggest thing proving that you dont care enough about your marriage, to have a good one.

If you're serious, you will find 'something' you can do, to be with her and work down there.
You should be able to find at least 10 positions you can apply to, within 20 miles of where she is currently living, within a week.
Being able to land one, is another issue. But you should be able to come up with 10 positions, that you would really take, if you got a job offer to, within a week.

Doesnt have to be the same money that you make now. doesnt even have to be in the same field. The point is; what's your priority? your current job? or your marriage?

[BryanS]

actually, I can't. I'm military. I can't move except when they tell me and where they tell me. I did put in for a job where she's going but there's no guarentee.