I'm over my snit. I'm sorry. Olive branch and all.
I think I have some thoughts for you, if you want to hear them. If you can give me the benefit of the doubt that I am not trying to hurt you or piss you off.
And. If I start feeling defensive and pissy with you while we talk, I promise to go away, get a grip, and then respond.
So people... here's the scoop since my hubby came home last Fri.
Warning - uber long and rather windy/boring post ahead:
Friday night: We were late to pick up my daughter/her friend from 1st grade bat b/c he insisted on getting mickyDs on the way home from the airport tho there was snack food in my car. I was very calm and all about his lack of better judgement given the timing, but did indicate that I have not been late since school has been in session for a few weeks. He called me "passive agressive" (new one for me as usually I'm just plain agressive) and it colored the rest of the weekend.
He got some crud intestinal thing that sent him running to the bathroom that manifested that eve and lasted till monday.
I meanwhile got on the rag and decided that I didn't need to tell him that (he hates all the body function stuff anyways) and pretend to just be unavailable should any occasion ahem, arise (don't worry - it didn't).
We faught on Sat. - not sex, just not being nice (him being an ass, mostly) calling me names (he makes sh!t up like bozof) and saying I'm mean (for being upset that he sat building an itunes library most the day and making a mess everywhere he went). I was very, very sad and the highlight of my day was when we met some friends at the bay to go jetskiing, I opened some S. African bottle of wine and the pseudo-cork was leopard print. My husband gave me a kiss and said, "I love you - stop moping" soon after that.
Sun was more of the same. I was also getting his intestinal crud.
From Sat-Sun, there was 2 hugs and 1 kiss.
On Mon (our 7th y wed anniv), I took off for the gym w/out acknowledging the date, and came home 3 hours later to him tring to be nice with a lovely card and stuff (posted already).
Since then, we got healthy as of Tuesday (and yes, I'll attribute some crankiness on both our parts to the crud). We watched Superman returns as it was in high def on hbo and then he was tired when we got to bed together (2 goodnight kisses). In the morning, I masterbated in the spare b/r which he noted and said, "are you still going to be horny later" (HA! as if I wouldn't be should pigs fly and something actually materialize).
Even given the allusions to something happening, yesterday, he waited till I got home from some waxing/shopping adventures from 6-9:45 to go to the gym and then he was tired when we went to bed together. I waited up for him thinking that b/w the earlier allusion and the testosterone pump up at the gym, something would happen. Well, at least we are going to bed together... My son kept us up a lot last night and at 4 in the morning, I blurted out, "we need to see a marriage counselor" and he said "yes, can we go to sleep?" and I asked, why are we so not connected and he said, "why do you bring this stuff up at 4am?" and I went to the other room. He did come get me and said, "I love you can you please sleep in our bed" I said "sure". and went back but couldn't fall asleep so an hour later I got up, went to the other room and masterbated (trying to employ visualization tactics of him as opposed to someone/anyone! else when getting off) and then crawled back into bed again and slept nicely for about an hour before the 4.5 year old woke me up again.
In the morning, I asked him what day was good for me to look into for pot. therapy appts since I'd need to coordinate them/child care, etc. He said, "look, let's work this out ourselves"... I hmphed and said, "we need a plan - I'll put one together if we are going to do that".
He has made an effort the last couple days to say goodbye nicely with i love you pecks before heading out to work (remember, he's only been at this gig since 7/30 - lots of training/stress).
Today - he told me his work plans and times as they impacted evening (good for him - often he tells me after the fact). He had some demo happy hour that should have been done at 6. He calls at 7:35 on my ipone, and 7:40 on the home line (I don't pick up putting the kids to bed) and then 5 minutes later to leave a message on the home line. I call back at 8, and he tells me that the regional director, his boss, him and a couple other guys are getting "one more beer" (and he only had one before) at another location and that he should leave within the hour and will call me if he doesn't (again, good - not always so communicative) and says something to the effect of "wait up for me".
So, here I am typing away wondering what the hell is going in relationship-land.
From my calculations, he hasn't gotten off since Saturday, Aug 25th (if he is to be believed, he doesn't believe in spanking the monkey). I have given him lots and lots and lots of room to make moves in and out of the bedroom no not much result.
Last edited by loonyqt; 09/07/0703:57 AM.
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
Sorry you speak a slightly different dialect of English to me so I have trouble following sometimes.
I think what is going on in R land for you is a case of EXPECTATIONS. You have expectations of each other and you get pissed off when these are not met. Let go of your expectations and things will get better. It is a lot less exhausting. Do whatever, let him do whatever. If you want to MB it's up to you. If he doesn't that's up to him. Why are you counting when he last got off? Really.
Why are you trying to fantasise about your H when you MB rather than just letting yourself fantasise about whatever. Why are you policing yourself in this way? Why are you policing him? Why are you policing the R? Stop it - it's wearing you out. It strikes me you are quite manic. Who is the big policeman in the sky that's watching you and saying you are a bad person if you fail to
Arrive on time Do scrap-books Keep the house spotless Earn $$$$ Go to the gym for hours at a time Have a perfect R with your H Have sex every night
Loon the world will not stop turning if you chill out. Let up on yourself a little, and let up on those around you. Can you see how your high expectations could easily be putting your H off?
Here is something Corri posted to me. It might apply in your sitch too.
Quote:
I think your H is having a hard time finding his desire in the face of your passion. I think he wants to please you so much (I have to show her I'm a virile, horny man for her), that he actually loses it... sometimes...
I think you need to own your sexuality and not hide it from your H, but maybe you need to do a better job of communicating to him that you do not expect him to be responsible for it. If you think he is, that is part of the problem.
Anyway food for thought.
Fran
p.s.
Yes we've all been mensa'd. If we were thick we would probably just leave our spouses and go and find another one that would fck us. Leaving a trail of destruction behind us and ending up on the Jerry Springer show. But we think we're cleverer than that. It's debatable.
Chrome, I'm going to have a crack at guessing your sun-sign - is it Libra?
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I've got everyone beat. The H and I are both "psychology professionals" (in different fields) AND we have a sex starved marriage. SUX! Well...........goes to show you that as Schnarch and many other R experts have said having marital trouble is normal not abnormal. It is chance to grow up, to see what you are each made of. You DO need to chill but that doesn't make any of this easy. Don't spend any time thinking of when he last got off. That is HIS problem. He may/may not take care of it on his own. Not your problem either. Your problem is that he hasn't shown any interest in marital sexual negotiation and prefers to let you rot more often than not. There could be any number of reasons why but having you at a continuous state of "Do me! Do me! Do me!" is like having a toddler screaming for a lollipop - sometimes you give them one, sometimes you don't. I'm not trying to be mean but trying to help you quit wasting brain space on things that don't matter in the equation. I'm sure others will have helpful ideas for you. I'm short on time today.
Believe it or not... I think you are bored. I know you have lots and lots of balls in the air, and you do lots and lots of stuff... but I don't see/hear about anything that really 'stimulates' you... other than sex. And I'm not trying to be funny when I say that either.
Sex IS stimulating... the connection you get with your partner IS stimulating...
even arguing with your H over not getting sex is stimulating. I don't know that it's the kind of stimulation you want or prefer... but, it still is.
I don't see that you have anything in your life that is challenging YOU.. Loon, her, the one inside... that very smart cookie who's mind travels at warp speed.
Yes, Corri. I'm with you. I try to find things to keep me occupied... but likely I am not truly stimulated. But that's a whole other ball of wax of "who am I and what should I be doing?". sigh.
Fran - LOVE your ps. LOL! And yes, when I ramble, it's hard to follow. thanks for the advice, I need to lower the expectations a bit. That's going to be hard for me. But, I don't think I'm really manic. I can sit down and relax with a martini or two (or 4) every once in a while.
Chrome - Libra was not on my radar. I'm going to blow my other 2 guesses in order 2) Pisces 3) Aquarius
And, for anyone who cares, we did have sex yesterday. (big yay, yay!) Today, I was really funny with a couple messages and the "welcome home sexy" cheer in the driveway after work. I am trying to employ the "positive affirmation" love language that H likely speaks in blazing glory. It was kinda obnoxious, but we did have a nice conversation about our days afterwards.
Right now, I'm waiting for him to get back from the gym to have dinner - got him crab legs (a fave). He too is an astrological crab (western, non-adjusted, lol). I did a nice little chant when I told him about the upcoming meal:
"King Crab, King Crab, gave his wife some stabbedy-stab"
I crack myself up sometimes. ;-)
Happy Friday!
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
Oh, and Karen - I've been reading "The Secret" and am just trying to employ strong visualization tactics to materialize my desires. I'm not trying to police anyone's fantasies (speaking of police, I have a pretty good one myself of my BIL in his upholding-the-law blue uniform, actually) lol!
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
