Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[L21959]

maybe check your email??

[Nomopo]

Oh, that makes sense. J, if you're still writing, ok. But if you sent me something, send it again please because it's not here. Thanks. And thanks L.

[stillme]

LOL.
Can't be b/c I'm a slow typist, so it must be b/c I have too much to say. . . It's going now.
j.

[L21959]

Nomo --

You've pushed me out of my recent, mostly-lurking mode...

I'm interested in hearing about what you think is going on with you. Sounds like you've had some rough patches lately, esp with your son (which is heartbreaking), which may have brought up an unusually strong dose of genuine anger and frustration with your W, and with the fact that you don't feel like things appear to be moving forward much at all.

I guess I see that differently...i continue to see movement forward in your communication with your W, and real potential in the terms of your R. Even the exchange below

W: Ok. C said to talk about it when you seem hostile, so I am telling you I'm feeling that guy. Don't get mad. (Getting louder, more intense herself.)
Nomo (with a slight chuckle): Well, ok. That's fine. And now you're getting hostile. I was just wondering what you heard in that first conversation that made you feel I was being hostile.
W: Just by how short you were and it was your tone.
Nomo: Ok. Thanks. I'll talk to you later.

Not anywhere close to the way I would have preferred to handle it, but it is what it is. She could feel hostility, and there was some coldness there.

was an honest exchange. You acknowledged your feelings, and W actually followed through with something C suggested she do in order to validate her own feelings...

You have a right to feel really angry about what's going on (to you and especially to your kids). I'd question your judgment if you didn't have these feelings. Now, I may be the last person to offer advice on this (i may be the biggest Sucker (with a capital S) in the world for hanging in my sitch for such a looong time), but I don't want you to confuse needing to take a timeout and slowly recharge your batteries, with the need to throw in the towel.

I still feel like the fact that the fact that you and your W are both clearly very bright and accomplished complicates this whole process...I had a counselor once who worked extensively with academics (not unlike attorneys) and who said they were often incredibly hard to work with because of how much they thought about and intellectualized things... ring any bells?

(N.B. Just as a random thought, I'm guessing you are not a baseline player (not a 'pusher', at least not in tennis I'm betting you're a serve and volley kind of guy...

I'm starting to ramble, so i'll close. I'll just put one more thing out there as food for thought... I've seen lots of LBS (esp guys it seems) mention how they don't believe that their WAS will ever meet their needs, and that they know there's 'someone' out there for them...maybe there is, but i don't think it's as straight forward as that. When we have a history, and esp. a family, with someone, it's an every day choice for us to make that decision/that willingness to compromise (I think i recall Slowly writing a great post to you on that...)

Hang in there Mr Nomobabybabe...

L

[Sara]

You just spent a weekend with a gaggle of attractive, strong women all actively engaged in making their R's better. Your W can't help but pale in comparison to that level of engagement shown by the ladies of the Orlando Krew (anybody a graphic designer? That logo could be GD's next tat)


Gee, Heimy, you're making me blush!

[SuperDad]

Nomo,
I am right there with you, as you saw in Orlando. My question for you (actually for myself as well):
Could this be what detaching really feels like? I will journal later about my IC visit today, check it out.
SD

[walkingcliche]

Hey Pusher,

Maybe you are right. Maybe you have exhausted every possible course of improving your R, and just letting it go is the best thing you could do. Maybe you should focus on finding someone better to spend the rest of your life with.

Or...

Maybe you are just too smart for your own good. Maybe you have been reading too much of my claptrap. Maybe you are afraid that there could be an end in sight, and aren't sure what you will do with your life if you don't have this issue to focus so much of your time on.

Or...

Maybe you know, on some instinctive level, that the only way your W will wake up to the reality of the sitch is if you give her what it is she thinks she wants, but you are worried about other people's opinions of you and don't want to be seen as "giving up".

Or...

Maybe I don't have a clue what I am talking about.


In any case: I love you, man. Please let me know if there is anything you think I could do to help.

You're going to be okay, no matter what. I know it. And, if you ever want to go about 800 miles east, I'll be glad to treat you to the best Sushi in town.

P.S. You might want to read Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales. Maybe it would help if you took a look at things from a slightly different angle?

[Puddle]

Hey Nomopo,

It's scary to feel something new and not be able to define it rationally. Your C thinks your window is closing, and s/he may be right. The timeline is interesting, too: 4--6 weeks sounds pretty precise. I assume s/he arrived at that based on previous experience; who knows where you'll fall in (or outside) there.

I'm not in your shoes, and I'm at an earlier stage, certainly. I have the same question SD does:

Could this be what detaching really feels like?

I'm not sure where the line is between detaching and moving on in our own minds/hearts. How is it possible to be committed to saving your R when you're detached? It sounds like pure will, void of all emotion. No one wants to act on emotion, but we surely feel it. When we're detached and stop feeling it, where's the motivation? Or is detachment a strategy we use, or a trick we play on ourselves, so that when/if W/H comes around, we can plug back in to our desire to fix the M? Maybe that's the line your C referred to.

I'm thinking out loud here, but it's something I've been wondering about. Maybe someone who's gone through what they consider true detachment can comment. I'd be interested. You say you're "mourning the loss of your M," and that sounds like moving on to me.

Maybe walkingcliche is right and you intellectualize to your detriment. I wonder the same about me. I wonder if I'm not intellectualizing myself right out the door.

How do you feel about your C's timeline? Are you feeling anxious to move on, maybe get some relief from all this? I always think I have to hold out for absolutely as long as I can, and then hold on some more. The reason your C gives for pushing it sounds like a valid one. Thankfully you're in control of this one.

I think another part of me feels like I would be upset with myself if I found out that if I had just been patient things would work out.

And how, pray tell, would you find that out?

Take care, Nomopo. I wish you everything good. And I know I'm not alone in hoping you stick around: your steady voice is a blessing here.

[alk24]

And I know I'm not alone in hoping you stick around: your steady voice is a blessing here.

I feel the same.

[ItsKat]

Hi Puddle,

You posted some good thoughts and questions there.

I am someone who has crossed the line of detachment. I am not sure exactly when (2-3 months), it has been a process.

How is it possible to be committed to saving your R when you're detached? It sounds like pure will, void of all emotion. No one wants to act on emotion, but we surely feel it. When we're detached and stop feeling it, where's the motivation?

At this point for me, if my H decided to work on the M, it would be pure will on my part to decide to work on it too. I would not "feel" like working on the M, but I would do it because I feel it would be the right thing to do. What also would help is that I know that feelings can change over time. Just because I have no feelings for my H right now, doesn't mean I can't develop them again later.

Or is detachment a strategy we use, or a trick we play on ourselves, so that when/if W/H comes around, we can plug back in to our desire to fix the M?

I know that I used to try to play that trick on myself earlier in my sitch, telling myself that I didn't care when I did. But for me, I am not playing that trick anymore.

I am sad about where my sitch it now, but I actually have felt much better since I have crossed this line. Partly, I think it is because I have taken back some of the power I gave up and partly because I am focused on me instead my H, which is much less frustrating.