You know how some financial experts advise that you should always pay yourself first and put away some savings no matter what is going on otherwise in your financial life? I think that is how sex on vacation should be handled. Figure out how to make the sex work first and then make your other plans around the sex. Of course, this would be a priority with me because any sort of novel new scene or experiences I would encounter on a vacation would be a turn-on as would lying on the beach in the sun or hiking in the woods etc. etc.
If I'm remembering your kids ages right, it seems to me that they would be thrilled if you gave them the opportunity to be more independent while on vacation and just sent them off with some cash and you could just lie by the pool reading steamy fiction and drinking something with an umbrella in it and then inviting BF back up to the room for a nap. Part of the problem with Mommy-Mode is that there is some self-deception going on which involves you telling yourself that everybody needs you because on some level you want to believe that everybody needs you. If your kids are younger than I'm assuming, you should find a cool older teen to bring along as a chaperone/kid minder in exchange for free vacation and some spending cash. My aunt had 8 kids but she always just had relaxing vacations spent drinking, playing cards with her cousins and going out in the evening because she always brought au pairs or child minders with her.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Getting away with my bf on our own is not a problem. As a matter of fact, us being able to be by ourselves so much is what put a spotlight on this for me. It isn't a problem, I'm not complaining... it just really, really hit me...
And I've been thinking a lot about it...
But before I share my thoughts... just wanted to know what the HD ladies do on vacation with the kiddies...
Mo, what did you do as opposed to what you think should happen on vacation?
I'm in your camp, though I wouldn't have an au pair. I think vacations can be extremely important learning experiences for the kids, and that parents do need to make sacrifices, but too much is a problem and can harm the marriage.
Chrome,
I think your take on this, and to an extent Corri's too, is a little too far to one side. There is no reason why a vacation can't be split between kid's and parent's time. If the kids throw a fit about this, then that is the parent's fault for not establishing healthy boundaries. There's just way too much evidence on here of the consequence of not giving the marriage enough priority for it to be pushed aside, even on, or maybe especially on, vacation.
HD ladies have sex on vacation. HD ladies get frustrated when their partners do not want sex on vacation. Dad mode or Mom mode, while biologically necessary, can be ramped up into an excuse to not pay any attention to the partner. My H does this all the time he will insist on "watching the kids" even when they are fine. My H does not seem to realise that the level of attention I pay my kids is that same whether he is there or not, and they do not and would not come to any harm when they are with me alone. He goes into hyper-vigilant Dad mode and gets annoyed with me for not doing the same and not giving him the chance to slack off. I say slack away it's not going to change what I do.
Corri, paper thin walls can be inhibiting but it is possible to have sex quietly. H and I have had sex in the tent with the kids in the other "room". I can remember as a student when my then bf and I spent one summer sharing a room with another couple. We were way too young and horny not to have sex, we just did it very quietly.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I remember one delicious encounter at a hotel with all the (under 5) kids out cold on the floor. We weren't quiet. We knew from experience that a nuclear explosion wouldn't wake them up once they were seriously sleeping. And if they did wake up, well, we figured we'd just tell them we were playing and tell them to go back to sleep.
I think it was better than any encounter we'd had before that time.
A couple of years later we got walked in on by our 6 year old daughter. It wasn't the end of the world.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
All of us dads go into dad mode all the time. The difference is that dads in dad mode can usually switch right out of it in a nano-second. Most women that go into mom mode can NOT do this. Once they get into mom mode, getting out of mom mode is hard for them, and in my wifes case, she has not left it in 18 years.
But you suck it up and do it. If you happen to get a quickie while on vacation, its a perk not a right or obligation.
I have been sucking it up for 18 years, I have raised 3 boys, the youngest of which is 11. I never said that sex on vacation is a right, the problem is that it is almost never even a perk. Even when on vacation ALONE with my wife, specifically to get closer to her, she does not want sex, even gets a little miffed if I ask for it. My wife see vacation as time to do what SHE wants, not to do what is good for US, but that is the way she lives her life, doing what is good for HER, not for US.
Thank you all for your thoughts. I think I actually can see everyone's POVs. Cobra, while I agree with you mostly, I'm not sure how you institute your suggestions of kid time/adult time, when the kids are smaller, and there is no other older child/adult supervision. Unless, like Crazy Eddie and Hap suggest, you just 'do it' anyway, when the kids are asleep, paper thin walls or not.
I'm sure if I had pushed the issue, I could have gotten myself going and my bf going and had a lovely time, quiet or not so quiet. HE certainly did not initiate in any way... HE was feeling a bit uncomfortable... as he could hear the kids even rolling over or coughing... and this was our first time away, all together... though... that's not really true... we went away for a hockey weekend once, and we had adjoining rooms... and the sex was pretty hot... but that was definitely during the chemical phase.
Now, all, really, I am NOT complaining, I swear. I'm more 'talking out loud,' about this... because it is something WE BOTH noticed and talked about. We even laughed about it... but I probably take it way more seriously than he does, for I do NOT want it to become a habit, a pattern, or anything close to normal or expected behavior, especially given my time here and my past experience.
I'm sure the guys are saying... 'hey, if you are willing, he will find a way.... or you will....'
The girls are saying...'if I'm willing, I will find a way.'
I even know this about myself.
But this was something that HIT me... I FELT it... maybe I was anxious because it was our first time away together... maybe it was because I wanted them all to get along well and have fun together... this was MY vacation with MY kids, and he asked outright if he could come with us... so this trip was NOT about him... or even a family thing... it was about me and my kids... and I thought that if he wanted to come along and have fun with US... okay... honestly, I was curious to see how he might handle it... he was great.
I asked him once if he was having fun. He said..."it isn't the kind of fun you and I have together, that is for sure. But I am definitely having fun, in a different kind of way."
My kids were my kids. I told them to be on their good behavior, but not to feel uncomfortable.
I have a theory on blended families. And now having been on all three sides of the fence now... I've been a step-kid.... then I was a step-parent (even before I was a parent myself), I've been a parent with a potential 'step' in my and my kids lives... I've even been a step-grandma....
Anyway... this whole 'step' business... is quite the slippery slope. Not that my bf is or will be a step... but the kids automatically 'defer' to him in a fatherly type way... it is REALLY REALLY weird for me to see... and experience.
This is a whole aspect to relationships that is completely NEW for me... and when I get anxious... and I bury my anxiety...gasp... my sex drive goes so far south, I wonder if I've ever had sex in my life. Yet... there are times during that whole experience of anxiety/no sex drive, I look at my bf, sitting in his beach chair, on the water, sipping our drinks, while my kids are out dunking one another in the lake... and his face in the sunset light takes my breath, and I could jump his bones right then and there... my desire hits me so powerfully...
It is an extreme high/extreme low experience for me that I've never encountered before in my life. I can only surmise it is a true combination of FOO anxiety, mother anxiety and true Corri all blended together in one experience... and I'm not sure at all who to let come through... and steer my ship.
So if anyone has thoughts on that... KAREN you out there girl?
There is no reason why a vacation can't be split between kid's and parent's time. If the kids throw a fit about this, then that is the parent's fault for not establishing healthy boundaries.
Depends on the age of the kids. In CeMar's case, sure. In my case (two 3-year olds and one 1-year old) there is no such thing as establishing healthy boundaries as far as "alone time" for the parents. Surely you remember how it was when your kids were that age.
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There's just way too much evidence on here of the consequence of not giving the marriage enough priority for it to be pushed aside, even on, or maybe especially on, vacation.
I would be the last one to argue for pushing aside couple needs in favor of parenting needs ... ALL THE TIME. But there are situations in which your kids depend on you, and one of those is being in a strange place, such as what can happen on vacation. Sex on vacation is a good thing, and should be pursued heartily. But if you don't get sex on vacation, then you make up for it when you get back home. Insisting on sex during family vacation just seems silly to me. But maybe I'll change my mind as my kids get older, who knows.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
We are debating past each other. I was simply making the point that your comment that mom-mode is useless was hyperbolic. Yes, if a woman gets stuck in mom-mode for 18 years (as you claim is the case with your W), that is a serious R problem. And I agree that one of the most common R problems is women getting stuck in mom-mode. But a man who doesn't appreciate the usefulness of mom-mode is a man who is going to have R problems regardless of how stuck his W is. Frankly, your "anti mom-mode" attitude is likely to come across as disrespectful to your W.
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I have been sucking it up for 18 years
That my friend is a serious problem for sure.
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I have raised 3 boys, the youngest of which is 11.
This may be a bit nit-picky, but don't you mean you have helped raise 3 boys with your W?
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Even when on vacation ALONE with my wife, specifically to get closer to her, she does not want sex, even gets a little miffed if I ask for it.
This is a COMPLETELY different situation that what we are talking about. Your W not having sex with you on a couples vacation has nothing to do with mommy-mode. UNLESS she is pining away for the kids the whole time and uses that as an excuse to not be intimate. That would be a problem.
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My wife see vacation as time to do what SHE wants, not to do what is good for US, but that is the way she lives her life, doing what is good for HER, not for US.
If that truly is the case then you need to confront her with the issue. Why don't you "head her off at the pass" and plan a vacation where you just get a hotel room at a boring location with the idae that you are just going to stay in and fcuk the whole time? Seriously, what you describe is a serious R problem. What do you think you can do about it?
Chrome
p.s. Sorry Corri if this is too OT.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Corri, Honestly, to me, it sounds like it was a case of the jitters at the newness of it all...integrating bf into your kids' lives in a way that you had not attempted before.
My first reaction was that I wouldn't let paper-thin walls deter me, but then my next thought was "what if it were my *boyfriend* instead of their dad?" and "what if they were hypersensitive to the possibility of us being too lovey dovey?" and on and on. I think this adds a whole new element to it.
Really...my opinion about vacation is that kids are so wiped out at the end of the day that they are not going to hear/wake up. On the other hand, I can see where their presence and coughs and rolls would unnerve you both, since that is not a dynamic that has come up in your R yet. This was a big first step, eh! It'll get easier and better as time goes on and you build on what you have already endured together.
But back to your original question...I can't really say there are distinct Modes that I am in. I am not, by nature, a moody person--I'm usually very consistent (with the obvious exception being pregnancy, which I had to get in before Hairy does). I find it difficult to switch back and forth but I do take hornypot underground in front of my kids. It is WAY more discreet and secretive but not absent.
So I suppose the answer you are truly looking for is that it is acceptable and even necessary to tone it down when in front of your kids and I'm sure your bf sees the necessity of that. In addition, I'm sure he's a-okay with it so long as you don't forget about him entirely when with the kids. If you did this last vacation, just chalk it up to nerves and first time jitters and STOP WORRYING!
