I read most of the thread on "Sex-starved Wives" and find it unbelievable that there are very many. But it was enlightening to see wives complaining about their husbands only being in the mood once a week, when 90% of men are lucky to find their wives in the mood once a month.
So I got to wondering what people consider normal, etc.
1. What do you consider a normal, healthy level of sexual activity for married couples?
2. What do you consider to be minimal acceptable / unacceptable level?
3. What do you consider to be "sex-starved" or sexless marriage?
My answers to my own questions: 1. Twice a week 2. If you go 2 weeks without doing it, and 2 weeks without initiating it, you have a problem, whether you consider yourself to be HD or LD. 3. Anything less than 10 times a year in a negative number. 10 gets you to zero, then you can start counting.
Hah! My minimum daily ORGASM requirement is one to three a day (that hasn't changed since I hit puberty three decades ago!), but yeah, of course I don't expect ANY woman to keep up with that and and I'm OK with taking care of 80% of that "on my own."
As far as intercourse, my ideal would be once a day; I'd consider once every other day an acceptable "compromise," and I wouldn't complain with three or even two times a week.
I understand "one to three times a week" to probably be "typical/normal." And as implied above, I guess I'd consider twice a week to be "minimal acceptable level."
To compare to your answers, I'd say if you go more than ONE week without doing it or initiating it, there's a problem (and yes, I/we have a problem), and I'd consider anything less than once every week and a half to be sex starved.
I've been so starved for so long (months) I've lost my appetite and given up. I just take care of myself these days, and if my wife ever starts missing it enough to care again, well she will be the one who will have to come begging to me, because as of a few months ago I'm done being the begger.
Whenever I read any "facts" about men thinking of sex x number of times a day, and women basically thinking of it never I want to scream!!! I just don't see it that way. Those things always make it seem like I am some kind of freak and I am not. I am a woman and I love sex!!!! I really don't have any female friends who never think about it so I have no idea where all these facts come from. Just because it is not my only thought throughout the day does not mean I don't want or enjoy having sex. I think there is no normal number in regards to frequency though. Some people are quite happy with once a month while others would find that unbearable. And alot of it depends on a couples age. Short of medical problems, I do not know how anyone could turn down a spouse time and again. I have never turned down my husband and never would. However, I think a huge part of the problem is that people are always trying to find out what is normal. Are you trying to keep up with the Jones' ? What works for them is not necessarily work for you!! I think a marriage is sex-starved whenever one spouse thinks it is because obviously someone's needs are not being met.
I do not know how anyone could turn down a spouse time and again. Try 1X a month and get it over quick when my minimum would be 1X a week and take my time.
lac69, I agree that any marriage is "sex-starved" when on spouse is not having their needs met. That is the essence of the problem: what is normal for them is far too much for their partner. I see people here claiming to be "sex-starved" at once or twice a week, and others saying that once a month would make them happy.
There seems to be a lot of subjective selfishness at the root of these conflicts, either by those who expect sex every day, or those who don't see the problem with sex twice a year. There seems to be a lack of sensitivity and caring about others all the way around here in the relationships that are really on the rocks.
I do not believe there is one hard-fast rule regarding what is "normal" and all the so-called "experts" out there drive me up a wall when they talk that way.
Even HD people, like myself, vary from week to week. Right now, sure, I would say I would like it everyday. But once I got a steady routine of that, it might cut back some weeks to only a couple of times and then the following week nothing and then the following week back to everyday.
"Normal" is what two people agree on for THEM, no one else. I am hoping when H and I finally get to the point of ML once again, we can come to that compromise. To me, it would be almost everyday, to him it might be once a month (which would be a HUGE improvement for him) but if we can settle at somewhere in between, I would be satisfied and consider it "normal" for us.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
What is normal? I can say what is desirable for me.
Here is part of a post that I see most HD men face. How do I push for what I want when someone post things like this and I could say that is what my W is or might be feeling.
My question to the LDW that eliminated sex in her M. What do you mean by giving in? When you say giving in, I hear you implying you have something that is more valuable than what your H has.
Her reply: I suppose I am. Maybe not implying a value in general as much as a value to me. I read a bit on Marriagebuilders.com and got slapped in the face by my ability to relate to how he describes sexual aversion ( http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html ). Read down to What Is an Aversive Reaction? and Sexual Aversion
Thats me to a "T", to the point of horrible physical and emotional tension at the very thought. I know how I got here and remember it well, but somewhere it just got bigger and bigger until it was an unconquerable monster to me. I can see this is probably going to be VERY hard. (No puns intended)
Not an uncommon story. It's one reason the HD spouse holds back, settles for less sex. Who in their right mind wants their spouse to suffer something like an aversion.
Of course, not all LD spouses have aversion issues.
HW Right now, sure, I would say I would like it everyday. But once I got a steady routine of that, it might cut back some weeks to only a couple of times and then the following week nothing and then the following week back to everyday.
That sounds about like the mental camp I am in.
It's my opinion, once sex was not an issue or a problem, the daily stuff would fade a bit.
I know for me and a lot of other people on the forum, 8X a month would be a big improvement. Especially if BB wanted it as much as I do.
Like a lot of other people, quality, doing it because both people like it and giving and accepting sex is so much more than just "N" times a month.
I could do it more with BB if I pressed the issue, but knowing it is not something she wants to do that often, just kills my drive sometimes. Other times it turns into a mission and my drive is in the forefront. I try to do it for us, but sometimes have to do it for me when I feel BB isn’t on board.
Lac69 I really don't have any female friends who never think about it so I have no idea where all these facts come from.
Your circle of friends are different than my W' circle of friends.
One friend's W said, sex should be over once the kids are out of the house and certainly by the time one is 60 or retired, which ever comes first. I am 63.
I hear some women saying the sex is for baby making after they have some kids ready to leave the nest. No the women don’t want more kids. They want to give up having sex but have enough knowledge a sexless M won’t be a M for long.
Twenty years ago, there was an Ann Landers column that read. Most women want to be held in bed and had sex with their H to be held, not for the sex.
My W clipped it out and gave it to me and said, “here is what I have been telling you. I am normal.”
BTW I never know there were so many HDW till I found this forum.
Whenever this question comes up (and it does regularly), there's always this "well, some people want it three times a day, and others would settle for once a week."
SETTLE for once a week???? Some here would KILL for once a week!
Making a comparison between once a week and three times a week is hairsplittimg.
How about once a YEAR? Once every FIVE YEARS? Once every DECADE?
Can we all agree that THAT is not normal? That that is NOT a marriage?
It's not just a question of "getting needs met"-- if MONTHS go by with no sex, no kissing, no groping, no cuddling... can that really be a marriage? Where is the "two bodies becoming one" in that scenario?
IMHO once a month is the BARE minimum to be in the normal zone (yes, the dreaded "N-word"!)
