Nomopo Trying to Exercise Patience/Manage Emotions

[SunnySeason]

Last night, my W initiated a full on hug for the first time since we separated. I swear I didn't make any move towards her at all. Details to follow. And, she called me this morning for no good reason, and lingered quite a bit.

Funny, I had this thought/feeling yesterday that your W would start to move in your direction.

I mean, d^mn, if I miss having you around after a 5 day period, imagine how she must after more than a decade

This is your week in the house w/the kids, I believe, so she's in her castle (w/MIL ) & it might be getting a bit wearing.

BTW, my new stock answer whenever she asks me how I am or how it's going is "GREAT!!!"

Hey, you took my answer. Except I had replaced it with O.K. this last few days. I'm going back to "Great!!!"

L&L,

Sunny

[Not Much Left]

NIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dude, I am so happy for you I am about to drive over there and "hug it out!"

Give me a call or email if you can still meet tomorrow.

[Nomopo]

Hey L, thanks for both posts. A few more ideas:

Not right now - I honestly am not sure where I would put one, since I am not separated - just stressed, maritally speaking.

Well, if you do, I find newcomers has lots of traffic, and even if you aren't a newbie, I don't think anyone would mind. If you do, ping me please so I can book mark it.

Not knowing the details of your current R, I'm not sure if this is just paranoia that comes from distant history, or if there is more reason for it.

It's the former. He has been more than available by phone, e-mail, and IM this summer.

Well his availability is an excellent sign.

I guess I am just struggling with old feelings of abandonment that I thought were resolved, and old fears that I also thought were resolved.

It makes sense and is normal I suspect. You ought to re-read the chapter in DR on infidelity. There will be some tips in there on things you (and especially your H if he is willing) can do to calm your fears. If you have the time, take a quick re-read. It would take an hour or two at most.

The funny thing is, I think the area of Arkansas (northwest corner) that we are moving to is beautiful

I was in Fayetteville for the first time a few years ago for a football game and it was BEAUTIFUL. I had no idea.

I think I will do better at this once the situation has calmed a bit - it's been something of a shock being a parent alone to our almost two-year-old and our five-year-old.

Agreed.

The overwhelming thing I am hearing from you in this message is "the keys to some of this are in your hand - don't feel powerless." It reminds me to be empowered, and to not give up and become a victim of circumstances and situations. I forget this, especially when old, ugly fears arise.

We all need reminders. And the other message I want to convey is to look for solutions. Your feelings are normal. Now what can you and H do about them? And I wonder if he has anything he is struggling with. If you share with him, maybe he will be inspired to share with you. And then we all win!

Don't shut up! It helped incredibly that you compassionately listened to my pity-party, made some gentle suggestions, and reminded me of what I could do to make my situation (and my life) a good place to be.

What goes around comes around L! I still owe you a few.

Nomo

[new_attitude]

Here's a teaser: Last night, my W initiated a full on hug for the first time since we separated. I swear I didn't make any move towards her at all.

That's great!

[Nomopo]

Hi Sunny and CVA! I've been in a good mood ever since the funk on S7's Bday (7/20), and San Diego must have kick started it. But I'll be damned if you two didn't just make me feel better.

Funny, I had this thought/feeling yesterday that your W would start to move in your direction.

Not so funny. You know you're S.D. special advice helped start it. In fact, you boldly predicted it. Let's see if it lasts. It is a good start though.

I mean, d^mn, if I miss having you around after a 5 day period, imagine how she must after more than a decade

Right back at you!

This is your week in the house w/the kids, I believe, so she's in her castle (w/MIL ) & it might be getting a bit wearing.

Now this IS funny. On the call this morning, she started complaining about how MIL is getting on her nerves. I said I didn't realize you two were seeing each other that much (W been has been working late; MIL leaves very early - she's a nurse). W said "we haven't. But when we do see each other, well, you know how she is." Although grinning like a Chesire Cat, I was an validating/empathy machine.

Yes, CVA, we're on for late lunch manana. I'm thinking 1:30 pm. I'll be in jeans and a t-shirt, as the kids and I head to my brother's house (near Dallas) around 3:00 pm.

Later,
Nomo

PS - I enjoy these boards so much more than work.

PSS - Hi N_A. Thanks for the support!

[Gone Dancin']

Hey Nomo,

I'm so jacked for you getting a full-on hug INITIATED by W! That is HUGE!!! I'd sure like to know what the special advice was from S.D. that got you that hug (can't the rest of us be privy? ).

I love how good you sound -- it is rubbing off on me as we speak. I can also really picture you sitting back with that Cheshire Cat grin -- priceless.

I just got that charm -- gonna put it with the note and her mail today in preparation for tomorrow. I'm doing Special Day with D3 today, as well as getting ready for my Lindy Hop trip to Seattle this weekend (leaving in the morning), so I won't be on the board that much. I'll try to post to everyone at least once before I leave -- won't be back until Monday night.

GD

[Nomopo]

Thanks GD!

I'd sure like to know what the special advice was from S.D. that got you that hug (can't the rest of us be privy? ).

Sure you can. Sunny can fill in later because she (and still) were the ones who conveyed the message, but basically they said quit trying so hard. Quit being right there all the time. Quit answering phone calls and emails so quickly. Be perfectly pleasant, nice, positive and upbeat when you do interact, but she will likely move your way more when she starts to get the idea that you really might not be there for her. As long as she knows you are waiting at her feet/doorstep/something like that, she is unlikely to reinvest. Why would she? She doesn't have to.

So, I started doing it at in San Diego. (See journaling later.) It's way to early to tell, but the advice makes perfect sense, and the very early results are good. I'll keep you posted. My W is by no means out of any woods, but maybe these are the earliest signs that she is finding a compass.

Nomo

[Gone Dancin']

Okay -- that makes perfect sense! Thanks for your recent post btw. I'll address it later. Always seeing the good where I don't/can't...

[Lyrael]

Okay, to summarize:

1. Consider newcomers forum as a good place to stick a miscellanous thread about my miscellaneous situation.
2. Re-read DR's infidelity chapter (I have to find my copy of it first).
3. Look for solutions, and maybe be open to the idea that he is struggling, too, and hear him if and when he expresses that.

Thanks - I appreciate it.

P.S. I love watching you and Sunny talk!

[Iamworththetime]

Quit answering phone calls and emails so quickly. Be perfectly pleasant, nice, positive and upbeat when you do interact, but she will likely move your way more when she starts to get the idea that you really might not be there for her. As long as she knows you are waiting at her feet/doorstep/something like that, she is unlikely to reinvest. Why would she? She doesn't have to.

I think that this may be what my W is experiencing now, at least I hope so.