Not so fast!

[indybyathread]

Interesting developments: Since my expressing to him that I needed to stop pretending to be friends, he has told me that he wanted me to know he missed me and that he still finds me desirable. He suggested that he was losing his resolve to get his own place and it was getting harder to overlook what he might be losing. I have hung tough and not grabbed onto any of those statements to say, "So come home!"

I found a MC that called me and spoke to me for forty five minutes on the phone asking me about the sitch and sharing his experience and philosophies with me. I am convinced this is the kind of MC that will do more good than harm. He is about saving marriages, not guiding individuals into finding their own bliss. He said marriage is the best possible place to learn the skills that we all need to feel better about ourselves because that is where we find the tests that give us difficult.

I told H that I was having so much trouble knowing how to deal with his choices and our interactions and asked if he would help ME out by agreeing to go see this guy. I told him that he would have to plan to try to give me 3-4 sessions as the way this man works is three sessions of his asking lots of questions and getting our marital history and then he can make recommendations to help ME better interact etc. He agreed to go. It is a bit of trickery, I admit, but he seems to be at a turning point right now and I am sure that he will be more open to all of it if he feels like he is doing this for my well being.

I think this is a positive step. In the meantime, I am going to do all I can to detach. If I can manage it, I will try to avoid anything but polite exchanges. I need to try not to get caught up in being his buddy. It will be difficult because the more I pull back, the more he pursues friendly interaction. He flat came out last night and asked me if I would mind coming out of my room for a while to give him some company. Didn't have anything to say, just wanted me to watch TV with him. I didn't want to discourage him from ever asking again so I did it. Next time I need to try to have something else that is keeping me too busy to accept.

It is also going to be difficult to detach a lot right now because his parents arrive Sunday and he will be staying here with all of us for the five days they are visiting. I am going to get out of the house as much as I can without being rude to his parents. They have been so accessible to me, really the ones I can talk to about this stuff more than anyone else. They love him so they understand what I am trying to do and, unlike most everyone else that loves me, are not inclined to tell me to kick him to the curb until he gets his head out of his...

I really want to spend time with them but I have warned them that I would be much more absent this time than on a normal visit. Maybe if I'm not here as much he will find ways to open up with them and finally have someone to talk with that isn't the EA or his other new BFF, two women with an agenda that is NOT to save my marriage. I have filled them in on much of the DB principles and they agree that pushing him and telling him they think he is screwing up will not work. He may be very surprised if he does open up to find they treat him respectfully and aknowledge that he is a grown up and he has to make his own choices. I will send them another email in the next few days to remind them. I know it is going to be very difficult for his mother not to tell him what to do, she is a lot like me!

Anyway, more later. Gotta get to work!

[a new 2moro]

Indy...you CANT have MC while there is an OW...even just a EA. He would have to give her up to get anything out of it. Your MC should say this!!!!

[indybyathread]

Hmmm. Not sure about that one. He wants to believe that this woman is just a friend. Yes he finds her attractive but nothing ever could or would happen he tells me, because she is married and would not be interested in him in that way. So, officially, she is his best friend, nothing more. I can't demand that he stop communicating with his best friend, right?

On the other hand, if he can start to feel like the marriage matters to him, the MC might be able to help him see why this friendship is unhealthy and maybe he will begin to distance himself from her and her problems. I spoke for quite a long time with this MC and he seems to think that we are starting from pretty common ground here. He did not feel like anything needed to happen before we started. I hope he is right.

[Kali]

Indy

I agree with 2moro, if your H really wants to work on the M, then the OW even if it is an EA needs to be out of the picture. My H told me the same EXACT thing for a year and I chose to believe it. He still to this day insists that there was nothing, they were just friends. Not to freak you out, but now he is out of the house, and she is officially his girlfriend. He can never move forward with you, when he has ties to someone else, no matter what he says about their relationship.

[indybyathread]

Perhaps you are right and I will keep this advice in mind, however, I have to do what feels right for me. If I try it and it doesn't work, it will be my job to re-evaluate and try something new. I promise I am not going forth blindly. I know exactly how he feels about her. I have a pretty good idea of how she feels about him too.

What I have been doing so far seems to be working. I'm not ready to second guess this move just yet. And, nothing I try can be wrong if it feels right to me. The mistake would be to continue if it doesn't help. I've been all about the 180s so I think I will be ready to shift gears entirely if he doesn't seem to respond.

I know neither of you is trying to be negative, both are watching out for my best interest and I am extremely grateful to have your input. I assure you that I will not forget she is there. However, I think now may be the time for him to be able to hear an outside source tell him how dangerous it is to keep this relationship going and might actually agree. It would help you to understand if you knew my H. I can only say that now FEELS like the right time and I am going to go forward with this.

Probably my stubborness and impatience play a role here too but I need to try this while he is showing signs of being ready.

Thank you so much for your candor and your concern. I really do take what you say to heart and I will be very careful. I promise!

[indybyathread]

Just a quick journal update: In laws are here. They have brought the camper they intended to give us last fall before the bomb dropped. I love it and it will give me lots of new ways to get a life. We will be using it tomorrow (all of us, H and in-laws too) for an overnight before they head back to Florida. He has the kids this weekend so, State Park, here I come! Actually, I think I am just going to put it up at my Mom's and play in it. Not sure though. Might grab my big, dumb, sweet as can be but really scary looking dog and head to the woods with new camper and enjoy some nature time.

Anyway, preparing for this visit (and being this close together for so many consecutive days - he's staying here too) has been quite stressful. This weekend I can really get back to focusing on me. I have a new sense of determination. Not sure where it came from. Maybe it is from the support his parents have continued to give me. I know that, once they are gone, I'm going to stick to my guns and limit all contact to business only. I feel much better about really being able to do that today. Hope I still feel that way come Monday!