Cindy and I have had a nice little discussion and debate on this topic. Do MLCers/WAS seek attention or are they cake eating by having OP and keeping the LBS within thier reach? What are some opinions on this?
MLCer are angry at the world, dissalusioned with what they have, and reject their spouses and offspring as the cause.
In a milder case, there may be rejection of the spouse, but still wanting a connection, call it "attention seeking" if you like, but still angry and hateful.
Cake eating, to me, is having and holding onto the spouse, for all the benifits that brings, and having the bonus of Freedom and OP for extras! The midlife secret and not so secret affair.
There are of course those situations where there is no anger or hatred so they are neither "attention seeking" nor "cake eating", but just plain keeping the LBS "sweet" so as to avoid financial ruin, loss of offspring connection and letting them (the LBS) down gently.
There are of course those situations where there is no anger or hatred so they are neither "attention seeking" nor "cake eating", but just plain keeping the LBS "sweet" so as to avoid financial ruin, loss of offspring connection and letting them (the LBS) down gently
That was perfect!
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
yeah...how pray tell do we tell the difference??????
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Cindy and I have had a nice little discussion and debate on this topic.
A debate on the board? Send a link!
I think its both. Sweetheart is a total drama queen--and it I'm not the one who labeled him that.
But he was also into cake. In Fall of 2005 he told me he had the best of both worlds--activities with me and living with OW. And I told him that's why I was removing one of the worlds.
I think Happ_Again may have had a different take on cake-eating. I recal him yelling at Cinderella about it... She'd been getting comments from me and probably others to warn her that it seemed her MLCer was cake-eating. I think this weas causing her to cycle...and ask questions over and over of us on the board. Happy told her to stop worrying over it so much and it seems he may have said to let him have some cake...but not in those words. He may not have even thought it was cake-eating...but her MLCer wanting to be around her.
It's on one of those threads of his--one of the three I think. He had an interesting point and said it well.
Cake eating, to me, is having and holding onto the spouse, for all the benifits that brings, and having the bonus of Freedom and OP for extras!
Yes, but I think it can reverse too. The LBS may be the extras, the OW may be the extras. He splits his life and gives part to each...which part depends on the MLCer.
Hi !! Just thought I'd join in as I did start up a little discussion on this topic.
To be honest - I hate the idea of cake-eating....I think my H may be a MAJOR cake-eater, yet sometimes it does feel as if it is his way of connecting with us.
I DO NOT like it, and I have set boundaries....yet when I read a post by glamgirl saying "kill them with kindness" it got me thinking again about the whole issue!!
I am not spinning at the moment and really HOPE I won't for a while, because it exhausts me....but I would love to hear everyone's take on this !! This time not for myself and my stich, but just to hear other's experiences and points of view. I am in a different place now than when Happy_Again and I had this cake-eating discussion... Nevertheless I'm still curious about this phenomenon !
Simon, I like what you said...RCR - your last post makes a valid point too .....it depends on the MLC'er...
Maybe there is no straightforward answer........
All I've learnt here is that we need to go on for ourselves and our kids and that WE must find the best way possible in this...sometimes cake-eaters make this harder on us....(well in my opinion and on ME)
Cake-eating keeps our hopes up.
Is this realistic ?
WOW - I think many approaches can be taken here........
Last edited by Cinderellaman; 06/29/0703:22 PM.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
quick post I think it depends totally on the MLCer whether it is cake eating or not. I worried about it as I continued to ML with my H while he was living with OW. I became worried that he was cake eating too. I think in a way he was, but in a way he wasn't. He has since told me that the ML was one of the big things that connected us again. He said that each time he left me was harder and harder as he felt emotionally closer and closer to me each time we would. When I finally told him that I couldn't anymore as it was getting too hard on me to watch him leave everytime is when he approached me about coming home. So was that cake eating?? When he was afraid he was going to lose me entirely he made a decision. He actually said he'd made the decision about a month before I told him no more sex, but he just wasn't sure how to go about getting it done. Would he have sat there on the fence forever until either she or I made a move like I did? Would he have just gone on enjoying having both of us? Was it the thought of losing me forever that jolted him along?? Who knows. I probably never will for certain, but I have to think that my situation was a little of both. A little cake eating and a little emotional connection that brought us closer together. I don't think it's as cut and dried as one or the other most times.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
