I have been pondering your situation, and I here is my opinion - but it's just an opinion, okay?
I don't think you should drop the D. If you had LS in Florida, I'd say go with that, but you don't. Remember how he promised to changed, etc when you filled out the papers last time? And then he came home and nothing changed.
He is scared, and this may be what he needs to actually do something about his own issues, but I don't think he will if you don't follow through.
If you can see that he's making a sincere effort in a couple of months, you could always put the D on hold, but I would really wait a bit to see what happens.
I know this is hard on you, and I know how much you want your family to be together. But there's no point taking back an unhealthy man who will bring you all down to his level.
You can always remarry him if it goes as far as divorce. It does happen!
Lisa, I really want what's best for you. Be strong and listen to your gut - you know better than anyone else what to do.
~ Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Nicola has given you good advice. Take things slow. You can always pull the plug on the D at any time. He MUST prove his changes and his passion for them. Remember, ACTIONS. He will be a poor R partner for quite a while as he figures himself out.
I actually would go to a C session with him and be frank and honest to the C. State your desire to maintain a family, but you can not do it with him this way. Lay some must do's on the table and then let B and the C work on B that is why he is there. Let be know you are more than willing to listen as he discovers his challenges and successes. Hopefully, he is choosing a C that will be pro marriage and pro family. We all know what happens if he finds a C that is toxic to the R.
Glad to see you posting again, Thanks for the invites on myspace but my 1999 vintage comp. is about maxed out on memory. I'm lucky that it still works, got it from my former employer, Enron, you may have heard of them. Oh, and the snow covered MN sign melted today, it is 88!!!!
Lisa you are doing great, but don't make a decision on irrational thinking. I know in the beginning when things were spiraling out of control I was making rash decisions right and left. Canceling policies, changing the locks on the doors, canceling cell phones. Gosh you name it, I did it. I look back now and wished I hadn't taken that approach. I just really needed time to step back and let things play out.
I was even meeting with a D lawyer. I am glad now I didn't file. Yeah H is not home, but I still have hope. We are so much further today, than we were a year ago. We may still end up D'ed, but it won't be from a rash decision.
Hey at least your H is open to C and getting help. Many of us here are still waiting for that day. I would love it if H said hey I want to work things out. None of that for me yet!
Last edited by glamgirl; 06/24/0701:57 AM.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Lisa, I think you're doing a great job. Do whatever it takes to take care of those kiddos and give them the best that you've got. The others are right- divorce can always be delayed
Take care of Lisa and your kids. Set boundaries and make them clear to him, AND to you. Make them simple enough to remember. If you still have any hope for reconciliation, tell him that but tell him you have to work on you so that you can be the best for your kids. If he does as he says he's going to do, encourage him along the way and let him know you are not part of his solution. You both have to get healthy before you can take on the task of rebuilding your family.
I posted some new pics and a slide show of my recent trip with the kids and my H. We went as friends. I am not going to do anything other than rebuild our foundation first, he was told this. He has been a different person since he has seen the therapist- right now he is going twice a week.I know b/c he told me this and the therapist asked me to come in with him for a few sessions in a few weeks. I asked her if she is pro-marriage and she is and she said that she counsels along with a preacher here too- which just so happens to be one of our pastors. So my husband is comfortable with her. He told me he has never realized that he didn't have to live with his demons of the past and is learning to let go of his anger against his mom. He actually is going to call her and tell her about his forgiveness , but we both know whe won't care but that is a HUGE step for him. He is also going to rebuild his relationship with his dad. He seems to be getting better, he says this therapy thing is something everyone should do- I told him it is a long road but the pay off is great if he just sticks with it. he sounds really excited,
He wants us back- I am putting the delay on that and am still working with my lawyer. Just in case. He wants us to spend family time together and it worked out good. Just the two of us went to dinner last night and he picked me up and brought me home. He said he was going to woo me again, lol
We'll see what happens- expectations are low and I am unsure of what I want now but I will take my time this time.
Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
beautiful children. You have every right to be proud of them as they reflect well on you, and they will be there for you forever.
Not to dampen good things, but I have to ask you a question or two. What happened last time your h did this, and how 'd you guys get back together? Why didn't it work that time? Why'd it happen in the first place? Why won't it again? How will you handle it if he does this OR SOMETHING ELSE WEIRD/DESTRUCTIVE to you or the kids again?
Notwithstanding his "issues" with his parents, (interesting that both R's are lousy and yet worth rebuilding--I mean if both his parents suck, why bother? Or is it more complicated than that?) Also, since there is a good chance neither R will repair fast if at all, what then? And what about the anger and the incredibly scary messages he left? The ow? What happened to her? How are the boys doing? What are they learning? Don't mistake my questions for a desire to punish your h, although I probably do feel like it. I understand the value of forgiveness quite well. But I fear for you and boundaries and feel that all this is much too fast for what has happened. The whole "2nd" time around with this crap, only this was during your 5TH pregnancy...wow...just having dinner alone with him and even thinking of taking him back already...wasn't the baby just born like 8 weeks ago? And he was where? And said WHAT on the voicemails afterwards? Just seems like Not much time to "recover" meaningfully.
I really am afraid for you. Mainly your heart, and your kids' hearts, and a little b/c I fear your h is far from being healthy enough to father these kids. Has he had a medical check up and or considered getting on some medication? No offense meant. But objectively, his behavior had some of the ugliest wording I've read on THIS bb, and in light of the newborn, the other kids, it was that much more outrageous and disturbing. I really want you to be happy and if he gets better, God bless him and you and your marriage...but if he doesn't, how will you fare?
I apologize for this message as it may hurt to read, but I say it with your interests in mind. God bless, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Gotta say I am with you on this one 25yearsmlc.......totally. At my age (55) I have learned to not be so blind to quick recoveries.
Lisa-I have to say I see this pursuit thing happening all over the place in your situation. You back way off and he comes after you with regret, love and I want yous. You yield and he tears you apart. If he hadn't been so mean and angry I wouldn't be near as concerned.
don't want you to divorce him - not saying that at all. Please be very, very, very cautious. 25yearsmlc asked all the questions I had in my head - purely for your safety and the safety of your children.
Keep strong, Lisa. Let God lead you in all you say and do.
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
