That's wierd you posted on my thread I was just reading your post about the brain diet wondering if I'm strong enough to do it but decided better not right now.
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Gosh inpain, I wish I could hug you right now
Thank you that is really sweet. Sure wish someone would I could really use a hug. I hadn't thought of it how your IC puts it but yes I can see it could be that. Trouble is I think I've given him the low self esteem because these past 3 weeks since I found the letter I have kept on saying "why can't you just say something to make all my pain go away" and "if I said I was leaving would you fight for me like I fought for you?" I cringe when I think I've said those things but I'm afraid I have. I was in a lot of pain when I said them and now it has made him doubt things and I can't take back what I said and I'm in even more pain than ever. It sucks. He is still at work - a 10 hour shift but thankfully only 2.5 hours left to go - if he finishes on time. Although I don't know why I'm counting it down as though its the end of my misery when he gets in because I'm sure it won't be I'm sure he'll still say the same things. The really odd thing is he seems to think the things he's saying are reassuring???? How is I don't think I'll leave but I don't know for sure reassuring? He even said the dreaded "its not you its me" sentence before he left for work. Mmm seem to remember hearing that EVERY time I've ever been dumped.
Oh my god IP, I've just read the first post of this thread. I feel totally sick, as if it were me who had found the letter. I sort of know how you feel because while we were separated i found a note in my H wallet, all it said was "i love you with all my heart". I was devastated. At the time i didn't tell him i had found it but i asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He was adamant that there was no-one else. I gave him so many opportunities to be honest with me and he always said that there was no-one.
I haven't read any more of your thread but how are you at the moment??
He even said the dreaded "its not you its me" sentence before he left for work. Mmm seem to remember hearing that EVERY time I've ever been dumped.
When you say every time you've been dumped do you mean in past R's? If so, what do all those R's have in common?
Maybe it is you and not him .... this sounds harsh, but you're coming over as needy and clingy and it's not attractive. I know you do realise this, but it's getting your brain to "get" it, for it to sink in. Please read Men are from Mars ... see if any of it fits with you. if you've already read it, read it again.
Yes I have said your H needs to step up to the mark but I have also said he isn't going to right now. he does not have the strength to right now.
ENOUGH! on beating you up - you seem to do a very good job of beating yourself up a lot. How is YOUR self esteem? Please think about this one....
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Yeah I felt physically sick when I read it too. As for how I am now I've cried all day every time S hasn't been looking. I feel as bad as I did the day he left. Thanks for checking in it really is great to hear from you again.
When you say every time you've been dumped do you mean in past R's? If so, what do all those R's have in common?
Yes I did mean in past relationships. What they have in common is that all the guys were sagitarians so I guess I really should stay clear of them! (wow I mustered up some humour from somewhere) and other than that I was dumped every single time. Maybe I need to look at them more honestly with my new DB head to see what else they had in common.
I am needy and clingy right now yes. In fact desparate would be more like it. Desparate to not have to go through last year again. Desparate for my little boy to grow up in a family unit with his mummy and daddy, and desparate for the man I love to love me back. I know its not attractive but I just can't help how I feel. I haven't read mars/venus book I'll try get a copy if you think it'll help.
You are right he doesn't have the strength just like he didn't before but unfortunately this time I don't think I have either.
As for my self esteem. Its zero and pretty much always has been when I've been in a R. Oddly it seems to be really good when I'm not in one and I've never really fathomed out why that is.
Oh NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I am a Sagittarian!!! Really - m b'day is Dec 12th ... oops!!
O-kay .... I have some more things to say ...
"I can't help how I feel" you can - can you control your thoughts? Generally, your thoughts control your feelings, and you can control your thoughts, ergo to some extent you can control your feelings. Takes mastering though. I have something for you, will post in next post.
OK - self esteem - low in R's, high out of them. It does seem odd ... one for you to think about I'd say. Might be some interesting answers there?
Also, I know I've suggested this before but I'll say it again. It might help you to get some individual C. I wouldn't suggest Relate, I don't think they are that great to be honest. But you can do 2 things: 1. go and see your GP or pref a practice nurse. The latter at my surgery are WONDERFUL people, one helped me a bit through the M crisis, a new one is helping me with my fat tummy and stopping smoking. 2. or, look up a concellor on bacp.co.uk.
please think about doing this, it might just be helpful.
OK .. off to find something to help, bear with me
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Oh NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I am a Sagittarian!!! Really - m b'day is Dec 12th ... oops!!
Ooops! Sorry! My 1st H's b'day was the 12th Dec - spooky!
Anything you can post to help I really would appreciate Jen, as I said earlier I don't want to tell anyone I know in case H stays - I don't want them to hate him again they're only just coming round to him.
I do know what you're saying about controlling my thoughts but the trouble at the minute is that as H can't tell me what the problem is and if it is going to result in him leaving my thoughts are all pessimistic/I don't really know what to think.
I have thought about why my self esteem plumits in a R and I think it is because I just get so afraid that its going to end and I'm going to be hurt because I always seem to fall really hard for people and every one of them has hurt me. I've never dumped anyone.
Can you get C on the NHS then? or do you mean the nurse talked to you and helped. We really have no cash at all to spare to pay for a C otherwise I would have gone months ago believe me. I haven't gone to Relate as I've heard they're pretty rubbish too.
I really appreciate your help even when it is "beating me up" as I know you mean well by them, thanks.
Right - got this from a book on losing weight using CBT .. but it fits pretty well with DB'ing. I hope I'm not breaking any copyright laws!!!!
Unhelpful thinking patterns & what to do about them:
1. Question the thought 2. Expand your thinking
How?
top 10 questions for thoughts: 1. What is the evidence for this thought? What is the evidence against it? 2. What are some other ways of thinking about this situation? 3. How would another person see this situation?What would I say to my best friend if they were in the same situation? 4. What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way? 5. When I am not feeling this way, do i think about this type of situation differently? How? 6. Am I asking questions that have no answers? 7. 5 years from now, if I look back at this situation, will I look at it any differently? Will I pay attention to other parts of the situation that I'm ignoring now? 8. Are there any small things which show my thoughts aren't true? Am I ignoring them or not taking them seriously? 9. Am I blaming myself for something over which I do not have complete control? Am I forgetting that other people are responsible for their own behaviour and I'm not responsible for what they do? 10. Am I always thinking that things will go badly? Am I exagerting how bad things would be if they did go wrong?
Expanding your thinking aim to find 3 alternative thoughts about the situation. For example, for me personally (Jen jam, that is), I am hoping to gradually drop my weight down to a healthy level (I'm 5'7" and weigh 15 stones ) Tonight, I ate 7 of those small flake bars that go into 99 ice creams. Whoops.I started to think "well, I've been chubby for years now, yes I did manage to drop to 12 stone but that was a fluke and it helped with H walking out, I managed to drop 7lbs in a week, but that situation wont' happen again so I'll have to put up with being fat and happy." My alternative thoughts are: 1. I cannot predict the future, so i can't say I will always be fat or happy 2.I managed to drop to 12 stone so there's every chance I could do that again 3. a few choc bars do not make people fat. many choc bars and no exercise does. I did 90 mins of exercise at the gym today and only ate a few choc bars. it isn't so bad.
So .... what do you think? I don't expect you to post answers to all these questions, it's just a starting point for you to get thinking about yourself and a bit more self aware.
From where I am sitting I can see a strong, thoughtful, tender, caring lady who while she does let things get her down is quick to laugh and really appreciates the beauty of the world. I don't see much to have low self esteem about. I hope you can get yourself to where I'm sitting (figuratively speaking, it wouldn't do to have you sitting on my lap at the PC, how on earth would I explain it to my H?).
And finally ... booklist. Mars/venus is good. there is another good one I read - Your Erronerous Zones by Wayne Dyer. Jeff223 rcommende it to me when I first got here, to help me through my low self esteem. It was tough. I am not a really confident person still, it's funny there is a woman at work who when she talks to me I just feel so dim and little .. not her fault at all, there are just people who seem to have that affect on me ... maybe the name-calling and ostricisation I went through age 9-12 (I had no friends and used to beg god to let me die in the night)... but I can get thought this .. my past does NOT rule my present and therefore it won't rule my future... sorry rambling now and made myself cry a bit ... I always do when I remember how sh1t life was when I was a kid... sorry
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
yes, it's not great as in you might wait quite a bit and they only do office hours, so it was difficult for me working full time, but if you're not working or part timing should be OK.
I'd enquire at the docs. I don't know how good they will be, ours is great. Have a hunt round on the web - look up your local NHS authority, google the First Steps website, but if you feel up to it I'd recommend making an appointment with your nurse if poss and hope you don't get a dragon!!! it's all free. private C sessoins cost about £35-£55, that's why I only did a few - too pricey
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Wow, thanks Jen! I have printed all that out to refer to as I intend to really sit and think about it all tonight when S is in bed using that strategy. I think it sounds like it would help.
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I hope you can get yourself to where I'm sitting (figuratively speaking, it wouldn't do to have you sitting on my lap at the PC, how on earth would I explain it to my H?).
I think I will get the two books you mention too as I must admit since I have not been reading any self help books (like everyone I read loads of them during the sep) I do feel a bit helpless.
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maybe the name-calling and ostricisation I went through age 9-12 (I had no friends and used to beg god to let me die in the night)... but I can get thought this .. my past does NOT rule my present and therefore it won't rule my future... sorry rambling now and made myself cry a bit ... I always do when I remember how sh1t life was when I was a kid... sorry
(((Jen))) I'm so sorry, I know what you mean. When my H has asked me in the past why I'm so clingy and don't have any friends I tell him I think it is because of my school life. I hated it too. Not the actual schooling as I was/am very intelligent (not trying to blow any trumpets btw) but that was kind of the problem. Everyone picked on me, called me a swot picked on my looks, told me noone would ever want to go out with me etc, etc and to be honest I never had a "boyfriend" as in the playground type when you're really young and you say your boyfriend and girlfriend, hold hands round the playground for 2 lunchtimes or maybe a couple of weeks and then thats it. This went on like you from about 9/10 until about 14 when all the offenders decided to grow up a bit. I had a song I made up that I used to sit in my bedroom and sing that basically went "nobody loves me, everyone hates me, nobody loves me baby now." It was really what I felt and I've never thought about it until you just mentioned it that maybe that is why I have low self esteem when I'm in a R. Maybe its because everyone (even my brother but that's siblings for you when your young) used to taunt me saying I'd never have a boyfriend. Maybe its just planted in my brain people don't really want to be with me. I do know for sure that it is why I don't/can't make friends easily. The whole experience has made me so shy of what to say to people because I think they won't like me that I don't really say much at all when I first meet them. I spent most of my childhood playing on my own at home so have kind of just stuck with that really. You've really switched on a light bulb here as to what my problem might be Jen, you really have. Thank you. Don't cry too much, just think of how much better than them you are now. You've saved your M and are continuing to help others save theirs and doing a damn fine job of it - how great are you!!??
I didn't know you could get free C about this sort of thing on NHS, although £35 or so doesn't sound too bad if like you say just having a few.
Thanks so much again Jen you really are a saviour.
It was really what I felt and I've never thought about it until you just mentioned it that maybe that is why I have low self esteem when I'm in a R. Maybe its because everyone (even my brother but that's siblings for you when your young) used to taunt me saying I'd never have a boyfriend. Maybe its just planted in my brain people don't really want to be with me. I do know for sure that it is why I don't/can't make friends easily. The whole experience has made me so shy of what to say to people because I think they won't like me that I don't really say much at all when I first meet them. I spent most of my childhood playing on my own at home so have kind of just stuck with that really. You've really switched on a light bulb here as to what my problem might be Jen, you really have. Thank you. Don't cry too much, just think of how much better than them you are now. You've saved your M and are continuing to help others save theirs and doing a damn fine job of it - how great are you!!??