Hi everyone, I'm new here, I'm usually over in Midlife Crisis. Quick re-cap, I was snooping and found out about H EA with OW, H left March '06, we have D10 together and have been married 4 years. After a few months, H said him leaving had nothing to do with OW, it was all my fault. November 2006, I asked H if he was in R with OW and he said he didn't know what was going on between them. I have not uttered the name of OW since then. Today I found an "i love you" note from OW in H's overnight bag (which was at the house because he was watching D10). I want to ask H for my own closure if he's in R with OW, if they are having sex and if they are living together. I think I just want to know for my own closure. We are meeting with L tomorrow to go over D details. Is it ok to ask H what is going on with him and OW?
I had to prove to my H I had some solid evidence before he would admit anything. We are separated. He said that they aren't seeing each other anymore, but I don't believe him. He has told me so many lies. We own a business and I believe he wants me to think it is over so I woulddn't try to get the business if we divorce.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Hi yoyo, My H has been pretty forthcoming with me about things, but ONLY if I ask. I found out about OW through MySpace and when I confronted him, he admitted he had feelings for her. I also found out that he had no interest in M with me and admitted that too when I confronted him. He did not have the balls to say a word to me about it. He obviously doesn't have the balls now. A part of me wants to know what is going on for my own closure and another part of me just wants to sit back and let him self destruct.
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He said that they aren't seeing each other anymore, but I don't believe him.
Do you think you could ever believe him or trust him again?
Unbroken, I tried so hard at firt to get him back, I did all of the wrong things, crying, pleading, doormat, and trying to reason with him. We have been separate For several months he was coming home and staying the night with me several nights a month. He has mentioned D about 3 times, but has never filed. So I really don't know where this is going to go. Right now I am doing my best to act as if, going semi-dark. Only calling him when it is absolutely necessary.
Now having said that I often wonder if I could ever trust him not to do this again. I'm not saying I wouldn't give it a chance if there was hope, but I think he would have to show remorse which so far has not done.
This is the most difficult thing I have ever been through.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Unbroken: is the D a for sure thing or just a maybe right now? I would go ahead and ask him if you feel you really need to know, but I probably wouldn't do it at the lawyer's office. Can you see if he would go to lunch w/ you or something?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hi CM and YoYo, Thanks for checking on me YoYo! I decided not to ask H about OW with some advice from a friend. I was probably too emotional about it at the time and really, what difference would it make? I decided to act as if I saw nothing and walking into the L's office with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step and cracking jokes. It worked for the time being because about 3 hours after our appt., he TMd to ask me if I got a new tattoo (which is completely out there because there was nothing on me that could even look like a tattoo) and made reference to a joke that was made in the L office. I told him no. So, he was either checking in with me to see if I was really "ok" with the whole thing or he was just reaching out a little.
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is the D a for sure thing or just a maybe right now?
It's pretty much a sure thing CM. I don't see any sign of H turning back or having second thoughts.
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Can you see if he would go to lunch w/ you or something?
I'm scared to even ask. About a week ago, we made arrangements to talk about D at the house while D10 was with a babysitter and it was very awkward.
It all feels pretty hopeless. I think he is too far gone to ever want to come back. Any advice or thoughts are welcome! Thanks! UB
UB, Sorry I cannot give you much advice I am at the same spot you are at. My W filed and we have a court day set for the 22nd of this month. You, like me, need to figureout what is best for your daughter. I am having a hardtime determining what is best for them. My W feels that she should have them with her and I get the short-end of the time with them. I need to figureout what I should fight for and what is not worth it. I feel my girls and their future are worth fighting for, but it might be a losing battle for me.
Here is my advice. Keep your focus on your daughter. GAL. PMA
ERC, I definitely keep D10 at the top of my list! That's why I get so angry sometimes. I just don't understand how a parent can leave their children!!! So, H is not "feeling" ga ga over me right now...so, he has to leave the only stable thing in his life? I don't know if I will ever understand. I know, it's not for me to understand...H definitely has his own sh!t to work out!
Do you feel your W is stable enough to take care of your girls?
I agree that we do not understand how our S's can act the way that they are. I have read enough on A that I do understand her behaviour. They knowingly are bringing a lot of pain and suffering onto the people that love them the most. I think they have latched on to something that was missing or thought to be missing from their life. They grab hold of it thinking that it leads them to the great place of happiness that Hollywood has painted. The reality of all of this is that place does not exist. Sure the romantic love at the beginning of a relationship is strong but that fades. I believe that having to deal with this new life it will fade even faster for them this time around. They have to deal with the pain that they caused, the new parenting schedule, and the economics of divorce. While they are in lalaland they cannot see this at all.
As for my W being a good mother yes she is always has been. Though over the last 6 months she has had no problems leaving our kids with me and going to work or take time for herself. I think my W is being more of a friend to our girls rightnow then their mother. This obviously concerns me since they still need discipline and structure in their lives, but I she is not being a negligent parent.
