I'm trying to deal with the hurt and betrayal I feel after being lied to for over 12 years by a person I trusted comepletely.
Quote "I only did married stuff with you because thats what I was supposed to do... it was never what I really wanted to do..."
and yet I remember so many times she seemed so happy and pleased... I have lived a lie for so long...
Yes she still wants the happy little parts of me to be avilable to her when she feels like it... to be able to share that sense of family she used to have with me... but its so hollow to me knowing:
Quote "I made a concious CHOICE to not love you... I know I did... I know it could have worked if I had just tried... but I just wouldn't"
Quote "Now I do things together with my BF because I want to because it's what I want to do not what I feel like I have to do"
She CHOSE to destroy the heart and soul of a good man and ruined my Childrens family because she just wouldn't.
What a horrible selfish ignorant person that I had the missfortune of giving my heart away to.
She is trying to spend more time with the Kids on "My time" I have been allowing this to try to help rebuild ther relationship but my daughter has already told me "thats nice... but it is HER time with her mom that she doesn't want her moms BF around for..."
I suspect that soon my Daughter will give her mom the choice of Her or her BF that lives to far away.
My Daughter already will not go and stay over at his place with her mom...
My Daughter will also not go stay with her Grandparents so her mom can go be with her BF on her time (daughters)
My daughter will not go with them on hoilidays.
She wants to have activities here at home with her friends not spend her time in the car driving back and forth.
I used to have a policy that I would NEVER take the kids so my Ex could go fool around with her BF on their time... but she kept dumping the kids at her Parents so I backed off so my kids could feel like they have at least one parent who loves them best.
I wonder if I should return to this policy... My Ex over the past year has only returned the time I have given to her by 1 day to 3 in ratio.
Should I adhere to the schedule we have strictly? But I won't force my daughter to go with her mom to visit her BF.
I don't care about her and I anymore... but she needs to do a REAL reality check on her life or her daughter will giver her one.
Its going to eb a hard morning I go to my Lawyers to get the Divorce started/filed whatever...
Only very minor changes to what Ex and I had agreed upon. I dont want to start a big fight over anything that we have worked out and been reasonable about.
No setting in stone times for holidays only a 60 day requirement for scheduling holidays.
It is a 100 % joint custody situaiton with my home being the primary Res.
No money or property issues left to discuss.
Hopefully there will be no fighting over what has been placed there.
Rok, I know how sick you must be feeling, and so disappointed in your W. She hasn't only let you and your kids down, but herself. How could someone who made those kind of choices (consciously), live with themselves. Eventually, it all catches up, I think.
I wouldn't worry about feeling you lived a lie for 12 years, because your W is just rewriting history to suit herself. I am sure she was perfectly happy being married to you, and loved having a family. Something got twisted in her head, and she has to find a way to justify her actions. I remember my H telling his OW how he had always loved her (they went to high school together, and hadn't seen each other since leaving ... still haven't and she never sent him photos, but they had this R for over a year, including phone sex ... it was really wild). However, he had said those same words to me. He also told her that he thought about her all the time ... just lies. I asked him just recently why he could say those things to her, but has said them to me many times in our M ... he doesn't even remember saying them to her, and says if he did, he was just in crazy mode. So, it's all words spewing out of her mouth ... doesn't mean they're true (even if she's convinced herself they are), or are of any value except the amount they hurt. Yes, she is selfish right now because she isn't her true self right now.
You know the truth, and that's all that counts. You have an awesome D10, and I'm sure she is a brilliant big sister too. Our children make it all worthwhile, don't they?! You are strong, and are a great dad. You have done so much to try and fix your M, working on yourself, but everyone has a point at which they know enough is enough. It sounds like you had a good meeting with your L, and I'm glad you are gong out of your way to avoid conflict ... best for the children.
Have some fun this weekend, and get some laughs to take your mind off things.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Camping is always fun, especially if you have some chocolate, marshmallows, graham crackers, a good fire, and the kids! A fantastic recipe, indeedy.
Sorry about the age mistake ... I know how annoyed my D14 gets when people make that mistake. Still, your D12 sounds very mature for her age. She sure is a gem.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Some news, Took my daughter to her first concert last week we had a great time. She asked to stay home from school the next day, she is an honor student and works hard in class and gets her homework done, so I said ok.
So Thursday May 14th I texted my Ex and said daughter was at my place and was skipping out on school for that day.
I got a phone call back from her right away giving me some grief over that choice... I explained my reasons.
She said our daughter is on punishment at her house for something and asked if that could continue at my house, I agreed, no arguments about parenting in that regard.
Then she said ok about the school, issue as long as I wasn’t giving my daughter more power then she should have to make certain choices...
She gave me crap about how my daughter was complaining about not seeing her mom enough and that she chose to let her go to the concert with me on her time… she did mention she had taken the kids on some nights that were “my time”
I replied no she has no choice about school... I made a judgment call and let her stay home.
She has No choice about not going to school its other things that she as the power to choose.
My ex replied... I thought we put that to rest that she couldn't choose not to come see me...
I said no she has the choice in that matter...
My Ex then asked me if I had talked to my lawyer yet... I said yes I have he is making up the papers.
She panicked on the phone I could hear her voice change:
"I think I have made a mistake"
I replied "I have said that this has been a mistake all along"
She said Ok we should talk about this later...
So she shows up at my house to drop the kids off and I invited her in to talk...
She tells me the invite on Friday wasn't about seeing the kids... it was about seeing me...
She would like to try to see if there is something between us...
I at this point I was moving on “done with her”... but I am willing to listen... just to see this was what I had wanted from her for so very long…
She laid out a plan to take things slowly and gave me dates and suggested that once a week we do things together… That she would like to talk to me a little bit every day
I told her I am not a Yoyo… and I won’t be a second class friend… that I can’t even be friends with her because of her BF and his controlling attitude… that he can’t even accept that I would be at Lacrosse with her and my kids sitting together… That he got angry and made her cry over that… That that is so wrong… I am a REALITY in your life I am permanent… my presence is not OPTIONAL. I won’t go behind someone’s back…
I asked her what that meant between them… ( Her and BF )
She replied to me that it meant that she would need to put him and her on hold or break it off with him.
I said ok and left it at that.
I invited her for Dinner Saturday Night., I was told that wouldn’t work because the BF was coming up… I said Ok how about Sunday then.
She agreed.
She showed up Sunday very quiet and sheepish I had supper ready she was there for maybe 45 mins it was a nice time… Our daughter asked her if she would like to play a game with us she said no and headed out.
I asked her what was going on… her reply was… “No matter what I do… someone gets hurt” I just gave her a Hug and tried to let her know I understood.
So for the past few days I have messaged her a little bit and gotten only terse replies back.
Tonight the kids went back to her place and because of an extra Lacrosse practice I brought my daughter over there later.
We had a talk I asked her if she had talked to him yet she told me no… I couldn’t hide the disappointment I felt…
She said “It’s not an easy thing to just cut it off with him… when things are bad with him I think they were never like that with you… but then when the issues with him die down… my feelings with you die down to”
“I am so afraid to make a choice… no matter what I do someone gets hurt… But I know I need to choose… but I’m so confused”
“It’s scary to not be able to talk with you to not have you around… to not be your friend”
NOTE: WHAT THE HELL… It seemed to me that she had made a choice… that she chose to try to work things out with me. I Guess that was just another lie.
She continued “My feelings were genuine when I said them… I panicked it’s just so scary and overwhelming… just the more I think about it it’s just so much work…”
Then she proceeded to tell me why she left “I felt like I was with you but I was single parent… you didn’t participate with the kids… I did all the washing and cleaning and cooking”
NOTE: I cam home very night, spent time with my family, I paid all the bills, I mowed the lawn, I plowed the snow, I fixed up anything that was wrong with the house, I helped with the dishes every night I would help fold laundry. The car she drives and the down payment she made on the house she owns are because I DID my part and made a living and supported my family.
She continued “And now I see my daughter doing those things at your house, doing the dishes cleaning, laundry, making school lunches, dong homework with her brother, she bosses her brother around I have to tell her its ok to be a kid I disagree with how you do things it’s like you have made her into your new little “wife” I see how I would like things to be for my kids and I know I would come back and could make things that way but things still feel the same way with you and me ”
NOTE: If my Daughter is so bad off at my house… why would she choose to be with me Over her mother and consider my house her home and not feel that way about her Moms place.
I was VERY hurt by this… and I told her so… “How things work at my home is “Teamwork” everyone helps out and has their own jobs. I changed my whole life to be about my kids… I spend my time with them, doing things with them trying to let them have fun yet teach them they have responsibilities to”
She tells me “she needs to feel proud to be with me and she doesn’t feel that way… that outside the kids we have no similar interests together…”
NOTE: We need the chance to let those interests develop… it just won’t happen overnight
I replied “We use to work out and that was nice… I was thinking about things we could do together”
She said “Yeah but working out all you would do is talk and talk at me… I never felt I could talk… like I was overwhelmed”
I was stunned “I ask you about your day all the time… I want to know… I want you to talk to me…”
She said “look… none of these discussions between us ever resolve anything… they just make me want to walk away from you and not look back… I will be at the Gym tomorrow at 9 it would be nice if you would come…”
I said… “I don’t want to be doing things with you behind someone else’s back…and so I’m a second class friend””
She replied “I’m not really doing anything with you behind someone else’s back… I talk with you more then I talk with any of my other friends …. It’s late… ”
Meaning she still had to call her BF back.
I just left, didn’t say goodbye just walked out the door.
I don’t know what I should do… should I show up at the gym tomorrow… I’m very angry… I’m angry with myself… I let her Yoyo me again… let myself trust her one more time and I get burned for it.
I feel like I should tell her to get lost…. That how I do things at my place is none of her business I don’t think she does a good job with the kids when they are with her… spending the past year taking more time for herself than for her kids… dragging them down for sleepovers to her BFs place or having him up here so much that my daughter no longer wants anything to do with her mom and her moms BF.
What a mess… Just when I had cut the ties… I let her do this to me one more time. What is wrong with me… Did I just wanted to believe in her to believe she could make things work, that she would really try.
Im struggling now with waiting and seeing again or Moving on, Im so cranky now tho... that moving on maybe all I have left.
Your XW sounds like she's very much in a world of her own. She is remaking history, and acting the victim in your marital past, IMHO. I think you should back off (go as dark as possible), and not discuss any dating or seeing each other, until she has resolved the OM issue. I've always thought that one cannot be friends once separated ... friendly and civil yes, but let's face it, what kind of friend does this to your family? In time, one can try, after all the hurt and confusion is over, but it's too soon. The ball, as I see it, is in her court, but she is trying to play both sides of the net. Can't be done.
I think you're doing an awesome job as a dad, and the kids are responding in a positive manner. They know why their family is breaking up, so why would they be proud of her?
Anyway, you know what's best for your sitch! Think on things, and continue with the GAL, and being there for your kids.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
The bull of the rewriting of history was just abusive last night… and I let her feed me right into it… I had some friends I talked with who gave me crap for letting her affect me and they were correct. I am feeling better with the world this aft. But I need to reestablish the distance like you said BM.
The OM issue needs to be resolved and sooner then later... The longer she keeps dragging that out the harder it will be and our daughter will resent her for it. Allready she has said she wont go with her mom to his palce and wont stay there if she comes over when she is home.
I asked what she wanted from me...
"For you to back off just enjoy and take things slowly"
Part of the discussion today included two questions from me that I needed answered:
Question # 1 was put like this about the OM “That it is not a matter of when but a matter of If she would be cutting things off from him…?”
Her reply was that she could not just do it on the phone… which bothered me because she had the chance to do it over the weekend… Apparently she needs more time to sort it out…
So what is a reasonable length of time for her to break things off from him…. How long do I give her? Before I say Ok your not doing what you said you would… time for the Divorce time to move on…
Question # 2 What’s the point of us doing this hanging out… spending time together… Do you want to rebuild things to a relationship standpoint…? I understand that nothing is set in stone in this regard… but this is important to me I need to know if its worth my time…
Yes was the answer but it was a hesitant one… Again whats the time frame.
I replied that means accepting me for who I am…
She replied yes and I have some issues with that… but I also have issues accepting myself for who I am…
I asked well do you think counseling would be a good idea for us?
She said yes in a little while…
She said today was nice… that having something to do was much better then sitting together dragging up old stuff between us who hurt who in what way.
So I am getting these vague statements about possibilities and suggestions that things might change in the future…
Am I being strung along here… is this just a ploy to keep me on the line until she is fed up with her BF and ready to move along…
I know if her BF knew we were having supper together, hanging out, going to the Gym or having this discussion he would freak out and likely dump her… I would so love to be able to give him all my Posts and let him read all the stuff that has gone on behind the scenes with her that he is not aware of. If course that would just backfire but I doubt he would be sticking around.
