You're right that there is NOT the complicated baggage between parent and child as with their spouse. So yes, my xH would indeed feel safer to make himself vulnerable to him than me.
I am just highly sensitive to all of this...once bitten twice shy. And certainly that would hold equally true for my xH.
As the joke goes...how do porcupines mate...VERY carefully!
I'm truly not sure WHAT I want. Sometimes it just makes me so sad b/c we could be enjoying this wonderful stage of life together.
After all the challenges and loss we survived we both deserve some time in the sunshine! And there is no one else I would want to share it with.
But a reality check makes that seem fairly ridiculous. And I am an all or nothing type person with important relationships. And I don't need him as my friend. And IMHO that is not what our karmic relationship is about or meant to be.
I have always believed/known that it is an unfinished story. But what the next chapter is going to be...I don't know b/c I don't see any foreshadowing.
Clearly when a couple as deeply connected as we were -- and whose relationship involved such an important mission is so suddenly and completely severed -- to the point that the we have only seen each other in person ONCE in 10 years (8 years ago) since the divorce...that is unusual and curious even.
And for the next meeting to take place at a WEDDING...our son's wedding. And that we will be walking down the aisle together...WHEW!
IMO that is a very strange way -- even a heavy-handed way for God to arrange things. Almost like the God-equivalent of locking us in a room together or getting us stuck in an elevator to force us to interact.
I tend to think that it is b/c the Lord knows just how stubborn and prideful we both are -- and that He knew that ONLY an event like this would compel us BOTH to show up -- and be unable to avoid the meeting. A meeting that I guess God does want to happen and deems important.
Now for what result? Who knows. But what is abundantly clear is that it is IMPORTANT to God that this take place. So that kind of scares me b/c I know we can't run from our destiny. We may be able to postpone it. But we do not escape it.
(And in truth, it is ME who is the resistant one. And as my son likes to often point out-- my xH is behaving like a normal person -- and that I am the problem child in this scenario! I am clearly the one being almost dragged kicking and screaming to the table.)
Hi Summer, Thanks for encouraging me about my stand, and for the Restore Ministries info. I wonder why her H left again. That was sad.
Yes, I saw the Christian song CD as a sign too. Thanks for all your input about my H's visit. Yes, it certainly was very special and it still brings happy thoughts to me.
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(And in truth, it is ME who is the resistant one. And as my son likes to often point out-- my xH is behaving like a normal person -- and that I am the problem child in this scenario! I am clearly the one being almost dragged kicking and screaming to the table.)
These words that you posted in response to someone else struck a cord in me. I definitely see your resistance. I know that with God's help, you will overcome the fear of getting hurt again. I know that women are vulnerable to fear - afraid of getting hurt again. I learned this from "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking" by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love.
I can see that you are trying hard to do the right thing, ever persevering. That is something to be admired. Take care, PH
I've just turned 60 and in a very loving relationship with a woman who knows how to give love and receive love. I am so lucky. I work very hard on this relationship.
I was married 32 years when my wife dropped the bomb in 2000. We've been divorced almost 4 years now. We have three terrific children and enjoy two grandchildren. They all mean the world to me.
My wife comes from a family that is pretty dysfunctional in that neither of her parents ever told her they loved her. Not as a child and nor as an adult. Even when her mother was dying she was unable to tell her only daughter that she loved her. Her dad is now 87 and still can't bring himself to say the words. How dare they called themselves parents. This is not something that my x shared with me until after she dropped the bomb. Her youngest brother is an alcoholic and her other brother has been in therapy for decades because of his relationship with his parents. A very sad situation.
Like you, during the last 7 years I've discovered that my only purpose for being on this earth is to give love and receive love. Nothing else much matters. I grew up in a loving home and have also had to deal with the death of both my parents during this divorce. I think I've survived because of this purpose. BTW, I've been interested in Buddhism for almost 6 years now.
Last month was my grandson's birthday and my x was there. She and my current partner had a lovely time together. They must have talked for over an hour while I was standing nearby. I was happy about that. We've got another birthday coming up next week for my granddaughter. It'll be interesting to see if both women have another visit. I say that because my x's behavior isn't consistent with people. She has good days and not so good days. Some days when I run into her she's very cold towards me. She works as a dental hygenist in my dentist's office. I try and make sure that she doesn't work inside my mouth on bad days. :-)
I have no control over how my x behaves anymore than I have control over all others. I know that I'm not the source of her unhappiness (or happiness). Happiness is a state of mind. She's the only one who can control her mind. BUT, I can impact her mind by letting her know that I still care for her very much and that there will always be in my heart. It's not the same love that I held for 32 years, but it's still love for someone who was in my life for a very long time. I work very hard on this friendship with my x.
Hey, Summer. This story was told at my church and your post made me think of it.
A group of people are out on a boat. The boat takes on water and starts to sink. Several people climb into a dinghy but one man just says, "God will provide" and stays in the water. The folks in the dinghy are rescued and send a helicopter for the man. He refuses the help, saying, "God will provide." Finally, a cruise ship comes by and offers to rescue the man. Again, he refuses, saying, "God will provide." The man drowns. He goes to Heaven, where he meets God. He says, "God, how could you let me drown?" And God replies, "What do you mean 'let you drown'? I sent you a dinghy, a helicopter and a cruise ship!"
I firmly believe that God sends us corrective measures when we're off our path, or methods of rescue if we're really in trouble. Each time, there is something for us to look at, address and change. It just that God's help sometimes comes in forms we're not prepared for.
I think God nudges us at first, then pokes a little harder, and, if we're still not getting the message, sometimes we get whacked over the head. (Oprah used this example and I think it's great). What I've tried to do in my life is be conscious of the nudges... to be aware of the dinghy, the helicopter or the cruise ship in my life... and get out of my own way so I can let God's will unfold. Not my own will. Which, as you know, is what surrender is all about.
I don't know why Dan left Erin the 2nd time after 17 years. That is one thing she strangely hasn't shared with us. I wish she would b/c obviously her experience would shed light on the pitfalls of restored marriage -- even long-time restored marriages. And this time he married the OW. Dan went to his HS reunion and I think she was his HS sweetheart. Two marriages were broken up so these 2 lovebirds could reunite. Sad story.
But Erin's refusal to illuminate us on why she thinks this happened bothers me b/c she is SO open about everything -- and I mean EVERYTHING else that ever happened or is happening in her life. So this is a glaring omission. And it jumps out at me for that reason. She is a person of integrity so I am disappointed in how she handled the telling of this chapter of her life.
And I think she should own up to her part in why the restored marriage failed. There is so much there that could really help many people. Perhaps someday she will tell us the truth of what happened the 2nd time around.
And you have every reason to be encouraged. You are still so fresh on the path to restoration so you haven't had the time to make too many mistakes yet! And you are certainly connected with very good sites to guide you. I have a good feeling about you!
I know I am being resistant and I do need to address it pronto. I may be battling the wrong enemy. Thank you for your advice that with God's help I will overcome the fear of getting hurt again. That certainly IS where the terror stems from indeed. And thank you for understanding and acknowledging that I am trying hard to do the right thing. And yes persevering...ever persevering. I am patient and persevering if nothing else!
I will check into the book: "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking" the title alone is intriguing!
Thanks! I've heard that story before only with a flood and a man on his roof -- and a boat and helicopter!
Ok, I'll bite. So my story reminded you of this...b/c??
Am I the man in the boat?
Refusing to see or pay attention to God's nudges?
If so, what are the nudges you see that I am missing?
Because Oprah's: first God drops a pebble...then a brick...and then the whole house -- I have already lived through once before and I NEVER want to again.
So I am very serious -- if you see pebbles and/or bricks that I am missing...PLEASE illuminate it for me. I NEVER want that damn house falling on me again b/c I MISSED the pebbles and the bricks!!!
And a good reminder that God comes in forms we sometimes aren't prepared for. Sometimes we are sitting focused on the front door -- and God sneaks in the back door or slides down the chimney or through a window upstairs.
I really am worried that my resistance is really just my own obstinance or worse. That does worry me.
But then on the other hand I took a long drive today -- and it just became almost comical to me that there is ANY discussion that restored marriage is even in the mix.
It is truly ludicrous b/c trust me there has not been one drop of any interest from my xH. NONE. NADA...ever. Not any in 10 years. So I just don't think I am missing something. There have been no signs of land. Trust me...none.
Thanks for sharing your story. You have been through a lot. And it is wonderful that you seem to have been blessed with a new, loving and kind partner. A relationship that you work hard to maintain and nurture. You are indeed lucky and you know it so you won't take it for granted.
How truly sad that your wife's family is so closed off from their emotions. I have no doubt they love her very much. It is tragic that they can't tell her even now. Sad.
It is wonderful that you've discovered that your only purpose for being on this earth is to give love and receive love. And that nothing else much matters -- b/c you're right...really what else matters?
You were blessed that you grew up in a loving home. And how difficult it must have been to have also had to deal with the death of BOTH your parents during the divorce. I also find great solace in the study of Buddhism. I find myself gleaning the best from many sources.
And how amazing that your wife and current partner got along so well. That is wonderful! Let's hope it stays that way b/c it is a lovely way to be if you can do it!
And how kind and very loving of you to let your xW know that you still care for her very much and that she will always be in your heart.
That is an enormous and generous gift you've given her. I would give a lot to hear that from my xH. I said it to him but the sentiment was never reciprocated. It takes a certain degree of maturity to be able to do it. And also a large heart. Clearly you have both.
Summer, if we knew each other better, you'd know that I am trying my darnedest to not have black/white thinking. I endeavor to live in the gray. In that regard, I want to challenge your thinking.
Is it really re-M or nothing? Could it be that what's in front of you is personal growth around your R with XH? Could it be that the multi-hour phone calls but no face-to-face meetings needs to shift? Perhaps friendship is on the agenda. Pure, platonic friendship.
I guess what I see is your attempt to be black or white, or... to control the outcome. Girl, that's the ticket to unhappiness and stress. The outcome will be what the outcome will be.
Perhaps you will run into XH again somewhere in the next few weeks -- the onus will be on you to be the person you want to be (and the person God asks you to be) in that moment. You can't ask for any more than that.
Accept whatever comes and don't make judgments about it in advance. That's my point... and I'm stickin' to it.
Hope you are well. It's a gorgeous nearly-summer day here and I am happy for it.
