I POSTED THIS ON MY OTHER THREAD BUT WANTED TO START A NEW ONE B/C THAT WAS MY HAPPY BABY THREAD
Thanks everyone for the baby comments!!!
Ok well- here goes- feedback needed please!!!!
I texted H about our son's Kindergarten grad on Friday. I gave him the time and such, I did this on Wednesday. He texted me yesterday evening about when he could see the kids and he asked about the fires. I did not text back, I got busy with dinner baths and the baby. I texted him again today to remind him about the grad tomm. he called and started inon me as to why I didn't call him yesterday after he text me b/c he had the day off and wanted to see the kids now- he did not text me until 7:00 pm and had been off all day. hummmmmm weird seems like he ould have called sooner right? well I told him I had gotten busy- well he started spewing his venom at me telling me he had consulted with an attorney and he didn't have to pay anything until the divorce was final and I was not calling him to try to hurt him because he didn't want me anymore, that he had found someone else. He called me a bad mother- said that he bet all I was doing was sitting around all day on my ass waiting for him to support me. _( well hello I did just have a baby a week ago!!!) he said I was a cold hearted bit*h and he hated me more than he could ever have thought. He said I am trying to control when he sees his kids. He said he hates me more and more everyday b/c he thinks of all the wrong things I have done to him and I make him sick- He said he will get me when we go to court- he said I am the most worthless person he has ever met etc.. You get the picture. I tried to defend myself at first then I just started agreeing with him and that pissed him off even more. He had so much hatred in him- he said all I cared about is his money and all he cares about is seeing the kids. He said he is happy in his newlife and I am mad because he doesn't want me anymore- that he has someone else- he then hung up.
He called back about 2 minutes later and I have been crying of course and he asked why I have been crying that no one can hurt me b/c I have no heart that his words could not have hurt me b/c once again I am a no hearted or a cold hearted person. I said that I understand your feelings but please don't talk to me like I am a dog and he said he would talk to me however he feels b/c to him I am a dog- lower than a dog. he just started in againon how awful I was and how I have never cared about anyone but myself and that I am hurting the kids by not letting him pick them up on Sundays- he asks at the last second and I usually have plans or he doesn't call until late on Sunday and they have school Monday. He can come see them anytime at the house but he refuses. I ask him not to bring ow to our son's grad he says he won't and that there is no ow- now during the last convo there was ow - so I don't know what he is thinking. I was nice and let him spew then told him I was sorry he felt that way. when he was done I asked if that was all and he said yes and hung up.
HELP!!!! why all this anger? I have been doing so good now he comes at me with this can anyone help me understand why? he hasn't seen the kids in weeks and hasn't seen the baby since she was born-
Please someone help!!!
Love,lisa _________________________ Me:31 H:33 4 boys ages 12-4 35 weeks pregnant with our girl first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 (a new ow involved although he won't admit it)
Email me at lisakcribbs1975@aol.com
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Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
tha nager is because he is hurting...he wants someone else to hurt instead, and maybe if he makes you hurt it will remove his.
It won't though.
So what do you say to him. Well you are not a bad wife or mother--so stop agreeing to his spews...valdating is not agreeing.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
And the other thing it MIGHT be time for is putting his bayness back in his face. STRESS MIGHT
Wow, I'm so sorry that you are a victimof a bad wife. You have been wronged. I've wronged you. The world has wronged you. Nothing is your fault. Wow, that must be tough.
Of course that is sarcasm...and they hate it. It may not work...but even if it does work, it will often appear NOT to work initially. Oh Sweetheart hated it when I called him on his sh*t like that..."poor baby, are you going to run and cry to Mommy now?"
He reacted and got pissy...and then he got better. Maybe not during that 'discussion.' But the next day or so...once he had calmed.
One time he even told me to stop treating himlike a baby--I hadn't said the poor baby line even. I wasn't trying to intentionally in that instance. But I responded that maybe he needed to stop acting like a baby--or child.
Right then he stiopped, looked at me and said, "Good one." Translation, you're right and I should do that...I will try. Doesn't mean he'd succeed, or try for long, but it made him realize what he was doing.
And you know what...sorry, but just like we need to vent, so do they. Sometimes he needs to spew, and unfortunately the target is usually the LBS.
If you were crying during or ater when he called back he took it as a sign of weakness and MORE reason to continue his spew. It's not your fault--his mind is the mixed one...but he may have found any sign of weakness disgusting and he wanted to push his 'advantage' even more.
I know this is hard. Easy to say, hard to do. But here goes anyway: Be tough...strong. Demand respect--while also being soft and forgiving.
When you asked him to please not treat you liek a dog...that was begging...a sing of weakness.
Show respect for yourself by making statements instead of request. Do not treat me like a dog. or I am not...
And then hang up if he continues...it's a boundary and show you will not allow the crossing. You are very vulnerable right now having just given birth...and he's trying to use that to make you more upset and burn his bridges.
I can lend you my heartfelt support because I realize how hurtful WAS can be.
When my sons mother left 10 yrs. ago ( different sitch than now ) she also went and spewed venom like your H is doing to you. She would say and do very mean things, including taking my son and making me go through the courts to find out where he was and also keep my visitation. Needless to say she was full of accusations.
I applaud you for keeping an even temperment like you did. This is what I did most of the time and (like your husband) made her more pissed! After all these years we are cordial most of the time. But I swear she seems to get mad at me when things aren't going well at home with H. Transferance I believe....
Your H, like those of so many here, is lashing out at you because he can't do it to himself. The one he's really mad at... His actions are out of anger and cannot be predicted so make sure you are carefully aware!!
Nobody deserves to be treated like you were, especially a new mother!! Please talk to friends and family and take care...
You probably gave birth to the next great.....!!!!!
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Geez........I am sorry that he is acting this way toward you.
First, I want to address the "I don't have to support you until we are D'ed". Now, I won't pretend to know the laws in your state. What I will recommend is that you get some kind of seperation agreement in place through the courts. This way it spells out the child support he has to pay now and when he can expect to see the kids. It takes the guess work out of it. It's one less thing he can last out at you for. The money thing....to me (because my X does this) it's a control thing. Right now his money is the only control he has over you.
The nasty things he is saying to you and calling you....don't agree. You aren't lower then a dog, you aren't a bad mother, etc.
Lisa, hun, I hate to say it....but if this is how he is treating you.....don't answer the phone. Don't let him treat you this way. Put your foot down, set your boundaries.....if you have to then say to him as calmly as possible "B...I will not let you speak to me this way. When you can calm down and talk to me with the respect I deserve we can discuss (his issue) then." If he keeps calling....keep letting it ring. I'm sorry if this is Anti-DB advice...but geez.....who should have to go through this without being able to say "No more..I won't be treated this way".
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Thanks all - Great advice- I am waiting to go to court with my petition for temp support and alimony- There is no legal seperation in my state. SE you are right the money is the only way he can control me- Now that I have had the baby my life can get back to "normal" as far as me working and possibly being around other men- He hates this- He called back about 30 minutes ago I did answer he asked why did I do the things I did to mess up our marriage. I didn't answer he asked about the baby and the fires and I answered/ He spoke with the boys then hung up.
who knows???
Love,lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
No one should put up with a phone call like that. I would treat it like you do a telemarketer at dinner time. "I am sorry but I can't talk to you when you are speaking in this way. Click."
This is not anti-db at all. If you let him talk like this, you are just rewarding his spewing. Would you let your children talk like that to you? Treat him like the child he is acting like.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Lisa, please, for your sanity, for your self respect DO NOT let him talk to you that way. This is not a matter of pride or of pushing your rights. You are a human being and you make mistakes like all the rest of us. The troubles in your marriage have partly been your responsibility and I don't even want to speculate how much percentage-wise. He has at least an equal share of responsibility too.
Some have advised that he might be looking at himself and, not seeing anything good in himself, that you will stop loving him and will abandon him some day. Maybe in his mind he is trying to abandon you before you can do that to him. The fact is, he committed to you. But when you had kids together you both committed your lives to them. You are keeping up your end of the bargain, he is not. You have five beautiful kids now and if you are going to be any sort of mother for them you've got to pull yourself together. You cannot let him tear you down like that or there will be nothing left of you to give to your kids. I'm barely managing my two pre-teen boys. I can't imagine having to care for five with such an age range as yours, but I know you can do it.
When you want to sell something, you look at it and think of what would make someone else NEED what you are selling. You try to put yourself in a prospective customer's shoes and figure out what some salesperson would have to say to convince you that you need what is being sold. You have to psych yourself up to sell it, to ignore rejection and negative perceptions. Your husband is trying to sell himself on not needing you anymore. What he is saying betrays his thoughts about himself. He needs to keep having rah-rah sessions to keep up the energy to sell the death of your family as something that is OK and that he needs, and he keeps inviting you to those rah-rah sessions. Don't go anymore.
Tell him you are sorry he feels that way, but that as long as he wants to express his emotions in such negative and hurtful ways you will not be a part of that. Learn to say assertively "do not talk to me this way." Create boundaries. It's the only way you'll survive.
I came to the realization that I was avoiding doing some things that would benefit my kids because I didn't want her to hate me. I further hoped that by not doing things that I knew needed to be done, that would also cause her pain, that would help me to buy her love. She wasn't interested in buying, and she hated me anyway. It is a tough and stinky cycle to be in.
Try not to give up, but you need to take care of those kiddos and you need his help to do it. Right now that takes the form of financial support. He knows it and he doesn't like it so he makes you feel guilty about it. You'll lose your guilt once the courts and/or child welfare agencies straighten him out.
I am sorry for your difficulties, but you need to look past his pettiness and think of yourself. Don't beat yourself up and don't let him do it either.
Oh my goodness, he's gone back to how he was before, hasn't he?
Chris is right ~ it sounds like his trying to convince *himself* that he's happy. Remember how he did that before? But he wasn't really happy.
Read RCR's advice carefully; she is really good. I have also noticed that if say something that makes H angry, but it's true, he will usually take it on board w/in the next few days.
I think that there are a few things going on here with his anger and your reaction to it:
1 - Things are not as great as he says and/or he is feeling guilty, so he's taking it out on you
2 - No one else will put up w/ this, certainly not ow, so he calls you.
3 - You love him and keep hoping that he'll say something nice or that he'll love you again (probably does, anyway), so you answer the phone.
4 - Even when he spews, you stay on the phone to (a) hear an apology maybe (b) retain some sort of connection with him.
5 - He is either purposely making it difficult for you to "let" him see the boys in order to make you look bad in his mind (poor me) OR b/c he is just really in his own little, selfish world.
Sugar, you've got to get out of this pattern with him. He's done this before. He is NOT going to say anything nice right now. If he calls and starts to spew, please just to as someone else suggested - "I will not listen to this. Call me back when you can be pleasant" and hang up.
You can do this, Lisa. You've done it before. You will all be fine, you know that.
My H was getting closer to me when he met his new ow. I think maybe they get scared and that's why they find someone else. It's not YOU, honey.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Okay, I'm not sure why, but this is the exchange that popped into my head for next time he calls:
H : "Evil spewage" You: "Listen, Mister, I don't know who YOU are, but MY HUSBAND would beat the tar out of any man who abused his wife in this way, ESPECIALLY when she has a new baby!" Click.
H : "Evil spewage" You: "Listen, Mister, I don't know who YOU are, but MY HUSBAND would beat the tar out of any man who abused his wife in this way, ESPECIALLY when she has a new baby!" Click.
