After much thought I have decided to move back to “Divorced but not Done” from “Surviving the big D”
My divorce has not been filed however everything is in place to ensure that it goes through easily as soon as I have my lawyer review the information.
I am still unsure if rebuilding my marriage is really what I want... most of these posts are me trying to sort out my thoughts and find out what I really want.
I have come to this section because I feel like I have slightly more inclination towards repairing things over giving up and moving on I am still very ambiguous over the idea of it all.
I have “given up” so many times over the past year… but even through angry words and poor judgment of actions on my part… I know I never really stopped loving her.
I see my ex and emotions get all jumpy. Seeing her and talking with her makes me happy and sad and empty and angry all at the same time…
I have become adept at not showing her how I feel about things… most of the time… however there have been many occasions where I have talked about things that should best be left alone.
I want her and yet I don’t want her…
She affects me like no other person in my life and she always has. What I hope to get out of counseling for myself is an understanding of why this is the case and how I can deal with that while still being open to the possibility of reconciling with her.
I currently don’t have anyone in my life that I have serious feelings for… However there is one lady that very recently (last night) expressed a great deal of interest in me…
With things being so uncertain with my Ex I don’t want to miss the chance at something special with a Lady who might come into my life…
But I find myself very guarded with other women… I constantly feel like I am purposely holding something back from them…
Not just because of some slim hope that things might turn around with my Ex but also because I don’t trust my judgment in matters of the “heart” well enough to consider any relationship I might have as worth pursuing as something serious.
For over a year now I have presented my life as a SINGLE separated Dad whose main focus is his Kids, 1.5 weeks ago I changed my dating profile to read “Divorced” and found that the change in thinking / title didn’t bother me at all. As of today I have turned off that last profile.
If something comes of this Lady that I am talking with great, if not I am going to stop doing any kind of dating and focus on getting myself to a place where I am healthy enough to have a relationship.
I can wait to figure the other stuff out… I’m not in a bad place over things… I’m just very confused about how I feel.
I VERY much don’t want to mess up the good things that have happened between her and I...
But I am ready to walk away from it all at anytime and live my own life as I have been doing now…
I am equally ready to take things slowly and rebuild something with her if it can be rebuilt.
I received a Txt reply from my Ex in regards to the email I sent to her.
"Thank-you for the email it makes me feel relieved"
The email explained why I'm am going to counseling with her, what I hope to get out of it between us, that I am fine with things as they are.
Last line Quoted:
“I can wait to figure the other stuff out… I’m not in a bad place… I’m just very confused about how I feel. I VERY much don’t want to mess up the good things that have happened between us... I want to encourage them.”
I gave her a quick phone call to tell her I was glad she understood.
and went on to say:
" I want to clear up how I felt things would be SHOULD things change dramatically ( I have no expectaion that they will )... I don’t expect to jump into anything with you... I wouldn't be ready for that... If something should happen between us it needs be right for both of us..."
"I don’t mean to be so emotional about things with you it’s just what you bring out in me... you always have… its what makes you different from other women… I am trying to figure out why that is the case."
She simply replied with "Uh huhs" which has always meant she’s not necessarily agreeing with what I am saying just that she is acknowledging it.
We then had some friendly banter about my sore leg and made jokes about how I would like to bring coffees to Lacrosse but I don’t think I could carry them. She joked back that she expected me to now…
I ended the call with see you tomorrow.
I got the impresion that it was a postive response overall.
So now to how do I proceed from here…
I won’t be in contact with her excepting at Lacrosse Tuesday night and Counseling Thursday AM and Thursday night. Then she will be gone on a Holiday for a week with her BF and I will have the Kids for the remainder of the month.
I will be making no further conversations about this unless it comes up as part of our counseling discussions…
So... What can I do for myself that will move me along the path towards a better life for myself and my kids?
My physical activity has been very curtailed thanks to my Torn Calf muscle. I am taking my Kids to their Lacrosse games and going to watch them play. My daughter and son both have a tourney this weekend.
My daughter has a 3 day school camping trip the first week in June one day of which I have volunteered to help. I have a camping trip planned with my kids and my parents for the 2nd weekend in June.
Normally I Take my Kids to for a week out to my Parents Cabin in July currently I have set aside no specific time for that this year... I am considering just taking one group of my 5 days in mid to later July that I have with the kids and driving out.
My Daughter has Summer Camp for a Week in later July.
If July end up being to busy I may do that in Aug.
180's for myself... Stop being so emotional about my Ex, counseling for myself to help understand why she is able to affect me so much, Continue to focus on myself and my Kids... Keep going to the gym once my bum Leg lets me again.
MAYBE a date with that lady I refered to in the other post... but Im concerned about that whole situation and weather its ethical for me to date someone while still considering a "Rec." with my Ex. (which currently in this case seems VERY outside the realm of posiblity)
The counseling we are going to Thursday AM is for our daughter and that is supposed to be the focus of it. However through talking with my daughter I know a big part of my daughter’s issues with her mom is she would like “US” to be together as a family how we used to be.
My daughter knows her Mothers choices and her BF are the impediment to making that happen. In regards to that I have been VERY clear with my daughter that her actions may do nothing to bring her mom and I together. She has told me she understood that and that at the very least what she wants is for her mom would spend more time JUST with her and her brother. She has requested one weekend a month with her Mother at her place in our hometown.
It isn’t about My daughter not liking my Ex’s BF… he is a nice enough guy… my daughter has stated that “He’s not my dad and I don’t want to spend so much time with him, I don’t want to go on holiday with him and Mom… I’d like to go with just mom.” “I love my Grandma but I don’t want to go to her house as much either”
I will not force my daughter to go with my Ex if she doesnt want to go to her Grandmas for the weekend or If she doesnt want to be with her Moms BF... If it is my daughters choice to stay with me rather then do that I will stand behind her.
Both my Ex and I have expressed that we want to consider talking with this counselor further on our own…
I am hoping the counselor may lead us in the direction of reconciliation but I don’t know what his frame of reference is or even if it is a good idea that we would see the same counselor separately. Or even if Reconcilliation is the best thing for everyone concerned.
Thoughts, comments, arguements, slaps upside the head... all are welcome and encouraged :P
Welcome to the forum. We are a small group b/c we are in that transistion - still working for the M but we realize there is but a slight chance of recovery. My next stop is Surviving.
Let me be blunt - you have way too much invested in your R. You joined in 2004 so you know the value of detachment but somehow, well over two years later you are still stuck and undecided. Yet W has moved on and there is the OM. Your writing is hard to follow but does your W only see the kids once a month? If so, that also says a lot.
Are you in IC? If not, please consider. Your words sound desparate. Yes, this hurts but from your words your W seems to be pulling all your strings. That is not good - for you or your kids.
Quote:
The counseling we are going to Thursday AM is for our daughter and that is supposed to be the focus of it. However through talking with my daughter I know a big part of my daughter’s issues with her mom is she would like “US” to be together as a family how we used to be.
Yes - the counseling is about your kids and not your M. If you focus on reconciliation rather than your kids that is not good. Sorry to be so blunt but don't put your kids in a bad place. Don't use your kids in any way.
And the last thing - the other Lady? You need to decide if you want to try again with W or not. OW will only complicate things. Ethics have little to do with it - your focus should be to get your head straight. OW will not let that happen.
Luck. But it is time to make some choices and go with them. If your M is done that is okay. If you want to try that is okay. But you cannot have it both ways. You have to decide for your own sanity. And you have to belly up to the bar for your kids so they do not see indecision - or worse feel they are caught in the middle.
Thanks for the advice; I am well aware I need to make a choice…
I can choose either option and be fine with the result...
However at the moment I am happy taking the 3rd option and waiting and watching.
I am going to counseling for three reasons:
1. To help my daughter 2. To help myself 3. To see if there is a chance of fixing things with my Ex
The 3rd option is VERY far off and has a very slim chance of happening…
Going with advice I received from my Lawyer (when I called him to get the Divorce papers ready) to wait and see what comes of the counseling. Coupled that with the fact that for the first time EVER in our history together my Ex has stated she thinks counseling would be good option.
I feel justified in just waiting for a little while and I am ok with my current situation for the time being at least.
In Regards Ex’s Time with the kids:
Without going in to exacting detail lets just say that she is supposed to have them for ½ the time and instead she has spent excessively more time on her BF then she has on being her kids mom.
My daughter will no longer accept that and has taken a stand to try to get her mother change her life.
That’s where that issue lies.
Continuing developments
Last night I needed some groceries so I called my Ex and requested that I could pick up my daughter and she would come help me get them.
There was no problem with this and the conversation with my Ex was pleasant and entertaining.
On the way to get groceries my daughter talked to me about what her mother told her Sunday night about this weekend while my Ex was working her BF and his son came up and stayed over.
My daughter commented that this made her angry and sad… while Her and her Brother were at my place and if Mom had time to visit with the BF and the Son on a weekend while she was working… Why did she not have time for “Us”? (meaning her and her brother)
She continued on to say “Mom is going away for a holiday with him next week… during days that is supposed to be “OUR time” with her…you would think that would be enough and she could have spent time with us.”
I validated my daughter’s feelings and encouraged her to write them in her journal when she got back to her moms place.
From the start I have encouraged my daughter to speak up to her mother about her feelings before their relationship was damaged beyond repair which was the direction it was going.
The only agenda I have in this situation is trying to help my daughter and my Ex communicate better with each other.
You were not "snippy" at all. With this more complete info, it sounds to me like your W really does need to be reminded she is a mom. That is where counseling may help. If a side benefit is waking up to reality of your stitch, so much the better.
Your previous posts were written more about you - I read that you were hoping that the counseling would be more MC and not child-focused. My bad.
But do steel yourself. As long as the OM is in the picture your W is in denial and will be about your daughter as well I fear. She may get very defensive. Sometimes they agree to counseling only to validate their "nothing is wrong, I am right, no one is being hurt" position in their own minds. Plus, she wants to show she is a great mom in case of custody issues.
I have documented evidence over the past year regarding how much time the kids are with me over time they are with her.
In the divorce that my ex agreed to I have the primary residence of the children and full joint custody.
In addition my daughter is old enough if asked by the court where she wants to live... she would stay with me my son would go with his mother... this has been discussed just in case.
I do hope that at some point AFTER the daughter issues are resolved there may be some MC... At the least to help my ex and I stay on Civil terms if things are done.
Hence my concern that talking with the same counselor might be a plus towards that concept.
My daughter has enough steel in her to not validate what her mother is doing and regardless of what my Ex is there to acomplish
I was very proud of my little lady for her view of how her mother spent her weekend, it was a very adult perspective.
I have been dealing with the OM in the picture for a year now, Becasue of him in her life my ex and I arent allowed to hang out, do things together as a family or friends... anything remotely resmebling that and he would "dump" her.
My Ex may have had her eyes opened by her daughter if she continues on this path she will loose the connection she has with her Daughter.
My daughter views her mothers BF as a bad influence in her life from the point of view that her Mothers time (when she isn't working) should be spent with kids instead is constantly monopolized by her relationship with him. Thus her response is that her mom should stop seeing the BF at least for a while until her Mother learns some balance.
Got an early morning phone call from my Ex (something that never happens) just before my alarm went off.
Was a call to tell me our daughter has a grade level achievement test today and ask me to call her (daughter) when she got up.
Very pleasant short convo.
I called back very shortly talked to my daughter told her she was smart and would do fine that there was no pressure about this test that it means nothing to her school marks so she should just relax and do her best.
Before I even Hung up the phone I got a text from my Ex:
"Thanks :-)"
I visit my Dr. today about my sore leg and I’m SO hoping I can get a walking boot, I can stand and put pressure on it and walk a little ways WITH my 1/2 cast on without it's dam shaky, scary and hurts.
I had a yard care company come over yesterday Power Rake, fertilize and aerate my lawn since I cant do the yard work right now.
Nothing planned for tonight just hanging out around the house, Kids come home tomorrow after Lacrosse.
I am trying to develop a strategy for tomorrows Counseling session that is supportive of my daughter yet not overtly threatening to my Ex...
Not sure how to interpret any of your wife's actions considering she's with someone else, which I guess I'd interpret to mean she doesn't want to be with you. So, I'd focus on coparenting and on my own life. If she wants to handle the kid stuff in a friendly manner, then that's good, but I wouldn't take it to mean anything more than that. I've been divorced for 8 years and my ex-wife still does stuff like you describe. I doubt it means she wants to try again with me since I'm remarried. So keep the session completely focused on what is best for your daughter and who cares if some of it makes your wife uncomfortable with her parenting skills.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
