How do they stop loving us?

[Struggling_Husba]

I've been at this 4 months now. I have a better understanding for what I contributed to the demise of my M, and I have a better grip on MLC thanks to you folks.

What I still can't understand is how my wife just stopped loving me. From snooping (I know, I know, I should stop...) I know that she "feels nothing" when she talks to me. And she is surprised at this feeling of nothingness. She asks herself how she can just stop caring about someone. Then she says she cares but just does not love me.

I don't get it. How is that possible after 22 years and 2 kids to just stop loving me. I can understand that she may not want to be married to me, but not love me at all? It seems to harsh for me to accept, and too much of a threat to my notion of what love is.

But if I step back, it's not that sudden or that unreal, I suppose. I have not felt the love from her for some time. I used to feel (pre-bomb) that she could not stand the sight of me. Now I know I was not imagining things. She really has not loved me for a while. "A slow erosion over several years," she says.

So sad. When I don't snoop, I sometimes get the illusion that things might be OK, that we might be able to reconnect after she has moved out and gone through her own stuff for a while. Then I read her writings and get a harsh dose of reality. It's no love for me and lots of infatuation with her cybersex boyfriend.

I need to detach, work on my abandonment recovery stuff, get a life and just see what happens. I need to let go of the outcome, let go of my illusion of control, try to accept reality.

Our custody agreement should be final any day now. Just haggling over legal details. Then she'll finally move out, 4 months post bomb. She has started spending pretty wildly, spending down our joint assets before we divide stuff up when she leaves.

Bracing for a new wave of pain when she moves out. Still have to tell the kids (D6 and S3). Very anxious about how they'll handle it. I welcome any advice about how you broke the news to your young kids. Do I make my W take responsibility for being the one who wanted to end the M?

-SH

[snookysmom]

i don't believe our S fall out of love, i think they just loose the feeling in the muddle of feelings they have. They mis-interpret everything and they come to a conclusion that helps them justify their actions. As they travel through the process they begin to interpret their feelings differently and come to a different conclusion, hopefully this is when they realise that they have love with us the LBS.

This is good but one thing that needs to be said is that the trip can be verrrry longggg. I believe that my H started his journey at least 2 years before the bomb drop and he has been gone 20 months now with no signs of any change in attitude.
Having an om/ow gives them the intoxicating feeling of being "in love" and it is near to impossible for them to pull away from it. This does not happen because they are truly in love with op but because they love the feelling (the sort of high) that they get from it.

SH, First thing to get is to get the financials of the situation straightened out so you and you kids are protected. I guess when you talk to your children, because they are relatively young, give them only what they need and can stand to hear. No one has to be to blame to them, even though you feel differently. There is nothing to be gained by making one of you look like the "bad person". No matter what happens in the future, you will both always be these children's parents.

If you can, try to stop snooping, because nothing is gained by doing it and you get yourself hurt over and over again. Start
GAL and work on improvements that you want to make to yourself. Spend quality time with the kids and do things with them as they are relying on you right now to keep a stable, loving place for them to come home to. I know it is hard but this needs to be your focus right now. Let you W swing in the wind for awhile as there is nothing you can do to change her. It is her journey, and she has not invited you along.

Be sure to read the MLC Resourses at the start of this forum and keep reading and posting. Sometimes just getting things out make them easier to live with.

Take care,
Sue

[Rollercoasterider]

How do they stop loving us?

They don't. Stop believing that sort of nonsense...please.

I know that she "feels nothing" when she talks to me.

REally...is that so? You mean that even though she is lost and confused and uable to know her true feelings...you know them.

Sorry, I don't wanna buy that car.

How is that possible after 22 years and 2 kids to just stop loving me.

It's NOT!

But when you have no self-love, how do yu expect to feel it for others? It is there beneath the numbness.

I have not felt the love from her for some time.

And you're not going to feel it for a very long time. Her emotions are buried, her feelings are numb. You MUST accept that if you are going to Stand and simply to survive.

You have got to detach and ACCEPT that you are not going to see or feel the love. It doesn't mean that it is nonexistent. She's lost and scared and she's got to find herself before she can even begin to worry about your relationship and about loveing you.

So give her a gift. REmove the relatiosnhip burden so she can focus on her internal growth...and YES the direction intially will be toward OM in a downward spiral. But DOWN is where the demons are, and she's got to face them.

HUGS,
RCR

[Cinderellaman]

RCR - great post !!! I actually wish I could copy it and send it to H - but then I've been here long enough to know that it won't change a THING !!!!

Take care !! xxx

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Listen to RolloerCoaster.

So give her a gift. REmove the relatiosnhip burden so she can focus on her internal growth...and YES the direction intially will be toward OM in a downward spiral. But DOWN is where the demons are, and she's got to face them.

Especially that part.
Get used to it, get over it, the quicker you let go the quicker she comes around. The quicker you let go, the better you are.

[Struggling_Husba]

Thanks so much RCR. I needed that. I am pretty detached over the past 4-6 weeks. We interact very little, except around kid or separation logistics. I did have two angry outbursts during that time, but I told her I was just cracking a bit under the stress, and she seemed to understand.

I am eating again, sleeping fairly well, exercising, concentrating at work much more, spending good quality time with kids and family, and playing music again (gig coming up in June). So the GAL is working well also. In general, I feel pretty healthy and strong. The most acute phase is over.

But I worry that going dark and detaching more when she moves out will make it seem I am giving up. I need to walk the fine line that lets me stay detached but also engage in positive interactions when the opportunity arises.

I often want to give up and get on with my life. But if I'm true to my feelings, I know I still love her and want our family to be together. I keep repeating to myself RCR's refrain: "MLC takes time, MLC takes time, MLC takes time..."

-SH

[Struggling_Husba]

I believe that my H started his journey at least 2 years before the bomb drop and he has been gone 20 months now with no signs of any change in attitude.

Ouch, 20 months! I admire your perseverance. Not sure I could hold out that long.

Thanks for your encouraging words.

-SH

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I often want to give up and get on with my life.

You can, in fact it is helpful. Just two provisios with getting on with you life.
1 - getting on with your life doesn't involve dating someone else.
2 - getting on with your life doesn't mean pursuing a divorce.

Dating other people right now; your a mess, only going to hurt everyone involved anyway.
Divorce? Hell you are pretty much divorced right now at least the life style, so you don't need the paperwork to prove anything.
Give up, but keep the hope or better yet the faith somewhere you can get ahold of it later.

[MidwesternGirl]

I believe the MLC starts before the bomb drop.

Knowing what I know now, I would have to say about a year before the bomb drop in my instance. So with that said, this August will mark three years--the first year, I knew nothing, Year two in 2005, the bomb drop and the behavior changes were awful, 2006-more bad behavior and he moved out

we come to this year and he moved back home, moved out, is so much better toward us and am just being patient until his fantasy with OW ends and he works on himself and comes back home.

The signs are all there it is just a matter of time.

[a new 2moro]

2yrs before bomb...1 yr of replay and we are in 2nd year of replay with no end in sight....sigh....so we are in year 4