My heart has been completely torn apart

[nextsteps_4us]

Wow. Its amazing how the minute you are ready to let go, your situation changes. I have seen that pattern a few times in these forums. I realize also that its only when you truly are ready to let go that it might happen.

Anyways, its good you are taking it slow. She doesn't deserve you right now, but maybe given counseling and her working hard to grow with you you will have the great relationship you deserve with your wife.

[I_Surrender]

Thanks.

Like a lot of you, I have been an emotional wreck, for periods of time. This affected me at work. My ability to perform was poor. I talked to my superior yesterday, accepting responsability for my poor performance and admitted to him that I was having serious relationship issues.

I am in a managment position, so I think I could (and may still) lose my job over this.

Anyway I talked to him a little, and I think it helped him understand why I had a "poor attitude."

I hope things are on the mend at work. I feel more positive and can concentrate on my tasks now.

Just goes to show you. My counselor was right, I should have talked to him about the fact that I was not 100%.

Anyway counseling tonight. R is going okay, don't know what I want yet. GAL front is going well.

I received a beautiful smile, at the wholesaler, from a very pretty counter person of the opposite sex who was helping me with some jobsite requirements. Kind of makes the day go quicker. Don't get me wrong, I'd never do anything outside of marriage, but it was a nice smile just the same

Gotta take the positives when you get them.

[I_Surrender]

Just thought I'd drop in and say hi.
I am working through an anger issue right now. Still with W and still going to IC.

W feels she is the only one that is making an effort in the R. I feel that until she realizes "it's about what you give" rather than "it's about what I want" there is going to be less results, than what she is hoping for.

We had a productive R talk last night. W feels M was never a partnership.
eg. Weekend we were supposed to come up with a list of things that kids could/should be doing around the house and then have a family meeting.

W says "why didn't YOU do it" I say "we never got together to discuss what our wish list was for the kids"
W says "YOU know what they need to do, that's just an excuse"
I say "It has to be something we do in concert, not just MY job"

so anyway we went back and forth like this until W got mad. (me sticking up for myself)

Eventually I think she calmed down and understood what we need to do TOGETHER.

I think W may be stalling on couples counseling (we have a counselor suggested to her, for us, by her own IC). I'm not 100% sure why she has not made an appt. I asked her to do so.

My biggest issue is overcoming the angry feelings I have and get back on track to improving myself, and my ability to interact in relationships, be it ours or another in the future. It's a challenge, they are powerful emotions.

[I_Surrender]

Still alive and kicking, up until this point, yet here I sit alone and upset. I suppose what happened tonight, is a stark reminder of the three years of marriage hell (so to speak) that lead up to this point.

it's about things which I accepted before, but no longer accept. it's about expecting mutual respect from one's spouse, and I expect that. I am not perfect, and I don't expect perfection either, but I do expect acknowledgement, and understanding.

After battling a long time with individual counseling, I expressed my displeasure, at lack of couples counseling , to date, (to move forward in our relationship I need this absolutely) i made appts, for this week and next week.

I have no regrets in taking this extra time, to decide if marriage is right, is worth saving, as I do not want to 'rush' out the door, and discover I made a mistake.

I feel I am happy as a person, but I don't think I am happy in marriage.

Today's events bring back haunting memories of the hellish years.

Oh well just a rant, hopefully I will be tired now when I go back to bed.

Hopefully W will wake up tomorrow morning and apologise, or at least be ready to communicate.

Scr@w it tmorrow is D's birthday and I want to make sure I don't sleep in too much, and am able to get a bday gift and card in time.

Positive, positives... with IC I have been able to improve my communication skills. One of the things I want to make an effort to do, is become a really good friend with all of our kids. I have been making progress. My father was a miserable old coot, and i disliked him as an adult. My goal is to have an excellent relationship and friendship will all of our children, and not follow in my father's footsteps.

Guess what? It's working!!! I can really feel the foundation of good solid friendships being built with my older two kids! I can tell they like it too! Cool eh?

[LL44]

Hi I,

I just caught up on your situation. I am hoping the best for you. And yes, during this awful time in my life, I have tried to take my anger/emotions and change them into serious bonding time with my kids. Its working most of the time. Sometimes I am too distracted and just go through the motions of parenting. That's hard for me to accept. VERY proud of you for sealing the bond even more with your kids.

Hopefully things are better today.

[I_Surrender]

It was a day which reminded me very much of the bad times during the past 3 years. I said good morning to W, she was still furious with me, and demanded an apology.

This I was willing to give (but didn't) W wanted to draw me into accepting she was right, and I was wrong, without listening to my concerns or point of view.

So anyway I worked finishing the sundeck, getting D her birthday gift certificate along the way for supplies.
Older son helped me do the deck, which was cool.

I decided since the budget is tight, to make dinner instead of going out, and invited grandma and nephew over along with our 2 boys and my older son's GF.

So I made everything, and when it was all done, everyone was here, W refused to come out of our bedroom, and have dinner.

(I kind of knew this would happen, so part of the reason in having the dinner at home was making it nearly impossible for W to not participate)

I tried to encourage her, she wanted to get into a lengthy discussion about last night, but everyone was here, so I said I'd be happy to have a discussion afterwards. I didn't want to say that I was sorry on her terms, as I knew she would not engage in any non-argumentitive talks on the subject.

I refuse to be drawn into an emotional yelling argument, like she wanted last night.

Her comment was "Are you afraid that you will look bad?!" sarcastically, referring to her pouting in the bedroom.

So... she did not come out for the birthday party. I feel sad for my daughter, as the relationship between them was mending (I feel) This is a huge step back, and also has had an impact on the others there.

When someone asked where mom was, I just said we were having a spat.

I refuse to be drawn into nasty conflicts, W does not realize how much this underlines bad feelings in myself, and the children.

So sad for her tonight, a huge step back in her relationship with the kids, so sad.

I look back to try and see if there was something different I could have done to not let this happen, maybe there are some things, which might have helped, I don't know, she's a tough gal to get past her defenses and front. She won't listen if she does not agree with the opinion.

So... who knows what our first couples counselling will bring this week, wish us luck.

[Astimegoeson]

Surrender.

I've been catching up on your situation. You know, sometimes there is not a lot you can do. Her staying in her room during the party is downright childish if you ask me. I can't believe she thinks it's a reflection on you instead of herself.

Just my .02 cents worth, but I would have totally ignored her pouting and had a good time with my invited guest. I'm sorry, but she sounds like a drama queen.

[I_Surrender]

thanks lwb and A

I am hoping that the couples counselor we see on Thurs, will be good.

W and I are back on friendly speaking terms, so that is good also.

I am hoping through couples counseling, that I can discover the answer to the longing question, do I want to stay together or not. There are a lot of unknowns for me. Some key questions and promises, and some secondary questions which are meaningful also.

I have to ask myself, am I happy. Yes I am, thanks to the good people of DB-com, all the reading and my IC. I think I am doing great and improving each day.

The lines get more blurred when I ask myself, if I am happy in the M now? I don't know the answer to that. I am not fully happy, and not willing to give my heart to W. Will that change in the future? Will I always be unhappy, and will that cause W to stray once again?

I have dreams and aspirations which have never been fulfilled, being on my own will allow me to do that.
On the other hand no-one, perhaps to share them with.

I feel though, I have to make a decision at this point in time. A friend pointed out I am still young enough to make this change and start over, in another 10 years forget it. He is right.

I guess I am not afraid of being on my own. I am more afraid of making a decision which I will regret. Something many of you have dealt with or are dealing with, no doubt.

[I_Surrender]

A Bridge To Cross

The second session with our couples counselor was yesterday. We spent a little time on communication, but most of the hour on a single issue.

This was that if we move forward in marriage, to start, I need to have the promise that W, no matter what difficulties arise in our M, will never have an EA or PA again.

This was a challenge to be clear on this and get W to answer specifically and promise.

The good thing was that our C was able to state clearly to W how damaging the EA and future EA's would be to our M.

I had to be firm on this because I think in her heart W believes that the EA was okay.

So it was a very powerful and emotional session. I don't know if I believe W's promise yet. I told her, that I may have to hear that promise again or a few more times, but did appreciate the fact that she did make this promise. She may still feel EA's are okay at some level, but at least our counsellor was good, and made clear they are not okay.

So I have IC in another day or so. I plan on discussion around what this means to me, and where I go from here.

It's a good thing, I just don't know what I want. Do I trust and move forward. Do I guard my emotions. I feel like guarding myself. I have also looked at the opportunity life presents without W, and M, as that has been on my mind.

As lonely as it may be, I like some aspects of potentially being on my own.

[I_Surrender]

It's been a few sessions with the couples counsellor since the last posting.
Last night was a very tough one. I have been keeping my hurt and bad feelings locked away, and feeling very safe in doing that.
She said in order to move forward I had to tell my W about the way it hurt me.
So a challenging session for both of us.
Now I feel all those emotions simmering just below the surface, once again. I hope the counselor was right.

W called from work today, all upset. OM is harrasing her. She notified her boss and HR.

So a challenging weekend for us. I am not sure what I feel. In some ways I hope that she realizes what she has risked, what it has done to the relationship, and now what kind of guy it is, that she risked it all for.

I am not saying that in "I told you so" sort of way. I just hope that she understands.

I will support her through this, because I now know what kind of person I am, and the person I have to be true to.