Well, I guess you don't have to worry about what to do. It may be time for you to really let go and confront the fact that she is not going to change her mind and come back...at least not in any kind of time frame that will do you a lick of good. I think it's fine for you to "nudge" things along (as you say) because you have given her ample opportunity to correct course and she has had...and continues to have...the ability to put a stop to things if she really wanted to. If she isn't, it's because she doesn't want to (and, sadly, you can't change that).
Yep, I agree with OF wholeheartedly. I still think your W is much like mine and I'd have to say at the almost one year mark of separation I've given up completely. I'm still trying to get the money together to file though.
My W displays the same niceties towards me. The other night she wanted me to help her order a computer while I was at her house dropping off the kids. She made sure to sit right next to me on the couch and press her body firmly against mine while I was ordering the computer on the laptop.
Of course, I know she still has OM. She refers to him as her boyfriend to certain people. She refers to me as her ex-husband to those same people even though we're still married. She doesn't seem to realize that things do get back to me.
I wonder what OM would think about her sitting next to me on the couch like that. The latest rumor is that she has cheated on him, with a married man no less. I'm not sure I believe that rumor. But, she does put herself in situations where people wonder and it really wouldn't surprise me anymore to find out she had.
Sorry, I digressed a little there. My point is that moving on is probably a good idea in both our situations.
OK so how should my behavior be? Should I be pissed? should I be nice? should I make small talk, laugh and joke with her? should I show her I'm her friend? I'm totally confused. I don't think I'll ever be her friend, especially when other people are involved or maybe it'll be different when I do move on. Right now I feel blindsided and betrayed.
She came over this morning to pick D up so I could go to my dentist appointment. She was being her usual self, making small talk etc. I asked her where she was going to take D so I could pick her up later...she sheepishly, flirtingly said 'I was gonna go get a donut, then we'll go to xyz place' - so I told her 'ok go get your donuts fatty' jokingly, she said 'i'm not a fatty, I'm fluffy' and started laughing...she's not fat, she goes to the gym but she has gained some weight around her belly over the last year or so. Anyway, so its hard to believe that she's the same person that could be hurting me and our D.
Last edited by StupidRomeo2; 08/18/0708:15 PM.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
How should you act? I don't know, really. I feel funny around my W too; especially when she's being flirty. It makes me uncomfortable because I always wonder what the motive is behind it.
I do things for her, such as helping her order the computer. I can sit beside her and watch TV for a while with her and make small talk. I don't know. I just feel really strange around her I guess because of the same reasons as you.
It's like someone literally hitting you upside the head with a 2 X 4 out of nowhere and then telling you, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to hurt you so bad. Can we still be friends?" Of course, if you agree to still be friends, you flinch every time they make a sudden move.
Last edited by MyWifeHasGoneCra; 08/18/0708:37 PM.
My W displays the same niceties towards me. The other night she wanted me to help her order a computer while I was at her house dropping off the kids. She made sure to sit right next to me on the couch and press her body firmly against mine while I was ordering the computer on the laptop.
The question is, does she do this when she doesn't want something from you (or is it just manipulative).
Originally Posted By: MyWifeHasGoneCra
It's like someone literally hitting you upside the head with a 2 X 4 out of nowhere and then telling you, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to hurt you so bad. Can we still be friends?"
Yes...and then doing it again...and again...and again....
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo2
OK so how should my behavior be? Should I be pissed? Should I be nice? Should I make small talk, laugh and joke with her? Should I show her I'm her friend? I'm totally confused.
If you've given the R time and the best effort you can, then it's time to be yourself. Be whichever of the above is how you really feel. Of course, you can also just disconnect altogether (which is what I've done). It's not possible to do that completely with kids involved, but while you're going to be destined to have to see her and talk with her now and again in the context of your D, that doesn't mean it has to be anything more than civil. If she makes you feel funny, don't give her the chance. If she asks how you're doing, ignore it and move on to the topic at hand. If she comes to pick up your D, make sure your D is ready to go and be cordial, but don't ask her in. If you drop your D off at her place and she invites you in, politely decline and leave.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo2
I don't think I'll ever be her friend, especially when other people are involved or maybe it'll be different when I do move on.
Ask yourself this question: If it were anyone else you know and they treated you as your WAW has, would you still be their friend? Friendship is a two-way street.
Ask yourself this question: If it were anyone else you know and they treated you as your WAW has, would you still be their friend? Friendship is a two-way street.
WHAM!!! That was a 2X4 comment for me. Very to the point and true.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Thanks OF. Yes you're absolutely right its just so hard to act on it though.
I gotta send a 10 page long form back to my lawyer and I hate filling out forms, I have 0 motivation for this but also want it to just be over now. I've suffered long enough in the limbo land.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
Nugget: Hang in there. If you've been poking around here much, you know you've got a long road ahead of you. The good news is that you can survive and the rest of us here who've been around the block a couple times are proof of it. My best to you.
SR: You making progress on your form? I know it's tough to go through everything when you don't really want the outcome it represents. It took me a month to go through all our assets because, like you, I just had no motivation to do it and kept finding other "more important" things to do. Of course, ultimately I had to do it. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
OF, I did fill out the assets stuff but my lawyer's asking more details like a bank statement for each account so I told him that's all I've got just the bank names and the amounts for now deal with it. He hasn't responded to me yet.
Today D3 got hurt at the day care, half of her finger nails broke off on two fingers and I have no idea what happened. They said she went into a shock from the pain and was shaking, no one saw it happen but it looks like her fingers got squished in a door jamb or something but that would've caused a lot more damaged. STBXW is out of town again so I called and told her right after I picked D up (who's just been crying from pain all day). I just sent her an update on D's situation via email telling her that she missed her and asked about her a few times before going to bed and that I gave her Ibuprofen etc. but now after I sent the email I'm pissed at myself, she didn't bother to even check on her so why did I bother to email her...god I don't know what's wrong and what's right in this, what a mess this woman's created of this family.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
STBXW is out of town again so I called and told her right after I picked D up (who's just been crying from pain all day). I just sent her an update on D's situation via email telling her that she missed her and asked about her a few times before going to bed and that I gave her Ibuprofen etc. but now after I sent the email I'm pissed at myself, she didn't bother to even check on her so why did I bother to email her...god I don't know what's wrong and what's right in this, what a mess this woman's created of this family.
I think it was proper for you to notify your STBXW about the situation with your D. However, once you initially did that, if she did not ask for further details or request an update at a later specified time or upon some event, I don't think you were further obligated. There's nothing wrong with what you did, but I probably would have left it alone. She certainly knows how to contact you if she has a question.
Changing subjects, how are things otherwise? Are you hanging in there OK? Is the D progressing, in a holding pattern, or something else?
