So anyway I wanted to respond to Cadesmom. Basically, according to my W, her life IS happy. She's happy with her position, her house, herself, our kid's, the finances, just about everything, but our M suck's. Now on the surface y'all might think that's really bad for her to say, but I don't know. I think it may be a good thing. Just hearing herself say it, might just motivate her to work on making it better. Most people might just go to pieces if their spouse ever made a statement like that, but not me, anymore. I'm a rock.
She's gonna figure things out. She tells me to just keep on being ME, and that's just what I'll do! I'm not taking her crap and I'm not shutting up. I'm not laying down, cowering, and taking it in the arse. Nope, my chin's up, and I'm looking good. I'm gonna ride this pony to the end of the field. She can buck and kick and squeal, but I ain't jumpin off. I'm gonna tame this shrew, or I'm gonna die tryin.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Well, I sure hope she does decide to work on the M. It's so worth it in the end. You don't realize what you are missing and just letting go to the wayside when you are focusing all your energies on all of life's other stresses until you actually get it back.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
She needs to step up to the plate here too. She needs to realize it is HER unrealistic beliefs that are keeping HER stuck in fear.
She DOES need to step up to the plate. All she has done is chosen 'comfort and stability' over the living separate that you both had in the past.
She needs to get counseling. You are waiting for her to 'fix' a problem she isn't even TRYING to address.
It seems pretty clear to me that she has an emotional blockage that she is not willing to address. Time and patience will not address it either. She has to face whatever it is.
That's how life works. Trust me, I've been there. She (and you) will stay stuck with the status quo, and then you'll wake up one day wondering where the years went and regretting what you could have been.
Plant the seeds, talk to her, be her counselor if you have to but get her looking inward.
Sex=Intimacy. Talk to her about intimacy and her fear of it.
Here's something we did. we go this book 'Embracing Each Other: Relationship As Teacher, Healer & Guide by Hal Stone' and read it aloud together, taking turns on different pages. And we TALKED about it. It is very thought provoking
I would be more inclined to say intimacy = sex. One can always have sex without intimacy but it is much more difficult (I believe particularly for women) to have intimacy without sex.
And perhaps she doesn't feel she is being "unrealistic"
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I would be more inclined to say intimacy = sex. One can always have sex without intimacy but it is much more difficult (I believe particularly for women) to have intimacy without sex.
And perhaps she doesn't feel she is being "unrealistic"
So what? We can spar over what means what, the point is she fears intimacy. We can argue over semantics but it still ends up at the same conclusion.
Glad to see you're not giving up. I'm not either and I'm taking your advice. I'm going to start my own thread. As I was reading my posts(because I was going to paste quotes from them to my own thread) I remembered why I came here to begin with. I want to save my marriage and fight to beat the odds. I've been keeping up reading your thread because it's so similar to my sitch that it helps me stay afloat. But I just have to share this with you, in your last response to me you said:
"You can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in counseling and attorney's and never get better advice than that. It's YOU who needs to change first, and right now before it's too late.
You need to recognize YOUR weaknesses, YOUR failings, YOUR lousy attitudes. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why your H would want to ML to you. What have you done lately to earn his respect and desire? What have you done lately to diminish his respect and desire?
See you can't directly control another person, but YOUR actions are completely under your control. And every action has a consequence, good and or bad. I'd listen to your pastor, and take a good hard look in the mirror.
Take a deep look at yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually."
Oh Cog, I realized that that's all I've been doing for the last 15 years - looking in the mirror and trying to be a better wife, keeping my mouth shut, being submissive always trying to change myself to please him and constantly looking for ways to make him happy- putting myself to one side most of the time, beating myself up so to say for my attitudes, weaknesses and failings. As a matter of fact I looked through some of my old journals and it's been the same I'm always trying to make myself better for my H. Now in your latest post you write:
"She's gonna figure things out. She tells me to just keep on being ME, and that's just what I'll do! I'm not taking her crap and I'm not shutting up. I'm not laying down, cowering, and taking it in the arse. Nope, my chin's up, and I'm looking good. I'm gonna ride this pony to the end of the field. She can buck and kick and squeal, but I ain't jumpin off. I'm gonna tame this shrew, or I'm gonna die tryin."
That's what I've been doing for the last two years - not taking his crap, not shutting up not laying down, etc. etc. I think I've done enough looking in the mirror and trying to be someone I'm not. I think change has to come naturally not by making yourself and also God can change you. I'm going to keep my chin up and be who I am and if that's not desirous to him then it's not.
I brought the subject up to him 2 days ago SSM and we really got into it, looked like he was ready to walk out but I stood my ground and he actually asked if we could go to counseling. Of course I said yes and I'm going to make an appt.(keep me in your prayers). Maybe your wife will break soon too. I'll keep your sitch in my prayers as well. Thanks for all of your advice. I'll let you know where my thread is soon.
I think I've been a bit wussyish for too long. Maybe need to make some changes that'll help me take back some control. I already have done 180's on begging, pleading, and crying, did that a long time ago. I've got a life outside of her. I suppose maybe I need to continue speaking out when she's cold to me. I'm doing it more and more, and at least she seems responsive. I just need better timing with it. Never at bedtime.
glad to hear this, COG...often times, when a woman pulls back from a man, she feels disdain or lack of respect for him. Don't give her any reason for that, but stand firm and tall, be the man you are at all times.
Men can be very complicated, too, you know...sometimes hard and protective, other times tender and caring. Men really are wonderful creatures, no matter what the media tries to say nowadays.
I regret any hint of disrespect that my H may have gotten from me, and i know it was there-especially in the beginning. he pursued me and seemed so needy, i raked him through the coals. in the end, i almost lost him (which i didn't realize)had i not given up my attitude when i did! jacqm
COG I was watching a television programme last night and thought of you and your sitch. It was called Obedient Wives. At first it was all about men who literally want their wives to do every little thing for them and I know that of course that is not you. Then it went onto to describe a book called 'The Surrendered Wife'. Apparently it written in America and has caused a bit of a storm as it is very controversial. I'd never heard of it myself. Anyway the bit that made me think of you was listening to a scottish woman who is now M to an american. Their R was very stormy and on the verge of breakdown. She read this book and now everything has turned around for her. Her's wasn't the only story portrayed with the books methods in mind but she was the only one who mentioned sex. She said the book says that 'obedient wives' never say no! She said it took her some time to come to terms with this but since she has her sex life has never been better and thier R has improved beyond recognition. I haven't read the book and probably won't but just thought it might be another 'tool'(pardon the pun) for you!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Hmmmm wonder if would work for men too?