Last year around this time I was a regular poster on this board, got lots of help. But I haven't posted since....probably 6 months. WAW in serious MLC, A with someone 12y younger than her, I moved out first time. Reconciliation, which was from what I think now only a touch and go, during which WAW started second A (16y younger). I moved out again over 6 months ago. WAW 'happy' as long as I paid. Then I stopped paying. WOW, you wouldn't believe how angry she got when I didn't want to support her and her boyfriend anymore. She filed, accused me of everything possible. Nastiest divorce you can imagine. Two court dates later she had to pay my lawyer fees and I have 50% custody. I don't want to see her without a witness. I'm finally ok, can sleep and work again, be comfortable with myself. She is still blaming me for everything that went wrong in her life.
Then.....yesterday....I received an email (the only way I communicate with her to protect myself). She had a dream, we back together, ML, she panicked, and now wants to talk with me, is apologizing.... About 2 month ago WAW started reconnecting with the kids. I can't anymore, not after everything she has done to me. She burned all bridges. I'm very sad for the children, especially our 5yo daughter. But she and I will be ok. WAW, I'm not so sure.
Anyway, I'm just going on here. The main thing I wanted to say is, after all I went through, I believe MLC exists. WAW is still following the script. That for everyone who is questioning MLC.
And for all posting here: You will be ok, whatever happens. It might take some time, for some longer than they would expect. For me it took over a year to become 'normal' again. And there will always be scars left.
I could live with her PAs, that she ruined us financially, her anger etc. But as I wrote WAW accused me of everything possible in court to get custody of our D5. I don't want to go into details here, but some of these accusation were just unbelievable and would have ruined my life if anybody had believed her. But as you might have experienced MLC lies/accusations often don't make any sense at all. That was the dealbreaker. I can forgive her, but can't live w/WAW anymore.
Thank you for posting. I peruse these boards regularly, and it's interesting to see the entire story summed up so succinctly.
I can also understand you not wanting to reconcile. Even though MLC is real, the MLCr does make choices on how they handle it and themselves. Rational people can only take so much.
EvolvingMe, I am glad you came back to post an update. You went through the ringer and you've come out the other side. Yes, you have scars, but those scars will fade to some degree as you move forward w/your life. I'm very happy to see that you are there for your little ones. Always let them know that you are their lighthouse in the storm for they will need a stable parent in their lives.
I understand completely why you feel the way you do. I was once there myself. Sometimes the destruction that the mlcer does is far too much for us to handle. I wish you all of the best and do continue to post and let us know how you and your little ones are doing.
I guess thats where the real tragedy in this mess lies huh?
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I have been reading Terrence Real, "I Don't want to talk about it". MLC is really covert depression. We can call it MLC because of the time in life it occurs, but really there is a known medical diagnosis for it. There were a couple of phrases that struck a cord with me. I thought I would list them for you here.
1. The cure for covert depression is overt depression. You have to go through the overt depression, and it is painful. You have to have courage. 2. First they have to stop the addictive behaviors that stablized their depression, second learn how to nurture yourself, (parent yourself if you will) third release the feelings of shame, and other negative feelings. 3. You can not recover from covert or overt depression and remain numb the whole time. Counseling helps this process, it is really scary. Medication and possible hospitalization helps too.
These are a few of my impressions. Thought they might be timely for you. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Hi, I'm not so sure about that Jazz... At one point my DH said he felt like he was on a runaway train destroying things he did not want to destroy and did not know how to stop himself. He still says he is very confused and does things he cannot explain. Sometimes I feel like he is walking in a forrest with thick fog and occassionally sees a clear spot. but for the rest of the time he goes by the minute.
EM. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. I am happy for your kids that she is turning around. In a way I am happy for you too. If at any point you doubted her love for you during this trying time here's proof it wasn't all a lie. It's just a shame that she's too late. Good luck EM
They know what they're doing. And they CAN stop themselves.
It's not that it's forogtten...it's that many of us rational people disagree.
Some MLCers are aware...while others are not. For those who are aware the pain may be even greater...like watching yourself go crazy and no it is happening.
As for being able to stop...if they could they would--particularly those who are aware.
None of that means they should not be held accoutnable for their actions. MLC is NOT legal insanity. But it is most certainly Dis-Ease. LBSs cannot prevent it...well neither can the MLCer once it has started.
What some of the 'rational' people forget is that we have many now rational former MLCers who have expressed how they were often so confused as to believe what they were doing and when they felt guilt and like they were crashing...they were unable to stop. Listen to AmyC, M Go Blue, Happy_Again for their stories.
We LBSs who have not had an MLC can really only specualte...and so taht is what I have donehere. But those who have gone through have a special experiential knowledge about the inner workings of MLC...I hope I never have that sort of knowledge.
Isn't a Midlife Crisis just a Midlife Transition (that we all will likely experience), but the person going through embraces and seeks activities that can destroy everything they've built (affairs, etc)?
