The fat lady is warming up.... 2

[OldFool]

Big Tuna: Nice to hear from you. Have you updated your thread? I've been wondering what's been happening with you. Sorry to hear you're havin' a hard time of it.

...we have been separated 13 months and divorced for 7 but i still keep hoping for a miracle...

As others can attest, anything is possible...even a miracle. However, as I'm sure you already realize, the odds are not in your favor.

I read in the Divorce Remedy book that sometimes, the WAS ends up regretting their decision to end the marriage. ...there are times I wish my ex would call me and tell me what a big mistake he made.

It's true (and I know of a few situations where that has happened). The problem is, it most often happens years down the road after everyone has moved on and the WAS has learned a few life lessons the hard way (which usually takes some time). In addition, it is often said to others, not to the LBS (a pride thing for the WAS), so your hope is...sadly...unlikely to be fulfilled.

As for your sitch BT, I suspect it is the same. My guess is that your WAW will likely regret her choices at some point, but I don't think that's happening now (unless she's said something you haven't shared). Without knowing any more than I do (and assuming she's not involved with someone else right now), I wonder if she's simply around whenever it's convenient for her and she has nowhere else to go.

Even though I still love him, I've decided to move on, and it actually feels good. I'm doing well. I have a good secure job. I also have a good support system...friends and family. I don't date, and I've gotten so bad at flirting...YIKES!

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I'm not technically out of the M yet so I'm not even contemplating dating...but I can appreciate your concern. I'm not even sure I know how to flirt anymore (I haven't done it in nearly 15 years)

[OldFool]

I remember reading your attempts. I would just hope that maybe you can reach her now. Is there a down side to trying again?

UPSIDE - An agreement, some R discussion, closure, reconciliation
DOWNSIDE - ?????????????????? I can't think of any.

I suppose there isn't. I simply haven't the interest. It is said that one definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. I think your suggestion might very well fall into that category. It's not as though I gave this one shot and then just gave up.

In Oregon, the courts require both parties to go to mediation before the case goes before a judge. I'll make one more run at it then (the lawyers are not allowed at the mediation). However, I have very low expectations for any resolution.

Sorry for the hijack OF ...

No worries, mate.

[StupidRomeo2]

OF, I don't know if I can add much to what has already been said but what if you just invited her out to lunch? Take her to a nice restaurant, talk about random fun stuff, ask her if she's happy and say you're glad to hear it etc. Then tell her divorce is not something you want but you have to do this for her. Tell her about the finances in a nice way. Then tell her to give it a thought without the outside influence, tell her to think about how she felt about you in the beginning before she gives you the answer.

You don't have much to lose at this point, show her you're a nice caring person and leave the rest on her conscience. This is how my situation went and it worked for me. However, in my case I guess what also made my W reconsider us is the fact that she'd learnt her lesson the hard way already...

OF, either way I know you're not only strong but quite smart as well - you'll be just fine. Worse comes to worse money is money, it can be made again...surely it's not ideal but few things in life are.

All the best to you my friend.

[jersting]

OF, I have just gotten caught up with your sitch. I think other than you being much smarter than I, as far as our sitchs go we could be 2 peas in a pod. Hang in there, I know we are all praying for each other and we will get what we are supposed to when the time is right. God answers us in three ways, Yes-NO-or wait. I don't think we are asking for yes or no answers here so now all we have to do is wait. God bless you and thank you for checking up on me and keeping me in line.

[OldFool]

jersting: Thanks for dropping by.

...what if you just invited her out to lunch? Take her to a nice restaurant, talk about random fun stuff, ask her if she's happy and say you're glad to hear it etc.

Well, if the situation were different, that might have some effect. However, in my case, there really isn't any context for it. She blew everything apart so fast, that the LRT was all I had available to me (you'd have to go back to the beginning of my first thread to see what all transpired).

I've now been in that mode for very nearly a year. We don't speak (maybe once every two or three months about "business", but it's brief). I have, on several occasions, invited her to sit down and talk, but she won't engage. R stuff, what little there was, was just a rehash of every wrong she felt she ever suffered (real or imagined). As for the prop. split, she'd avoid saying anything, refuse to engage, or come up with an excuse why she couldn't address the issue then. A couple days later her attorney would demand something completely different.

In addition (if I can borrow a line from Jerry Maguire), "I'm incapable of small talk". There isn't any "fun stuff" left...all that's left is dealing with the issues. She won't, so the whole thing is moot. Doing what you suggest, if she would even agree, would very likely be a colossal waste of time. Given that I've wasted so much already, I'm not inclined to continue the practice.

As for her "happiness", I don't think she is. Not only that, early this summer she stated (herself) that she still wasn't content. There was a time I was sympathetic to that, but any sympathy left has long since evaporated.

Then tell her divorce is not something you want but you have to do this for her.

Did that about a month in.

Tell her about the finances in a nice way. Then tell her to give it a thought without the outside influence, tell her to think about how she felt about you in the beginning before she gives you the answer.

Did that to (several months back).

...show her you're a nice caring person and leave the rest on her conscience.

I have. Been a nice guy, bent over backwards to be more than fair to her. No effect.

This is how my situation went and it worked for me.

It's nice to know that someone experienced some success.

Worse comes to worst, money is money, it can be made again...surely it's not ideal but few things in life are.

Quite true.

Thanks for checkin' up on me.

[alamogirl]

Hi Old Fool,

Well, my brother/wife finally moved out. It's so quiet in the house. Anyway, the ex came by to pick up some more stuff.

He fixed everything that was coming loose around the house. He even crawled under the house to check if I had a water leak. It was like old times. He came 2 days in a row. The first day, I barely spoke to him, but on the second day, I did converse with him.

He told me that he would be happy to come over and help me with anything that goes wrong in the house. You know, we could be good friends, but I don't want just friendship. That's why I don't call him. I try to do everything on my own (or pay someone to do it).

When he was fixing stuff, it seemed all so familiar as if he never left. It's still so hard to believe that he chose divorce. Anyway...I think he IS in MLC. When we were married, I suggested that he dye his hair. He didn't want to. Guess who has his hair dyed...yep, the ex. He dyed it a light golden brown. He's gotten slimmer but since he didn't mention my weight loss, I didn't mention his.

Those two days set me back emotionally. I have to remain positive, and keep reminding myself that I am getting better and stronger each day.

Sorry for rambling on when your situation doesn't seem to be improving. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hey Big Tuna,

How are you doing? Well, as you can see, I was an emotional mess those two days :-(.

I tell you what...I can't wait for this year to be over.

All my best,
alamogirl

[big_tuna]

hi alamogirl....im doing ok....i know what you mean....the contact and familiarity makes you remember..it sets you back emotionally....my WAW has been doing it to me for over 14 months now....it doesnt seem to set them back in the same fashion....they wont allow themselves to remember because if they did they would have to acknowledge that maybe they did make a colossal mistake....my ex-w would rather cut off a limb than do that....so i go on taking the high road loving my kids, myself and others including her from a distance....i wish the best for you,OF and the others here....in the end we will prevail one way or another....god bless...BT

[alamogirl]

it doesnt seem to set them back in the same fashion....they wont allow themselves to remember because if they did they would have to acknowledge that maybe they did make a colossal mistake....

I agree! I read in the DR book that sometimes, the initiator learns to regret their decision to end the marriage.

The ex still has stuff to pick up :(. There is still a twin bed that belongs to my stepson in my shed. The ex couldn't get to it because my brother's stuff was blocking the way. My brother finally moved out of my house but he, too, has to pick his stuff up...GEEZ, I should start charging rent.

Holidays are almost here. The ex and I didn't celebrate because we're not of the Christian belief system but we still managed to spend it with family. This year, I'm spending Christmas with my brother (the one who just moved out) and New Year's with my sis.

I'm wishing you, OldFool, and everyone else Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!

All my best,
alamogirl

[OldFool]

First, a shout out to big_tuna. Hope you're doin' OK and that 2008 is a better year for you!

It's so quiet in the house.

For the most part, it doesn't bother me. But sometimes, it just seems soooooo empty.

He fixed everything that was coming loose around the house. It was like old times. When he was fixing stuff, it seemed all so familiar as if he never left. It's still so hard to believe that he chose divorce.

Yep. The old habits and old memories are never too far away. The way things were...that last word changes everything.

Those two days set me back emotionally. I have to remain positive, and keep reminding myself that I am getting better and stronger each day.

I bet they did (and I can certainly understand why)!! I don't blame you for avoiding contact.

I'm glad to hear you will have the opportunity to spend some time with relatives. Happy holidays to you and I hope 2008 brings better things for you.

[OldFool]

First, a shout out to big_tuna. Hope you're doin' OK and that 2008 is a better year for you!

It's so quiet in the house.

I hear you! For the most part, it doesn't bother me. But sometimes, it just seems soooooo empty.

He fixed everything that was coming loose around the house. It was like old times. When he was fixing stuff, it seemed all so familiar as if he never left. It's still so hard to believe that he chose divorce.

Yep. The old habits and old memories are never too far away. The way things were...that last word changes everything.

Those two days set me back emotionally. I have to remain positive, and keep reminding myself that I am getting better and stronger each day.

I bet they did (and I can certainly understand why)!! I don't blame you for avoiding contact.

I'm glad to hear you will have the opportunity to spend some time with relatives. Happy holidays to you and I hope 2008 brings better things for you.