The fat lady is warming up.... 2

[alamogirl]

Posted twice...deleted 2nd post :).

[OldFool]

alamogirl:
Thinking of you as Thanksgiving approaches. Hope you are doing OK.

everyone:
I finally received a response from my STBXW (and her atty.) to the last settlement offer. The short version: "No way in hell". So, we're off to court in Dec. (happy holidays! ).

Oregon is an "equitable distribution" state where it is presumed that the people contributed equally to the marital assets and, thus, they should be divided equally. However, this is just a presumption and either party (or both) can argue for a different division. Since she did about 45% of the housekeeping and maintenance and brought in 33% of the income, I consider 40% to be a fair settlement to her.

However, she won't hear of it (the constant drumbeat of "I deserve half" has grown monotonous). Since I'm unwilling to agree that she deserves to benefit at my expense (the extra 10% isn't coming out of thin air!), we seem destined for a trial. As I've stated previously, I have no interest in cheating my STBXW or in seeing her harmed financially. However, that doesn't mean I think I ought to be harmed. A 50/50 split would wipe out my financial gains for the last several years (while she would suffer no loss at all).

Sadly, the only people winning here are the lawyers (as usual). If only she could be even the tiniest bit reasonable. But, alas, that's apparently not in the cards. Sigh....

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

OF - I logged on just to see if there was an update from you ... and Shazam!, there it is. (Anyone else remember Shazam! from the early 70's?) For those who don't, here's the plot. Billy Batson was privileged by receiving the combined powers of the Six Wise Immortals: Solomon, Hercules, Agamenon, Zeus, Achilles and Mercury. Thus S-H-A-Z-A-M. I think of Shazam! when I think of OF.

This is a longshot, OF - but have you considered just talking it out with your W directly? Bypass the liars, I mean lawyers. You guys aren't that far off in the negotiation and some direct interaction between the two of you may benefit YOU. Of course, my hope is that you would hug-it-out. But at the least, maybe it will allow her to understand that you are sincere in your beliefs and not aiming to harm her. And from there, who knows. Just thinking of a 180 you might be able to do here. Throw out a line and see if you can catch anything. If not, then let the court handle it.

Praying the wisdom of Solomon on you - and thinking of you often.

[OldFool]

Thanks for dropping in. By the way, your own thread is due for an update

(Anyone else remember Shazam! from the early 70's?)

Somebody's been taking a ride in the "way-back machine". Personally, I recall it more as PFC Gomer Pyle's favorite exclamation.

This is a longshot, OF - but have you considered just talking it out with your W directly? Bypass the liars, I mean lawyers. You guys aren't that far off in the negotiation and some direct interaction between the two of you may benefit YOU. Of course, my hope is that you would hug-it-out. But at the least, maybe it will allow her to understand that you are sincere in your beliefs and not aiming to harm her.

Great idea! Only problem is, I've already tried. I spent a good portion of June and July working on a list of assets, values, etc. and essentially made the offer described above (a few changes have been made in the intervening months), provided my rationale, and invited discussion without attorneys. I got nothing in return except silence, stonewalling, and excuses. By August I was done trying and counter-filed for D in September. Sadly, logic and reasoning are only useful with someone who is capable of being logical and reasonable. My STBXW is neither (or perhaps just sheer greed is overriding both). Either way, it appears time to begin singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to court we go...."

Praying the wisdom of Solomon on you - and thinking of you often.

Thanks. I'm just weary now and ready to get on with the rest of my life. The other day I realized the saddest thing. If someone told me tomorrow my STBXW were dead, I'd be more relieved than sad. Thinking back to what I felt eight years ago, I can barely believe that is possible, let alone that it has happened. The realization has left me depressed beyond words.

[Jeff223]

I'm just weary now and ready to get on with the rest of my life. The other day I realized the saddest thing. If someone told me tomorrow my STBXW were dead, I'd be more relieved than sad. Thinking back to what I felt eight years ago, I can barely believe that is possible, let alone that it has happened. The realization has left me depressed beyond words.

I thought I was the only one who felt that way. And I am even passed "depressed" about it. Sad, is it not?

[alamogirl]

Hey OldFool,

Thanks for thinking of me...I'm doing ok. My sis e-mailed me and asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. She's still in Dallas. Her daughter had the baby on 12 Nov but she's staying until Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry to hear that your stubborn STBXW isn't budging. Of course, I had another name in mind but I'll be nice :-). It's hard to even imagine that we once had a good relationship with our ex's. I'm grateful that my ex settled for what he did. My therapist used to say that the outcome of our divorce plays a big part on how we heal. I will pray that the judge will see things your way.

All my best,
alamogirl

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

I've already tried. I spent a good portion of June and July working on a list of assets, values, etc. and essentially made the offer described above (a few changes have been made in the intervening months), provided my rationale, and invited discussion without attorneys. I got nothing in return except silence, stonewalling, and excuses. By August I was done trying and counter-filed for D in September.

I remember reading your attempts. I would just hope that maybe you can reach her now. Is there a down side to trying again?

UPSIDE - An agreement, some R discussion, closure, reconciliation
DOWNSIDE - ?????????????????? I can't think of any.

[big_tuna]

OF/alamogirl et al.... BIG TUNA here .....still a struggle...WAW has me still on a rollercoaster...alternates between little contact to 4 of 5 nights one week wine and visits to our house....she even passed out candy on Halloween to our neighbors...its bizarre.....tomorrow me her and the kids going to her sisters house for Thanksgiving just like last 24 years....i could have declined and kept kids at home but taking the high road still....i feel sometimes great about what im doing and sometimes like such an idiot.....we have been separated 13 months and divorced for 7 but i still keep hoping for a miracle....why?.....seems like even after all ive been through its not getting better...work/finances/house upkeep all seem overwhelming.....i feel like im losing it at times....gotta keep on going for my two wonderful boys....hope all is well with you guys here and Happy thanksgiving to all....Bt

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

Sorry for the hijack OF ...

Hey Big Tuna - I'm in NY. I was wondering where you are in CT. I have 2 other men in CT and a half dozen guys in NJ, and another 2 guys from NY (all standers) and we meet monthly for support and fellowship. If you are anywhere nearby the NY/NJ/CT border - I'd like to invite you to join us. Our next get-together is Tuesday - 11/27.

Email me privately @ [e-mail]

[alamogirl]

Hey Big Tuna, I haven't seen you around here lately. I read in the Divorce Remedy book that sometimes, the WAS ends up regretting their decision to end the marriage. You know your ex better than anybody. Do you think she is having second thoughts?

Luckily, my ex and I didn't have kids so there is nothing binding us...yet, there are times I wish my ex would call me and tell me what a big mistake he made. We both had fault in the demise of our marriage but in the end, I was willing to hang in there and make it work...he wasn't. Even though I still love him, I've decided to move on, and it actually feels good. I'm doing well. I have a good secure job. I also have a good support system...friends and family. I don't date, and I've gotten so bad at flirting...YIKES!

It's hard to move on, and I'm sure it's harder when there are children involved. I wish the very best for you Big Tuna. And yes, you need to hang on for your two precious sons. No matter what happens, you will always be their Dad.

All my best,
alamogirl