First, my wife has gone off the deep end sexually, engaging in frequent phone sex with this guy she has not seen since 4th grade and exchanging dozens of x-rated text messages with him over the past several months. This from a woman who would not talk dirty to me in bed once in 22 years. What the heck is happening.
Now she is considering sending VIDEO of herself masturbating, etc. She has really gone nuts.
This guy is a stranger to her. He could be a stalker, a pedophile, a con man or a rapist. She can risk her own life with him, but she is showing such bad judgment that it makes me fear for my kids' if he is ever around them. Should I do a criminal background check or hire a PI. He lives out of state.
Second issue is about a conversation I had with my MIL. She was sorry about the sitch but said it was because I did not understand how women feel. My MIL divorced also and her reasons were nearly identical to those my W gives: I made her feel worthless, I destroyed her self esteem, I did not validate her feelings, etc. My MIL based this on 2 (yes 2) negative comments I made to her in 22 years! Should I take this criticism to heart or should I just conclude that my W and my MIL are birds of a feather? My mother in law has been alone the entire 40+ years since her divorce.
-SH
Last edited by Struggling_Husba; 04/17/0701:23 PM.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
That's pretty whacked, man. I feel your pain. My wife has decided in recent weeks that she has been sexually abused by me for the past 25 years. This revelation came AFTER I caught her in the act with another man. Doesn't it seem like that would be something they'd avoid if they had been abused?
There is no rhyme or reason to their behavior. I think there is just an incomprehensible need to live out fantasies and regain their youth, which is something they will never find. If you ask them to explain, they don't really know.
No matter what the issue is, their behavior is never their fault, of course.
It's yours.
Good luck with all of that.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
Birds of a feather, flock together. Blood is thicker than water.
Now, how do you know all this? How do you know she is contemplating sending him a video? and the phone sex? Does she still live at home?
I would love to tell you to ignore it, it's just a phase.....however....certain things are just unacceptable! Do your own thing, live your own life for now. Who am I kidding....that is ridiculous what she is doing. But I know, that it is all part of her journey...one she must do alone.
Puppy, I know you were being fecicious (sp) but I've had enough of this being our fault. It's not our fault they go off the deep end and turn into lunatics.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Sorry Jeanette. I'll take my spanking like a big boy. I was being cynical.
I have had enough of our spouses acting out like juveniles and refusing take ownership of their actions. I have earned so many new labels over the past few weeks that I don't know if I have a single redeeming quality left!
Seriously, Strug. You need to draw some lines, establish your boundaries and decide where it ends. I certainly can't tell you where that should be, but at some point you need to hold your ground.
Ultimatums won't work. Believe me, I tried and it went to the next extreme.
From where it sounds like you are right now, I think you are trying to rescue her. DON'T!
Her actions are intentional and it will not get you anywhere. Turn the other way and let her go.
Detach! (MY own weak point.) It's the only way you will stay sane. Get out there and find something, anything to do with the time that she used to fill, and when she tries to rope you back in, resist. Make yourself the prey instead of the predator. You are the prize here, not her.
At this point, she is a despicable, self-centered succubus. Don't allow her to consume your soul.
Good luck and God bless, Moon
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
Now, how do you know all this? How do you know she is contemplating sending him a video? and the phone sex? Does she still live at home?
She still lives at home and leaves a lot of obvious clues about her behavior. I'm stupid enough to follow up those clues and I always find what I don't want to find. My task is to stop looking and to detach. Whatever I discover just makes me miserable and sick to my stomach. God willing she'll be out of the house by the second week of May then I will not have ability to snoop.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Now, how do you know all this? How do you know she is contemplating sending him a video? and the phone sex? Does she still live at home?
She still lives at home and leaves a lot of obvious clues about her behavior. I'm stupid enough to follow up those clues and I always find what I don't want to find. My task is to stop looking and to detach. Whatever I discover just makes me miserable and sick to my stomach. God willing she'll be out of the house by the second week of May then I will not have ability to snoop.
-SH
You got it. Stop looking. She's sick to leave those clues for you to see. But it's her way of punishing you or herself..for her behavior. She might be asking for help, but the only way to help her is let her go. Detach my brutha....before we lose anutha.
Oh BTW.....this is also in the MLC for Dummies handbook.
You will be better when she's out, then you can work on yourself, while she finds herself.
Hang in there pumpkin
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Now she is considering sending VIDEO of herself masturbating, etc.
How do you find these things out? Just curious...bnot snooping are you?
Okay your MIL: Always listen to what someone is saying before determining whether what they have to say is valid. Can you tell us what she said? And then yes, take her with a grain of salt. But you did not describe he comment as against you and in support of your wife...it came off as her way of offering advice. And that is a nice thing--whether you take it or leave it.
Now about your wife not ever being able to talk dirty with you...
I married a prude too.
It is the fantasy thing. Sweetheart as admitted (something that he unknowingly said in the beginning also) that he thought the OW was wild...and he sought her for that experience. Sweetheart is at heart a 'good catholic boy.' You don't marry wild, you f*&k wild. It was never meant to be serious...though they get sucked into it being that way.
Ironically I don't think the OW was so much Wild as she wasTrashy...and Sweetheart sterotyped those together. Sure she's a bit wild, but I don't think she wants to be. She just hasn't sought a lifestyle that will pull her out of the trash.
Your wife needs to have these fantasies and she absolutley is unable include you. This isn't about you being an authority figure like a parent (yuck), but that you are the good guy, and she fears disappointing and being judged by you.
Hey, I've got fantasies...and I really fear sharing them with Sweetheart...or anyone else for that matter. They are not based inreality and not anything I want to actually happen.
Sometimes MLCer try ti live out there fantasies completely, and sometimes they are only able to act them out--texting and verbalizing rather than physical. And things can go to the physical level too...we just don't know.
MLCers become their opposite. They become WILD.
I too wonder about this particular OM being a stalker or pedophile--if things are that graphic. I would like to hear what others think about you doing some research on him. But what then...if you find out he is a rapist or something> How to let her find out without letting on you checked up?
How do you find these things out? Just curious...not snooping are you?
Guilty as charged.
Quote:
Okay your MIL: Always listen to what someone is saying before determining whether what they have to say is valid. Can you tell us what she said? And then yes, take her with a grain of salt. But you did not describe he comment as against you and in support of your wife...it came off as her way of offering advice. And that is a nice thing--whether you take it or leave it.
She basically said that based on those two comments I made that she sensed that I did not really understand women's sensitivities and feelings, that I did not know when the things I said made a women feel dismissed or hurt or devalued. This was hard for me to hear because my wife's complaint is that I did not validate her feelings, that I criticized and disparaged her, and that as a result her self esteem was destroyed, she felt worthless and hopeless, etc.
I can take this criticism to heart (as I have) and try to work on being more sensitive. But the risk here is that I am internalizing a criticism which may not be valid and that I am beating myself up for no reason. I have many women friends and colleagues who do not perceive me or experience me in this way. Could it be that I was only this way with my wife?
The other way to take my MIL's comment is just to recognize that my W and my MIL are made of the same stuff, and that one key trait they share is an intrinsic feeling of worthlessness or at least a tendency to interpret even innocent comments in a way that makes them feel judged, criticized or dismissed. I'm sure that my task in the MLC is to learn about myself in this area. So I am open to these ideas, even though they are painful.
Quote:
Now about your wife not ever being able to talk dirty with you...
I married a prude too.
It is the fantasy thing. Sweetheart as admitted (something that he unknowingly said in the beginning also) that he thought the OW was wild...and he sought her for that experience. Sweetheart is at heart a 'good catholic boy.' You don't marry wild, you f*&k wild. It was never meant to be serious...though they get sucked into it being that way.
Ironically I don't think the OW was so much Wild as she was Trashy...and Sweetheart stereotyped those together. Sure she's a bit wild, but I don't think she wants to be. She just hasn't sought a lifestyle that will pull her out of the trash.
Your wife needs to have these fantasies and she absolutely is unable include you. This isn't about you being an authority figure like a parent (yuck), but that you are the good guy, and she fears disappointing and being judged by you.
Hey, I've got fantasies...and I really fear sharing them with Sweetheart...or anyone else for that matter. They are not based in reality and not anything I want to actually happen.
Sometimes MLCer try to live out there fantasies completely, and sometimes they are only able to act them out--texting and verbalizing rather than physical. And things can go to the physical level too...we just don't know.
The peculiar thing is that they never make plans to get together physically (at least they have not yet). And they could. He could fly in and they could have a rendezvous in her apartment and I would never know. So I also suspect that she (and maybe even he) is content with the fantasy and may have trepidation about the reality. I firmly believe they WILL get together physically once we are separated. I think there is just too much anticipation for them not to consummate this thing physically. What will happen when fantasy meets reality is anybody's guess.
Quote:
MLCers become their opposite. They become WILD.
I too wonder about this particular OM being a stalker or pedophile--if things are that graphic. I would like to hear what others think about you doing some research on him. But what then...if you find out he is a rapist or something> How to let her find out without letting on you checked up?
So please...others what are all of your opinions.
I know what's best for me---to stop looking. It just hurts me, and it's a pathological way of trying to stay connected and to retain some control. None of which help me. And it's a form of pursuing. And it's dishonest. I need to stop and I need your support to remind me what a bad idea it is. I've had a helluva time translating this from intellect to gut to behavior.
Thanks RCR.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Blood is thinker, so it's biased commentary from the MIL. Pay no attention to that. That's not to say that you couldn't improve or have done things different in your marriage to enhance it, but don't let the W or MIL's comments chip away at your self-esteem.
Even if you were the model H it's no guarantee she wouldn't have gone off the deep end. Trust me, as nuts as your story sounds, there's always someone;s story on these boards who could raise your eyebrow. My waw's OM is in prison for 2nd degree murder. I'll trade you!!!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
