My MLC wife filed for D on two weeks ago, on my son's birthday, citing irreconcilable differences. I just finished my response, which denied irreconcilable differences. She stated that all previous attempts at reconciliation had failed and that future attempts would not be in the best interest of the family. What nonsense! Since the bomb there have been NO attempts at reconciliation. Plus I doubt by 6 and 3 year old kids would think my attempts at reconciliation are not in their interest.
By denying irreconcilable differences, I force my wife either to wait 2 years for the divorce or to revise her petition to allege mental cruelty. I don't think she'll allege mental cruelty, but at this point, nothing surprises me anymore.
In any case, we also drafted an "agreed temporary order" for 50/50 custody. If she agrees (which I think she will), we'll probably separate the second week in May. That gives me 3 more weeks of her at home to see if DBing makes any difference.
I have to admit, I follow many of the main DB rules (mostly no pursuit, no relationship talks, little contact, taking care of my own issues), but not all of them (e.g., not much explicit goal setting and monitoring).
She has me in a total bind. When I'm helpful and nice she says I'm being manipulative and just trying to get her to stay or change her feelings. When I pull back and minimize contact, she thinks I'm acting like a jerk. I cannot win.
Meanwhile, she continues to talk to the OM by phone as often as she can, and as far as I can tell, they are engaged in phone sex. She seems totally infatuated with this guy who she hasn't even seen in 30+ years. I occasionally lose my cool and taunt her about this guy. I told her to tell him the separation is almost here so they could be together soon.
She has a revisionist history of our whole marriage. According to her, all I ever did was criticize, judge and undermine her. All of her feelings of low self esteem were somehow caused by my poor treatment of her or else by her falling out of love with me but staying with me anyway.
I know the conventional wisdom around here is to let them go. Let them pursue the affair/OM. Let the affair die of its own accord. Let time heal her and open her heart back to me. It all just seems so damn unlikely at moments like this.
As I watched the Sopranos on Tivo last night, I was just filled with sadness. I would normally have watched with my wife, but I was watching alone. The episode took place at a lake house, and it just reminded me of times I'd spent with my wife on vacation. I was just overcome with sadness about losing my wife, being with my kids only 50% of the time, selling my house, and contemplating the unfulfilled hopes and dreams of my future.
I've been reading this great book (From Abandonment to Healing) so I know these feelings are totally normal and will go away, but they sure felt powerful last night. And the longing! Oh how I long to hold her, to stroke her hair, to kiss her, to tell her everything will be OK, to talk about our kids, to talk about our future.
I could live 1000 years and still I will never understand why she wants to walk away from our beautiful family, to hurt our precious kids, to leave behind our beautiful home, to abandon me.
I'm going to see Lucinda Williams tonight. Should ease my mind for a few hours. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Love,
SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
She has me in a total bind. When I'm helpful and nice she says I'm being manipulative and just trying to get her to stay or change her feelings. When I pull back and minimize contact, she thinks I'm acting like a jerk. I cannot win.
This is typical. Look at it from her loony mind though...
She makes a complaint about behaviour. You adjust. She will interpret that as manipulative....you adjusted for her, not yourself.
so be consistent...regardless of her complaints. Oh, respond when valid. But be consistent.
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I occasionally lose my cool and taunt her about this guy.
You already know this is a bad idea...but I understand. I did it too.
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It all just seems so damn unlikely at moments like this.
which part seems unlikley...that you will not be able to Let GO, or she will not return.
The trick is that regardless of what it seems...tell yourself it is not only a possiblity but it is likely. Turn it into a positive affirmation. AS you begin to believe, your behaviours will be better towards DB'ing, because your fears will be eliminated.
