On Tuesday I bought new furniture for the living room and dining room because my MLC WAW will be taking our old LR and DR furniture to her new apartment. While I was shopping, I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I would normally deliberate for months before buying new furniture. But in this situation, I just went to the store on the day of a sale at 10am and left having bought two rooms of furniture by 11:15am. The whole time I was feeling oddly detached, thinking "This is nice furniture" but then realizing, "O sh*t, my wife is moving out!" I was not panicked, just in a very odd state of mind. I guess all the prayers for serenity and detachment may be beginning to work.
One thing that has been driving me nuts is how my wife has been looting our house. Every day I come home and more stuff is gone: books, utensils, crystal, dinnerware, kids clothes and toys, photos, etc. I know she's entitled to half our stuff, and I also am detached enough not to care about most of our material possessions, but what gets me is how easily she can split all of our stuff into what is hers and what is mine. I have been living with this woman since 1987! I see all of our stuff as OURS. Amazingly, she still sees everything as hers vs. mine. I think that is indicative of who she is. Even after 22 years together, she never truly bought into our union, she never truly committed to our marriage, she never truly trusted me (or us). Very early in our relationship, her (divorced) mom once told her not to worry if we fought because the relationship was "only temporary." We used to laugh about that, but now I realize the joke was on me. She was listening to her mom this whole time. As a child of divorce, she never trusted the institution of marriage, never trusted men, never fully trusted me. Divorce was always an option. And now she's taken that option. Her mom has been divorced and alone for 40+ years, and on days like today, when the movers are coming to take away my living room and dining room furniture, I can't help but wish that my wife also endures 40+ years of loneliness for what she has done to our family.
There, I've said it.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Yes, you've got it off your chest. And now I will contradict it.
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As a child of divorce, she never trusted the institution of marriage, never trusted men, never fully trusted me. Divorce was always an option.
Be careful of blanket statements like that. Being a child of divorce does not make divorce more acceptable to that preson as an adult. Unfortunatley statistics show children of divorce are moer likely to divorce...but those statistics do not say that they wanted to divorce...they did not learn the skills in many cases.
But in some cases, those who have experienced divorce as children are more against it because they know the pain.
My mother divorced my father when I was four. Sweetheart told me I shouldn't be agaist divorce because I gre up with it...My mother was my Dad's 2nd wife and he is now on #4...with live-in girlfriends in between.
Sweetheart had it backwards...I am AGAINST divorce because of my experiences...among other reasons.
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Amazingly, she still sees everything as hers vs. mine. I think that is indicative of who she is. Even after 22 years together, she never truly bought into our union, she never truly committed to our marriage, she never truly trusted me (or us).
Are you saying that because she has shown that over the last 22 years, or in the last few months? Because the difference is immense. Your wife is in MLC. She is behaving like they all do...and many do not have a history of divorce (Sweetheart) in their families.
And why do you think she is taking all of this stuff? MAybe it is because she feels it belongs to her?
But maybe it is subconsciously her way of bringing you with her. MLCers take the stuff because they are not truly letting go. They vacation at special relationship places...yes with the OW/OM...but the memories are for the real relationship.
All of those things will rbing constnat memoreis of the two of you together...so be relieved. She doesn't know this, so don't go telling her. Just sit back and watch...it may take months or more...but those things will eat at her insides because they are all about you.
She wasn't listening to her Mom the whole time...though the seed was there. So plant your own seeds...and give them time to grow.
RCR has such a way of looking at things.....I always ponder what is said on these threads as I take my daily walks. I like the idea of you planting your own seeds.
Having said that, you needed to say what you did. I vasilate from wanting H to find peace and happiness (most of the time) to wanting him to be miserable every second of the rest of his life (rarely). I needed to say it though, just to get it out of me. Once it's out it doesn't have much power anymore (at least for me).
Have you ever heard the story of the two wolves?
An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life:
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.
"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
Are you saying that because she has shown that over the last 22 years, or in the last few months? Because the difference is immense. Your wife is in MLC. She is behaving like they all do...and many do not have a history of divorce (Sweetheart) in their families.
I think there were hints of her hesitancy to totally commit to our marriage in the past. At times I thought we had overcome this, and I thought she had really bought in to the idea of marriage as a true union of hearts, minds and souls. I can remember conversations when I asked her how long we would have to be together before she finally realized I was here to stay, that I would not abandon her like her Dad did, that she could really let me in, really share herself with me, that I could be trusted. She would occasionally let me in, but over time, because I could not validate her feelings in a way that made her FEEL validated, she began to withdraw again, to separate from our union. Now of course, it's been taken to the greatest possible extreme. She's done, doesn't love me, etc.
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And why do you think she is taking all of this stuff? MAybe it is because she feels it belongs to her?
But maybe it is subconsciously her way of bringing you with her. MLCers take the stuff because they are not truly letting go. They vacation at special relationship places...yes with the OW/OM...but the memories are for the real relationship.
All of those things will rbing constant memories of the two of you together...so be relieved. She doesn't know this, so don't go telling her. Just sit back and watch...it may take months or more...but those things will eat at her insides because they are all about you.
It's hard to know why she takes what she takes. Some of it is just a sense of ownership I'm sure, but other things do seem to be part of us or even part of me that she wants to hold on to. I saw that she is taking a whole file of correspondence that includes every love letter and valentine and card I ever sent her. Why take that stuff if the connection is dead? That stuff seems like stuff to look back and read when she's alone and lonely in her apartment and I've got the kids.
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She wasn't listening to her Mom the whole time...though the seed was there. So plant your own seeds...and give them time to grow.
I will try to plant my seeds, and I will pray for patience (and sun and rain) so that something beautiful may grow.
Thanks for checking in RCR. I really value your input.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
She just came home from work to meet the movers. She's probably 30 pounds lighter than she's ever been since I met her. Even smaller than when she was 21 years old. She finally bought new clothes that fit her new body. She looks damn good, and it drives me a bit nuts! Why now? Only for the benefit of the other man (boyfriend from 4th grade...)? Or to fight back against the ravages of time and to beat back her mortality fears as well?
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
SH, I understand what you mean about buying furniture.
As much as I'm trying to fight the sale of our house, I see it as a needed step to the recovery of my wife. I think she is going to need to find herself sitting in a hole of an appartment by herself to understand what she has lost. So, I see it as a step away to bring as step back. That doesn't mean that I am not fighting it as much as possible hoping that she sees the light before we sell the house.
Because we accept that we are most likely going to sell it, I have been out looking at condos. This is where I can appreciate what you are saying. I am finding myself getting a little excited about the prospect of living in a condo that is not more than 5 minutes from my office. However, I catch myself thinking this and than I get a knot in my gut thinking that I shouldn't be thinking this because I won't be there with my wife. And that is what is important.
I've decided that if I do end up getting a condo, I will make it very nice and therefore easy for her to come to and a place where she would want to live. I see this as part of making myself and my life as attractive as possible for her to return to.
Hang in there. We both know that this is the hardest, but most important thing we have ever done.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
I hear you about the weight loss. Same thing with my wife... I always thought she was beautiful though. Its not right that now that she looks so good I can't even touch her....
I've lost alot of weight myself. Telling ya, theres got to be a market for the MLC/WAS diet.
M41 W36 D19 D17 Married 20 Years Bomb Dropped Feb 14,2007...Our Anniversary and Valentines Day
SH, unless you are conceding defeat, choose to be upbeat about the sitch. I do not believe in reading too much into certain points but you sound forlorn and that is hard to keep from being visible when she sees you; instead concentrate on the fact that you and she do have a history together and that she is making sure she has memories of your time together at her new apartment.
Her 4th grade "love" is probably just a memory when she was looking for someone to fill in for her absent dad. Since he and she have spoken again, she is thinking about how it made a little girl feel which is a lot different than what you provide for her; something real and substantial.
I, personally, would not give up and I wouldn't allow myself to get depressed. She does not know yet what she is losing. She will buddy!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I wouldn't worry too much about the 4th grade "love". If we step into the way back machine (before I met H), I met up with my 6th grade "love" (I was about 20 I think). We dated for awhile and all I can say is.....WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! The friends we remember from scholl and the people they turn into well, lets just say it's not always pretty. So, be your wonderful self and she'll do the math.
