confused about taking my counselor's advice

[hannahsmom]

Hi all
I had an individual counseling appt today - my counselor was shocked to hear that my H and I have had no relations since Oct and that he barely even will touch me on the shoulder. I dont know why she thought we were still having sex but I guess she misunderstod the situation and assumed since we are still amicable and he is still home it was happening - albeit infrequent

My H dropped bomb in Aug - since that time - MC and then ind thherapy for both of us - H says hes in and out and camt decide if he wants to be married
He is still at home ( he works nights) we still do things togethr but its more like best friends. He seems confused and doesnt know what he wants

Well my counselor thinks I need to ask him to to back to the MC as she thinks I need to be able to talk to him in a safe forum - as she can see that me being in this holding pattern while he figures himself out is killing me
I really don't know what to do - I am afraid that this will back him into a corner and also afraid of what I might here - I am so torn - I was doing so well GAL ad being strong but I just fell apart in therapy today and I am really been barely holding it together _ know that any R talk may be a very bad thing - any advice on if I shd test the waters and see what happens
My counselor thinks that my husband is trying to see if we can make it work when he invites me to go to movies, long walks etc but she thinks that is we arent intimate with each other while this is happening it is not a true picture of a husnband and wife relationship. I am afraid of initiating anything for fear of driving him away

The last time we ML - I initiated in OCT - he responded but after the fact said it felt empty and he felt nothing for me
He also said he felt like it was giving me false hope and he didnt want to do that if he coldnt make up his mind to leave or not

any thoughts will be appreciated
I respect all of youi so much - if you can please comment

Thanks
HM

[ddc]

My counselor thinks that my husband is trying to see if we can make it work when he invites me to go to movies, long walks etc but she thinks that is we arent intimate with each other while this is happening it is not a true picture of a husnband and wife relationship. I am afraid of initiating anything for fear of driving him away

I can only tell you from my experience, when the bomb first dropped in 10/03, my exW went to C with me but it was only to push a S. Our councelor, which to this day I swear did more harm than good and was clueless, told us to be intimate once a week.
She was very hesitate but did it, can I tell you what it like to be intimate with someone that wants nothing to do with you? It horrible, you can tell that person is just going through the motions.
Do not push that issue.
The C I have been seeing off and on for 3 years, could not believe we were given that advice.

There are bad C, just like any other profession.

Get a second opionion for another C who has a clue on saving M.

[hannahsmom]

I know what you are saying - I think I really need to start paying more attention on what is working and what isnt - there is an ebb and flow with my H and the way he relates to me
I know I shoudl not try to figure out what this alien is up to - but I think I will re-read teh chapter in Michelle's book about setting goals and try to see if I can notoce a pattern about how is is with me

He has been seeing a counselor on his own - but hasn't been there in over a month - hen he was going every 2 weeks he seemed happier and able to related to me better

I feel like time is on my side because even though its only been about 7 months since the bomb he is still home and interacting with me fairly amicably

Thanks for your response - I think part of me just wanted to write it down as I thought it over

[goal]

Me and H went to a counseling session. It was HORRIBLE. H stated to the counselor that he was repulsed by me sexually and never wanted to have sex with me again. H admitted his PA the next day and I kicked him out.

The counseling session made H feel so guilty he had to find something wrong with me to express to the counselor. The counselor thought he was NUTS and called me the next day to see if I was o.k.

The counselor told me to get H out of my life and that I could do way better.

The counselor had no knowledge of MLC.

[hannahsmom]

Our marriage counselor is familiar with DBing - but we stopped seeing him because we were spinning wheels because my husband was totally connnfused about if he wanted to even try to work on things - so when H decided he needed to go on his own our MC referred him to an associate of his - since that time my H is much better - it seems -
I am just getting antsy not knowing where I stand but I am trying to be strong and give my H space
My counselor is someone who is looking out for me and I think she is concerned because I had a major melt down today in her ofc
But I will not be pushing my H for answers or to return to being intimate - I really feel that it will drive him away
I will simply - when he brings it up - ask him how counseling is going and MAYBE ask if he thinks he wants to return to the MC sometime

[Drew]

I have taken some of my counselor's advice and not others. In my case I'm the only one going so she only hears one side of the story. Only you know what's right to do, or at least can monitor what works and what doesn't.

[Grace_O]

Just b/c your C is familiar with DBing doen't mean they support it. Has she said she does? Is she a solution based C? There are good and bad C's. You need to find one that supports your goals meltdown or not. That you're not having sex right now is understandable. You don't really even know this man. Jack posted something very good (somewhere out here) about letting them go, then getting to know them , then becoming friends, then possibly building something out of that. That's really smart. I don't know about you, but I have an alien in my house. Sometimes I see my H in there other times I don't.

We don't go to MC (H wouldn't), he does see a C on his own (in San Francisco!!!ok, I may have a slight bias here) and what little he has told me about her (sounds Freudian) she is one of those that supports his "going to find himself and be happy" .

I would at the very least back up, take a breath and post here lots and get as much input as you can. If you don't think what C is recommending is right....DON'T. You have to make and live with the decision.

((((((((HUGS)))))))