I Don't Want To Be Here

[charlie_girl]

I have been reading these bb for a year now, I feel like I have gotten to know most of you on here. I cheer for your triumphs, and feel sympathy for the down moments.

I have been fighting the MLC fight since Nov 05, separated in Oct 06. I have a D16, and S11, my husband and I have known each other for 17 yr, been married 12.

The sep has gone well as it can, he never goes more than a couple of days without calling me or e-mailing etc. Invites me over for dinner, only lives a 1/2 block away. The past few weeks we seemed to be getting even closer, I started having that dreaded hope again.

Our son has been having stomach issues, he does not want to talk at all about the sep, he just wants his Dad to come home, so internalizes everything. Last Friday he threw up 3 times, so I called my husband and asked him to stop by after work so that we could talk about what to do with him. Mistake #1. He knows that he is the reason for our son feeling this way, so he is automatically on the defensive, was in a bad mood because of work.

Mistake #2, I asked him if he knew what he wanted to do yet. Of course he doesn't, I got told that he had been thinking about coming home and working on it, wasn't sure what triggered those thoughts, but he did not feel the same about me blah blah blah.

Mistake #3, I finally told him what it felt like being in my shoes. That he needed to decide whether our marriage was worth it or not, that I was tired of feeling worthless. That I wasn't even worth him looking for another job (he had an affair with a co-worker who is now his boss). I told him I couldn't do this alone, that he needed to decide whether he wanted to commit to our marriage or not.

He left, and I haven't heard from him since. I am assuming that he is going to decide that it is not worth it, that we will make this permanent.

I know what everyone says about the MLC, but is it arrogant of me to assume that the man that keeps telling me he does not love me anymore, actually does? How often and how long, before you accept that?

I am just venting, I know it is an individual choice as to how long to stand. I am just having such problems detaching. I have always been a very strong person, but here I am this wreck of a woman, on AD and sleeping pills, 35 lb lighter (actually needed that LOL). I've been on the AD for a month, just wish I had done that 15 months ago.

I have this urge to make my voice heard with my husband, this would possibly be mistake #4?

Here is the letter I want to send:

Dear Husband of Mine,

I have not heard from you since Friday, I assume that at this point you no longer want to talk.

I have spent the weekend mourning the loss of the man that I love, our marriage, the breakup of our family.

Why have I hung on for the last year and half? I kept seeing glimpses of the man that loved his wife and family, so hoped that he was coming back. You keep telling me that you do not love me, I need to accept that fact and move on.

I wish you were easier on yourself. The affair and all that happened do not need to define you, I just wish you could see that. What you do now and in the future is what will define you, not the past.

I kept hoping for a story book ending, that you were going to tell me that you quit your job and were moving home again. That's why they are called story book endings, they don't exist in real life.

For me the hardest part will be that we end this way. That you have an affair, then move out, and we never get to set it right between us.

I love you, and hope that you find whatever will make you happy. I want to thank you for being part of my life for the last 17 years, for helping raise D16, for being a son to my parents, and for giving me our son. I have been blessed to have you in my life.

Love Charlie

This is what is in my heart (along with some spew that would serve absolutely no point). Is this going to create further pressure etc? Is it DB to express yourself? I am trying to put as much of a positive spin on it as I can, but how do you positively spin the end of your marriage?

Am I asking too many questions, just like a 3 year old "why is the sky blue?". Anyways, as the title states, I don't want to be here but you sure are a wonderful group of people!!

[mermaid]

Charlie

First I am sorry you are here but you have come to a great place. I am glad that you started posting.

Second do not send the letter.

Since you have been lurking awhile then I assume you have read the mlc resources at the top of the page. IT is a good place to start.

Give your h the time and space he needs right now. They need to be alone so they can process things.

Concentrate on yourself and your children. You cannot do anything for your h so work on yourself instead.

You already know that this is a long and bumpy ride.

[ddc]

Charlie

Mermaid gave you great advice, the letter will only push him away. You can bully him into a decision.

Its been about 3.5 years for me and I am just now seeing my old W back. We ended up D in 12/05 and are now dating. She still doesn't know what she wants, but she came out a totalu different person in a good way.

The AD's will help, if it wasn't for them I don't think I could have handled a 16 month in home seperation.

Come to this board and you find all the support you need to get you through this.

[Rollercoasterider]

Charlie,

I haven't read you entire post yet because I wanted to start responding...so I'll respond as I read.

First...since you have been lurking, you know the do's and don'ts and ins and outs of DB'ing already. You are already familiar with the cycling and rules of Standing...and it sounds as though you;ve done well thus far.

I am assuming that he is going to decide that it is not worth it,

You already know this one...no assuming.

is it arrogant of me to assume that the man that keeps telling me he does not love me anymore, actually does?

No...most people as k if it's denial, perhaps you are using the term arrogant with the same concerns.

At the end of this linked post is a list I created about Denial--it would normally show up as a table with the bullet points side-by-side...but Oh well.

The Space Beneath the Tightrope

You already know that MLC lasts several years. I know that after 17 months you're an expert at dealing with this stuff and perhaps that makes it feel like it's getting old. Well, it is getting old...and yet it's not over.

There is also a danger period when the MLCer does start to come around...but is still uncertain. The LBS gets thrown back on a wild section of the rollercoaster...and becomes more vulnerable to quitting.

I kept hoping for a story book ending,

Which storybook? I mean do you really want the ending from Death of a Salesman? Life is much more interesting...and happy endings are your choosing.

The sep has gone well as it can, he never goes more than a couple of days without calling me or e-mailing etc. Invites me over for dinner, only lives a 1/2 block away. The past few weeks we seemed to be getting even closer, I started having that dreaded hope again.

Hope is a wonderful thing...always present...sometimes lost, but there waiting to be found. Do not regret it or push it aside. What you must avoid in these circumstances is expectations. You can have high expectations for the finale...as long as you are not expecting each moment to be that finale. This story is not yet close to its end.

Is this [letter] going to create further pressure etc?

Sorry...but yes...IMMENSE presure and/or guilt. These are things you show through quiet Standing and reassurances...let him know you believe in him, that he is a good person etc. He may deny...but be consistenet without being insistent.

Is it DB to express yourself?

It can be. But in this case, express yourself through action...quiet and subtle action, rather than words. He is not yet ready to handle this openness. Approach him as though he is a cornered and frightened animal.

Dear Husband of Mine...I have not heard from you since Friday...

Today is Tuesday...you mean the Friday that was only four days ago?

Sweetie, that is nothing. So as a Drop-In he's more regular than that. Even though you are showinghim that you are giving in...this is a form of pursuit. Step back and let this broken man cry alone. He cannot go through the dark phases with you hovering. Let him intitiate contact. And if it isn't for a few weeks...so be it.

Sweetheart tried to contact me...and I just didn't answer...for a few weeks at a time. Had I responded, he would have contacted even more and more and more. Step back and let him be for awhile.

You're doing fine...but he may very well be coming to a turningpoint or at least a phase transition...a Limbo point between phases. Step back and observe.

HUGS,
RCR

[charlie_girl]

Thanks guys, for the welcome and the support. You are all right, I cannot send the letter, he does not need to hear that from me now. As you all know, sometimes it is so hard to not be heard, to not be validated as to what we are feeling, guess that is why they invented this BB!

RCR, I read your post about denial, just not sure where I fit. I have kept the firm belief over 17 months that somewhere lurks the man that loved me, but on Friday, hearing him say again that he does not feel the same about me, it just started me questioning my belief. From your posts I see that you always believed in sweetheart, I envy you your conviction.

I guess I will just keep looking in the shiny face of my son, and keep on keeping on, for his sake. If I walk away now I will contribute to the breakup of his family, and I do not want that.

I just got an e-mail from the missing in action hubby, saying that he and my son are taking me out for my b-day, and that he will not take no for an answer. I guess this is where I go, act as if, and make like the conversation Friday didn't even happen?

[Astimegoeson]

Sorry Charlie! Nobody really wants to be here, but it does help to vent to others that are going through the same issues.

I understand completely the need to "express". Been there, done that, with absolutely no affect what so ever on WAW. The only thing it did was create more anxiety and emotional stress for myself. It was like trying to reason with a 6 year old in my case.

I also understand the need for a resolution on your situation, you've been at it some time now. I to am in limbo with no easy solution. I wish I could do something to change my situation one way or the other, but I can't because I have no control over my waw's actions. She's unconsciously holding up my life. I'm having difficulty separating our financial issues and she's in no shape to support herself even with child support. It's really frustrating for me. When I'm feeling trapped by my situation, I think about what a bright future I could still have without my waw in it and it helps me cope. Don't know if that will help you, but playing mind games on ourselves is a affective remedy.

Anyway, hang in there and don't be shy,we understand what your going through and can help alleviate the alienation and abandonment your feeling.

[Was2sad]

Lots of good feedback but I will think out loud anyway ....

What do you want?
What will you settle for until you can have what you want?

It is really that simple.

You want your M life with your H, and his mlc is not yet done cooking.

You are loosing patience. Ok. Books say if what you are doing is not working, try something else. You feel you are there and want to roll the dice. Instead, why don't you file? That is what you will get when you push a MLCer into the corner with an ultimatum. Mixing things up is DB, mot MLC.

You ask a MLCer what they want and the answer is "I don't know." They don't.

You tell a MLCer you aren't happy and they feel guilty. Then they act out in anger. They don't like guilt. They can handle anger.

You prove everything they have been saying about you being controlling or whatever. They say they don't know yet, and you push, so they must relent ... and get the D. It is their safest bet. Many of them anger you all along trying to force that move onto you, so they won't have to make a decision ... or bear guilt.

Don't play into that. Back off. Forget him and leave him be, unless you got a man in the closet you want to live with forever.

Many MLCers go ahead and file just because they are in pain, see you in pain, and feel the only thing to do is set you free with a D. It eliminates some of their guilt. They feel less guilty D you, than keeping you in limbo.

What if you were getting used to limbo? Tough. You get a D instead. Welcome to my world.

Writing them notes explaining things they don't want to discuss is just repeating the ultimatum in nicer more manipulative ways ... again with the proving things they accused you of already.

Think of court. The mean L asks you a question. Yes and No are good answers. Explaining things so everyone understands what you meant opens all kinds of doors. Bad things slip in through those doors. Don't try and maneuver the MLCer into a corner with an explanation. It is tougher than stapling jello to the wall. All you do is make a mess that they won't clean up, and waste good staples.

Instead ... put some Cool Whip on that Jello, and enjoy it outside on a beautiful day without the MLCer. Let them make their own. They don't deserve yours.

[Grace_O]

Charlie,

Glad you decided to start posting. You've gotten alot of good advice and will get lots of support here.

I print out the posts that help me the most and keep them close where I can read them over and over. Meanwhile, I sit curbside with my bowl of jello.

[always_14]

W2S - I've been at this a while, and can detach and go NC with the best of them. But I really needed to read what you wrote today on this thread.

[charlie_girl]

Thanks guys!

W2S, I am taking my jello to the curb with Grace, adding in the whipped cream, and ignoring everything that is going on around me.Oddly enough, the thought of stapling jello to a wall sounds like it could be fun, only if you have a maid for cleanup of course.

Okay, no letter.....consider it shredded.