Had a mediation session this morning after another night of only 4 hours sleep. Not surprisingly, it went badly. Although we are in mediation, my wife (and her lawyer) have decided she needs to have a signed custody agreement before she can move out. We have already paid 2 months rent on an apartment. As a result, she will file for divorce any day now.
The mediation was horrible. I was angry and tired and sad and desperate all at once. W now wants to file for divorce so she can have an enforceable custody agreement. We spent an hour bickering and making little progress. Then after the mediation, I tried to talk to W about how I was feeling (i.e, overwhelmed). She sat with me for a few minutes but would not make eye contact and was very cold. She said she could not/would not "fix" my feelings. It was not her job any more. She claimed our marriage was all about her fixing my feelings. I told her I was distraught, etc. She did not care. I asked her what the last 22 years had meant, and she said she was not going to talk about that. The interaction left me feeling totally pathetic and desperate with no self esteem.
I think my wife likes seeing me like this. I think our marriage was a power struggle, and by divorcing me, she wins the ultimate power.
I think there is no hope for my marriage. I know in my head I have to let go, but in my heart I am not yet capable of doing it. I try, but I am still attached to her. She has been part of my life so long it's like she's part of my body. I am really struggling to let her go. I wish I could because then I would not be in so much pain. I pray every day for the strength to let her go.
I have been holding out hope that this is midlife crisis and that she may someday wake and return, but I have never seen her so resolute. She does not love me she says. The love eroded slowly over many years. How did we let that happen, I ask myself?!?
It keeps getting worse, and the kids don't even know yet. I wonder how bad this gets.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Ohh, it gets BAD....prepare my friend. I know how you feel...
I don't think she likes seeing you like this....this is what is making her run away even faster.
She is rewriting history now...its ok...you know the truth...don't let it upset you. If she feels that its been all about your feelings then you saying how distraught you are only makes it about you again...
Be strong...love her no matter what happens...but don't tell her that...just do it with a quiet confidence that it'll work out in the end. Get a life...go out..do things you enjoy...talk with your friends and family....
Think of all the things she did wrong over the years...it'll help you get some perspective. And remember, you loved her then...you love her now....even if you have to let her go for a while you can still love her...she can't stop that
But don't chase, don't persue, give her space...when you are stronger you'll look better to her...isn't that what you want.
I know its hard...believe me, I know..but hang in there
Be strong for the kids at the very least...
M41 W36 D19 D17 Married 20 Years Bomb Dropped Feb 14,2007...Our Anniversary and Valentines Day
SH...she doesn't win anything....you win because you are true to your heart. I know what you mean...it feels like you are missing your arm or leg. After a year, I still find myself wanting to call up LSS and tell him about something funny...
It doesn't necessarily get easier...just less painful but there is a scar there...I remember everything...it just doesnt sting as badly.
I do not know what to say, other than I am sorry and be strong.
I think that if it wasn't MLC she would be looking you in the eyes.
You know what you need to do, it is up to you to figure out how.
She isn't a part of your body, she isn't your soul, and right now she certainly is not your heart.
SH, you have to know right now that desperation is not going to work. You want assurances from her and she will stomp on your feeelings.
You need to appear confident and in control of yourself especially when you are not, at least around her, but deffinately in front of your children.
Man I do know the pain you feel, that hammering hole in your chest, and the buzz of life going on around you when it feels like you are in molasses and what is the point?
Well the point is, as long as you breath there is a chance.
A chance for what?
You tell me.
My answer is anything you want.
What you are doing right ow isn't working with your wife. Change it, change the cheesless tunnel.
Listen to Outtaluck and fig.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I think it DOES get easier. You have to figure out, as someone else said, all the mistakes SHE made in the M too. And then maybe you can pretend she's lost in the Australian bush and cannot be reached....but while she is away, you will enjoy the advantages of her being gone...No more chick flicks. Go ahead and leave the toilet lid up. Have meat only for dinner and drink milk from the carton. Watch football ALL day if you want...yes, these are small things to be sure. But they add up. And, they lead you to doing 180s and to see the bigger things too. Like maybe now you can live where you want to without thinking of her preferences, or you can take that class you always wanted to take, or sport you were thinking of....or buy a motorcycle, or Date and meet someone who "gets" you....I know it's a LONG way off and you still want the M to work. It can. It is not hopeless. But the thing is, you have to GAL for YOU in case she does not come back and even if she did come back, you need to GAL and guess what else? She is more likely to come back if you GAL anyhow. But it is about YOU living YOUR life. Pretend your life is a book with several chapters. Who is writing the book of your life? I hope it's you and God. How is the chapter going? How do you want this chapter to end and the next one to go?
Be the author of your own life. And be patient. I have 2 relatives who actually divorced and then remarried their spouses, btw. So it happens. But it took years. So, you just gotta GAL and keep on keeping on. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you forgot to add the "my brotha" to the keep on keeping on!!!
Sorry...we have been listening to Vietnam protest songs in class this week and I am all about the peace and calm
Everyone here is giving great advice to you...I really like 25's idea of taking the small stuff. You really do need to start small. PMA and GAL doesn't happen if you are looking for the giant transformations immediately.
I started small and tiny and now...1 year later...I see the giant!!! Work on what makes you feel good and set small reachable goals...I will watch one whole episode of Fawlty Towers and not feel guilty (LSS hated Brittish comedy...that should have been a big clue that he wasn't right in the noggin') I will take a long bath and not worry. I will sleep in the middle of the bed tonight.
They say it takes 15 days for things to become a habit. Try forming new habits. Keep a chart for yourself. If she every asks, you can tell her what it is but you don't need to.
Try forming habits just for you!!! You alone not you as a couple. Each little step is at least a step, right?
Congratulations, your wife is having a midlife crisis!
And along with her, you are exhibiting the standard LBS fears.
There is ALWAYS Hope...and MLCers look back at what they are leaving--evntually.
And guess whta! You're ahead of the game. You have a concrete issue that you can begin to change within yourself RIGHT NOW. Your wife was very specific...and frankly I was guessing the same thing at your description of your own feelings.
Quote:
I tried to talk to W about how I was feeling (i.e, overwhelmed)... She said she could not/would not "fix" my feelings. It was not her job any more. She claimed our marriage was all about her fixing my feelings.
That speaks volumes. MAybe it was true, maybe not (my guess is true judging from your own words)...but regardless, it is how she FEELS. Validate those feelings while changing that about yourself.
You cannot fix her and she's tired of taking care of (fixing) you. She wants to be a wife, not a Mommy. So begin showing her your independence. Just like Sweetheart needed to see that I could mow lawn, she needs to see that you can do laundry, cook, do dishes, tie a tie etc and take care of your own feelings.
ANY sign of weakness will send her running further away. And frankly...she's gonna run anyway, so expect and accept that.
MLCers are resolute. They also cycle...some more than others. Some perhaps would not cycle, but the LBS makes changes and the MLCer is pulled back to that attractive force before he/she is ready--thus she goes away again.
Quote:
I know in my head I have to let go, but in my heart I am not yet capable of doing it.
The first thing we're gonna do is change your language. Not yet capable is just a verbose can't. Remove that sort of thing from your vocabulary. You CAN and you WILL if you so CHOOSE. Cause whther you think you can or you think you can't...you're right.
Which would you rather be right about in this situation?
So you love your wife and are attached to her. Join the club...You are a wonderful and loving husband. You can be attached to a person through love while remaining independent. Your emotions and feelings are yours. They are controlled and created by none other than YOU. Your actions and choices are also your own.
Validate your wife's feelings. Validation is NOT agreement. You can validate her feeling that a divorce is needed or the only way while openly disagreeing and contesting.
Sure she'll get pissed. But anger is MLC norm--especially at this early stage. Anger is fish-bait, so unless you have a fondness for worms...DON'T BITE. Your job when confronted with Anger is to remain calm..."I'm sorry you feel that way."
Your next job is to believe. Beleive in yourself...not in the spewed MLC venom she is spouting. Beleive in your wife...the real person hurting inside the Monster.
And then learna bout MLC. Because YES, sorry, but it will get worse. She will leave and run further from you. Sadly, that's how this works. Your job is to be forgiving, unconditionally loving and nonjudgmental. It's a tough job...you not exactly being God and all.
If you don't wnat a divorce...CONTEST. I used "I do not believe in divorce."
By taking that moral ground rather than simply stating that I didn't WANT a divorce Sweetheart had no argument..he tried, but arguing with a belief is wasted energy. I validated his need for a divorce...said contesting was not retaliatory or a personal vengenace, but I was doing what I felt best and I also understood he was doing what he felt best...and I acknowledged to him that we just happened to disagree on what we thought was best.
So before I go on...what do you want and what are you going to do about it?
Do you want to save your marriage...AND are you going to STAND. I'm not asking because you should or shouldn't...but because I need to know where to go next with you regarding whether you are a Stander or not.
It's not over. IT's not over if Uncle Sam is under the impression it's over--who is he God? NO!
This is the only thing I disagree with 25 about...right now.
Down the road...who knows. But not right now.
First off, it would be totally unfair to anyone you see, and second it would totally unfair to you until you heal up proper, and then only if you are no longer standing for your marriage.
Right now you are horribly vulnerable, and dating might somone might sway your ability to stand.
It is the only thing I disagree with.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Don't date anyone until you are done!!!!!! If you are not done...dating would finish it. If you are done, you should wait until you are legally done If you are legally done then you need to wait until you are ready You are ready when you don't need to ask if you are ready
