MLC vs. WAS: weighing the evidence

[Struggling_Husba]

First thread
Second thread
Third thread

I cannot decide whether or not I should hold out any hope of a reconciliation/return in my situation. My old threads are listed above for anyone who cares to check them out.

Basically my wife dropped the bomb on 1/10 saying I did no validate her feelings; therefore she checked out of our marriage 18 months previously; her feelings have changed; slow erosion of love; does not love me anymore; hopeless that things can change; tired of trying; is done with the marriage; staying in would kill her soul; I'm too critical and judgmental; I don't appreciate her financial contribution or her caring for the kids; our sex life is lousy cause I objectify her; she wants a separation and divorce. Pretty standard bomb speech as far as I can tell. She's still in the house until we agree on terms of child support and custody.

I really want to save/repair my marriage and family, and the only hope I've been clinging to is that she may be in midlife crisis. But the evidence seems contradictory to me. I know there's no simple answer or definitive diagnostic test for MLC, but I thought it might be helpful for me and others to list the evidence on both sides and see what people think.

Evidence Supporting MLC:

1. Had breast cancer scare from abnormal biopsy in summer 2006, causing her to confront her own mortality.
2. 81 year old mother in declining health. Memory loss, disorientation, unable to drive any more, 2 car accidents, 2 hospitalizations, possible onset of dementia. Causes her to confront mother's mortality and/or prospect of caring for demented mother.
3. Says half her life is over and opportunities for happiness are slipping away.
4. Exercising compulsively, with rapid and substantial weight loss.
5. Emotional affair with classmate (boyfriend?) from 4th grade who Googled her and called her in November 2006. Relationship now escalated to red-hot phone affair with deepening feelings but no face-to-face meetings yet (that I know of, he's out of state)
6. Is in obvious emotional pain, crying a lot.

Evidence Supporting WAS:

1. Chronic, unresolved sources of conflict and unhappiness in our marriage (not validating her feelings, not acknowledging her contribution financially or with the kids, some addiction issues on my part, my looking at too much internet porn, poor sex life).
2. She leased an apartment 6 weeks post bomb.
3. We entered mediation to discuss child support and custody issues 6 weeks post bomb.
4. She acknowledges no ambivalence about her feelings or plans to divorce.
5. Although very emotional, she seems quite able to plan and act rationally with respect to the separation and divorce.
6. She plans to have the kids 50% of the time, is not planning to just escape all responsibility.
7. Is very analytical and thoughtful in her rationale for leaving and seems to have thought the decision over for a long time.
8. Has been in therapy for 12+ years and is supported by therapist in this decision.
9. Is in 12-step for co-dependency (seeking help seems unlike an MLCer)

So, what do people think? I think I'm screwed either way, but I'd love to hear some other opinions.

-SH

P.S. Part of my GAL was 6 weeks of outpatient rehab for my addiction and am 60+ days sober and active in recovery. Wife says addiction issues were "secondary" to communication issues and gives no credence to rehab or recovery on my part.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

is she distant with you all the time? Does she only talk to you about your children or bills?

Does she open up and then retreat?

The confusion she may in cause in you is also a big indicator of MLC.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Part of my GAL was 6 weeks of outpatient rehab for my addiction and am 60+ days sober and active in recovery. Wife says addiction issues were "secondary" to communication issues and gives no credence to rehab or recovery on my part.

Oh yeah.

Good on you man!!! Be proud of yourself.

[almosthopeful]

Good for you on the recovery.

Sounds like she is clueless about the relationship between "addiction issues" and overall behavior, personality, etc. etc.

Items 4-7 sound just like my STBXH. I believe he is MLC because of his childhood issues, his running from his first M at about QLC time, the dead eyes period, the fairly apparent MLC stages (looking back at them.) In addition, he has rewritten our marital history, and has many symptoms of depression although he denies it. He was incoherent for awhile as far as his "reasons" for leaving (it was me, then him, then me...).

I understand wanting to know whether it is WAW or MLC, but in the short run it really doesn't matter for you. You gotta stay healthy, work on yourself, work on all your other Rs, and GAL.

Congrats on 60 days.

Hugs.
AH

[Rollercoasterider]

Busy at work...but I think you have a list for MLC and another list for MLC. It seems to me you are under the misguided assumption that your second list more so than being WAS are reasons for not MLC.

Many seem and feel rational--even appear it
Many hit the lawyer ASAP
Many move out ASAP
Many do not abandon there children


And as for the opinion of a therapist who has been hearing her side of things...common and irrelevant.

I'm not saying it is or isn't MLC...just that your against arguments don't hold water.

HUGS,
RCR

[Struggling_Husba]

Thanks everyone. Had a long talk with W tonight about custody. She may have to file to get what she wants (i.e., custody agreement signed by a judge). But in the midst of the talk about logistics and legalities, we talked about some of our issues too. I'm drained at the moment though, so I'll come back in the morning and follow up on specifics.

Thanks again for stopping by my thread.

-SH

[Struggling_Husba]

"Good on you man!!! Be proud of yourself."

Thanks Jack.

[AmyC]

We had a discussion here <<<Click

Read through that thread and it might answer some of your questions.



AmyC